i know you best

Collide chapter 22

2005-07-11T01:33:20Z

Title: Collide chapter 22
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story. You guys mean the world to me. *hugs the world* And many wonderful thanks to my marvelously excellent beta reader, zlobnaya!

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |

The next day, after Joel goes to work, Benji puts on the dress pants he bought at Target and heads out. He's still got quite a bit of money, and he stops at a little electronics shop down the street and buys a pre-paid cell phone. It's a little cheap one, nowhere near as cool as the one he's got upstairs, completely useless, but it'll do for his purposes now.

He'd used Joel's phone and phone book earlier to find staffing agencies nearby, and he makes his way out quickly, hoping that just a link to his resume online will suffice for everyone. The application process is the same everywhere he goes, and a couple even promise call backs in the next couple of days, as soon as they make sure his resume is in order.

Benji leaves feeling pretty good about that, overall, and as he makes his way back home he keeps his eyes open for "Help Wanted" signs, just in case. He may need something that will just hold him over for a couple of weeks until he's got a nice, stable job somewhere. It's going to be harder than it looks though, he thinks, as he walks down the street. There aren't a whole lot of signs up, and the few that he's seen so far are attached to some frightening looking places.

Finally, after a few blocks of looking, he finds a Starbucks that's looking for people. That's definitely something he could handle, he thinks. He has no experience whatsoever, except that he's been inside them more times than he can count. He's already got the menu memorized.

The application is easy to fill out; he uses Joel's address and the phone number he just got. References are just a little tougher, but he ends up using a couple of people from summer jobs - people who maybe don't know him personally, but know that he is a hard worker and willing to get his job done when it needs to be done.

He ends up filling out a few applications by the end of the day, and when he gets home he feels kind of relieved. Excited, even. He knows that he's not going to end up really liking any of these jobs if he gets them, but for now that doesn't matter. He'll have one, and he'll have a place to come home to, and that seems like it's probably enough.

He gets a call the next day from a little smoke shop down the street. They liked his application and they'd like to interview him. He puts the dress pants back on and heads down at ten-thirty, ready to charm them to death.

The owner, a guy named Chuck, takes him to the back of the store where there's two lawn chairs set up around a display of Busch beer. The interview is five minutes, maybe, mostly Chuck explains that it's a part time job at six dollars an hour, and by the end Benji has instructions to show up the next day at seven thirty in the morning to "learn how to do everything."

He grins and shakes Chuck's hand, and on the way home he picks up a cheap bottle of wine from a deli and attempts to make hamburgers. That doesn't work out and so he orders out, hoping everything will be there by the time Joel comes home from work.

Joel smiles when he opens the door and finds his little coffee table spread out with dinner, wine and candles. "What's the occasion?" he asks and Benji shrugs.

"I got a job today. Nothing big but I thought we could celebrate anyway."

"Really?" Joel grins and pulls Benji into his arms. "Benj, that's great! Where at?"

"A smoke shop down the street. It's only part time so I'm going to keep looking for something else but it looks like it should be interesting anyway."

"Seriously, smoke shops are cool places." Joel grins excitedly. "This is cool, it's really, really cool."

"Isn't it?" Benji grins back and resists the urge to tackle Joel to the bed. Instead he sweeps his arm out towards the table. "Shall we dine, sir?"

Joel grins. "I'd be honored."

**

Benji walks in the door to the smoke shop about five minutes before seven thirty and he knocks on the door, hoping Chuck let whoever is opening know he was coming. He sees someone come up and unlock the door and when it swings open he can barely conceal his surprise.

"Trish?"

"Benji!" she grins hugely and pushes the door the rest of the way open. "When Chuck told me he'd hired a Benjamin I kind of hoped it would be you, but I wasn't really expecting it. C'mon in, I've got everything ready for you."

He trails behind her, making his way behind the counter with her, where she starts explaining how to organize the cigarettes and papers, and where the money goes. She seems pretty relaxed about all of it, and when he asks if he'll have help she chuckles. "Oh, hon, trust me. We don't do a whole lot of business here most of the time. Our daily rush is usually from eight in the morning to about nine-thirty, and it's mostly people buying the same things: cigarettes, rolling papers, tobacco, lighters. Then it's dead 'till noon pretty much. You just watch me; you'll get the hang of it in no time." She snaps her gum and winks at him, and he feels a little bit reassured.

Promptly at eight o'clock she goes over and pushes the door open, propping it with a brick from the street. She makes her way back behind the counter and sits down, pulling out a nail file. "So, um. What can I do to help? Anything?"

"Um." She glances around lazily. "Today there's not a lot - those boxes towards the back, see them? You could start putting that stuff up. I think a lot of it is just extra candy and stuff, but there might be something else."

Benji nods and starts opening boxes in the back, checking the candy shelf in front of the register and restocking the soda machines. It's all pretty much in order already and Trish explains that usually the closing clerk cleans up pretty well. There's not a whole lot to do in the mornings.

A customer comes in and Benji scampers back to stand next to Trish, watching how she handles the register and grabs everything the guy asks for. He speaks to her quickly in Spanish and she grins and waves to him as he heads out the door. "Do you speak any Spanish at all?" she asks, turning to Benji.

He shakes his head and she frowns a little. "I'll teach you the basics. You'll pick it up pretty quickly when people start coming in more, though. It's not too hard."

"Okay."

The customers are pretty sparse for the rest of the morning, and Benji finds he's actually kind of bored. Really bored, actually.

"So, Benji," Trish says suddenly, looking up from the Cosmo she's been reading for the past half hour. "Are you and Joel, like, together or what? I mean, I know he's gay, and I just kind of figured..."

Benji's eyes go wide and he clears his throat. He knew this would come up sooner or later, he'd just hoped that it would be later, after he'd had a chance to really talk to Joel about everything. He bites his lip and shakes his head. "No, we're just friends. I mean, he's cool as hell, I'm really glad I could help him out with Marty, and the fact that he let me stay with him is really awesome. But uh, no. Not together."

She nods, seeming to find this answer acceptable. "Well, he's a great guy. I've known Joel forever, you know, The Hole. He's amazing; he'll help you out of anything if he can." She smiles a little, and Benji can't help but smile as well. Joel is amazing.

The rest of the day is pretty boring - there are a couple of rushes, but nothing out of control, and Benji thinks he's already starting to get the hang of things pretty well. He's scheduled to come in again the next day, and he's happy to hear that Trish is too.

**

"So, Joel." Benji's voice cuts through Joel's thoughts and he looks up from the comic he's reading.

"What's up?"

Benji looks a little uncomfortable and Joel knits his brow, waiting for him to get up the nerve to say whatever it is he's thinking. "It turns out I work with Trish."

"Really?" Joel grins. "That's cool, she's an awesome girl. I've known her forever."

"Yeah, that's what she said." Benji nods, a small smile tugging at his lips. "But um, she sort of put me on the spot today and I didn't know what to say."

Joel closes his eyes for a second; he's pretty sure he knows what's coming. He was expecting it, just not quite this soon. "Yeah?"

Benji nods. "Yeah. She asked if we're together."

"And?"

"Well." Benji squirms, looking suddenly uncomfortable. "I said we weren't." He licks his lips nervously, and Joel isn't sure if he's upset or glad about that. "I mean, I know that... that we are and stuff, but. Well. We're brothers, too, and if that came out? I mean. If we told people that we're together and it comes out that we're brothers, I think that would be bad. But if we're just friends who happen to find out later that we're brothers, maybe it's not so horrible or something?" He's babbling, and Joel can't help but smile just a little at that. Benji is really pretty damned cute when he's nervous and babbling.

"Yeah, no," he says. He sets the comic aside and stands up, walking over to the armchair where Benji is sitting. "No, that's good; I think it's probably better that way. I mean, we'll have to be careful and everything, but I think you're right." He wiggles his way onto the chair with Benji so that he's straddling his lap, his knees tucked on either side of Benji's thighs.

"Okay." Benji smiles up at him, his hands moving to Joel's hips. "I mean, I didn't think that you'd... I figured it was okay. But I wanted to make sure, because if it wasn't I'd have no problem marching in there tomorrow and telling her that yeah, you fuck my brains out on a regular basis. I just wouldn't want for things to get weird, especially now that you're all professional and everything, and -"

"Benji, shut up." Joel grins and dips his head, capturing Benji's lips in a kiss. It's slow and sensual and Benji runs his fingers slowly up Joel's sides. Since he's moved in they really haven't been able to keep their hands off each other, which is not necessarily something that Joel minds at all. He figures it's probably a mix of the closeness of their living quarters, the new "I love you" stuff, and well. Since he found Benji he's felt like there's a piece of himself that's been put back where it belongs, and when they're touching it's a thousand times more comfortable than when they're apart.

Joel really likes it. He rolls his hips lazily and Benji squirms beneath him. Joel wonders suddenly what it's going to be like when he's in LA, an entire month without Benji's touch, his voice, his closeness. An entire month and an entire continent away - it's a sobering thought and Benji seems to pick up on it almost instantly.

"What?" he asks, his eyes boring into Joel's.

"I'm just thinking about shit," Joel replies, trying to play it off, but he knows that it won't work.

"Tell me."

He nods and stands up, pulling Benji up with him and then reverses their positions so that Benji is sitting in his lap, now. "I'm thinking about next month. When I leave." He wraps his arms tightly around Benji's waist. "When I won't see you for a month."

Benji nods and rests his chin on top of Joel's head. "I think about that too. I don't like it very much."

Joel can't help but smile at that, and he kisses Benji's neck lightly. "Well. Maybe it won't be so bad, right? Maybe it'll give us a new appreciation or something."

"I'm not really sure I need a new appreciation," Benji replies and Joel can hear the smile in his voice. "I think I appreciate plenty right now."

"Good point."

**

Benji realizes one morning that he's only got two days left with Joel before he goes out to LA Joel's been working and training almost nonstop, and Benji's been working as many hours as he can get and hanging out with Joel's friends quite a bit. The crew seems to have really warmed up to him for the most part - Zack is still a dick, and Albert, Trish's now-and-then boyfriend, doesn't seem to like him too much, but Benji's had fun despite those two.

He's been trying to keep his mind off of the impending split - he's not going to like being all alone at all, it hasn't really happened like this before. His parents used to disappear to Europe and meetings and everything like that, but Benji always ended up throwing parties and hanging out with Tim all the time, and now... now he'll just be by himself, in a tiny apartment. He's not even sure he'll be really able to fall asleep without Joel beside him, as cheesy as that sounds in his head.

After work that day, Benji stops by a small jeweler down the street from work and asks around until he finds someone who is able to help him work out a gift. He's been thinking of giving it to Joel for awhile now, and he's finally got some money that he feels comfortable spending on something like this. Half an hour later he leaves, feeling triumphant, a small box heavy in his pocket as he makes his way home for the evening.

**

The next day is the last day. Joel's plane leaves early the next morning, and Benji almost wishes he'd taken the day off of work so that he could spend all of it with Joel. Work goes quickly, though, and Benji practically runs home, eager to get as much Joel time as possible before he leaves.

When he opens the door to the apartment, he stops dead in his tracks. The lights are off, curtains drawn tightly shut, and there are lit candles everywhere in the tiny apartment. Tall ones, short ones, skinny and fat, they litter the table top and counter and bedside table and dresser, all flickering gently in the pseudo-darkness. Joel is kneeling at the foot of his bed, head bent, and Benji wonders for a moment if he's been possessed.

Joel prays often, Benji knows this. Every night before they fall asleep Joel whispers a soft prayer, and he usually does the same before he eats. He's never been really openly religious, Benji hasn't really heard him talk much about his faith, but it's apparent; but never, ever to this extent.

"Joel?" he whispers, closing the door softly. Joel glances up at Benji and gives him a weak smile, swallowing thickly.

"I didn't think you'd be back already."

"I left a little early. Um. What're you doing?"

"Well," Joel shrugs helplessly and sags backwards, resting on his heels. "It's stupid."

Benji glances around at all of the candles, trying to bite back the remark that yes, this many lit candles in a dilapidated old apartment building with no real emergency exists is a little stupid. "I doubt it. What's up?"

"Just. Well, I've never really. Uh. Flown before." Joel sucks his lower lip into his mouth. Benji stares at him, mouth hanging open in disbelief. "I sort of psyched myself out about it this morning and I had to. Well. I had to make sure that if I am going to die tomorrow, I won't be, you know, I'll be prepared."

"You've never flown before?"

Joel sighs and shakes his head. "Benji. I've never really even left the tri-state area. That's always been in cars or the train or something. I never had a reason to go anywhere else, really." He smiles wryly. "Told ya it was stupid."

"That's not stupid, Joel." Benji smiles finally and walks over, kneeling beside his lover. "It's kind of odd to see a big, tough boxer scared of flying, but only odd in a cute kind of way." Benji leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Joel's mouth, then, hoping Joel won't be too offended that he was just called cute. He doesn't seem to mind; he turns his head a little and kisses Benji slowly, passionately, leaving them both breathless afterward.

"I'm gonna take you out tonight, Benj. I'm gonna take you to Manhattan, and we're gonna eat some real food together." He cups Benji's cheek lightly. "Sound good?"

Benji grins and leans forward for one more quick kiss. "Sounds great."

**

"That was great, Joel, thank you for dinner and everything," Benji says as they walk back into the apartment hours later. Joel closes the door and locks it behind them, grinning widely.

"Good! Glad I could treat you to a real nice meal for once."

"Every meal I have with you is really nice, Joel." Benji steps forward and kisses Joel gently. "But thanks all the same, it was a great evening."

They step apart and Joel walks towards the closet, unbuttoning his shirt. He's already packed most of the things he's going to take with him, except for bare necessities like toothbrush and shampoo, which will go in just before he leaves. "I know I'm gonna forget something," he mumbles, and while his back is turned, Benji quickly roots through his pockets for the gift he'd bought the other day.

"Joel? I uh. I wanted to give you something..."

Joel pulls on an old t-shirt and turns around, walking towards Benji with raised eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Benji holds out his hand, the small box balanced on his palm. "It's nothing super fancy or anything. Just... I thought maybe you'd like it. I dunno."

Joel licks his lips and gently removes the box from Benji's hand, cracking the lid and looking down inside. "Wow," he says, pulling out the silver chain. Attached is an old subway token, the chain threaded through the hole in the center. "Where did you find this?"

"Well. Um the chain I just got at a place down the street, but um, the coin. Like, when I was younger my parents made me carry that token with me, no matter how much money I had in my wallet or wherever. Just in case, you know? 'Cause even I guess rich people run out of money or get their wallets stolen or whatever." He clears his throat and shrugs. "But anyway, they got rid of those tokens, you know, but I still kept that with me, it was just familiar, you know, kind of like letting me know that I'd always have a way back home if I needed one. And now that you have it, you'll always make it back home."

"Oh, Benj..." Joel's voice is soft and when Benji glances up at his face, he's smiling, really gentle and sweet. "It's really... thank you." He steps forward, into Benji's space, and pulls him into a deep kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Benji replies, wrapping his arms around Joel's neck and pulling him close for another long kiss. They stand still in the little room, arms wrapped tightly around each other, for a very long time, just soaking in each other's company. Joel moves slightly after a while, tracing the curve of Benji's face with his finger. "I should probably try and sleep some. I've got to get up so early tomorrow..."

Benji nods silently and they begin getting ready for bed, both lost in thought. Joel clasps the token around his neck, tucking it beneath his shirt before he climbs into bed. Benji joins him soon after, flicking off the light before he curls up against Joel. They cling to each other, a small hint of desperation in the air around them as they drift into an uneasy sleep together.

**

Benji wakes up in the middle of the night. He's wide awake, too, it's not a gradual regaining of consciousness at all. He's laying beside Joel now, they fell away from each other in their sleep, and the blankets have been kicked almost all the way to the end of the bed. Benji sits up, looking down at Joel's body, hidden beneath a t-shirt and boxers, and he's suddenly almost desperate for contact. For anything. He runs his hand slowly down Joel's chest, and Joel's breath hitches but he doesn't wake up.

Benji moves slightly, his fingers slipping beneath the band of Joel's boxers to caress the soft skin beneath them, and Joel's eyes slide open slowly. "Benj?"

"Shhh," Benji says, a grin spreading across his face. He crawls over Joel and tugs his boxers down, and Joel regards him with a sleepy, bemused smile. It's very quiet, Benji can hear their breath and the tick of the clock hanging above the sink, and he begins to stroke Joel's cock, teasing with his fingertips, cupping Joel's balls with his other hand. He dips forward, wrapping his lips around one pebbled nipple, licking and biting it into firmness, and Joel gasps, growing in Benji's hands, his fingers sliding up Benji's arms and beneath the shirt, exploring his skin as he's assaulted by Benji's skilled hands and mouth.

Benji begins to work his way down Joel's body slowly, still stroking his cock, now half-hard. He sucks it into his mouth when he reaches Joel's middle, taking the entirety down his throat. Joel groans and threads his fingers into Benji's hair, idly thinking that he'd like to wake up like this forever. Benji's sucking and licking and rolling Joel's balls in his hand and Joel starts to thrust his hips upward, now completely turned on and mostly awake.

The unexpected sexuality as soon as he woke up seems to have made him extra sensitive, and all too soon he's biting his lip hard and the words "God, more, Benj, gonna come..." are spilling from his mouth, the words tumbling over each other as Benji swallows and begins to hum, and Joel loses it and comes hard, his back arching up off the bed.

He lowers himself slowly, every muscle in his body relaxed, and Benji keeps sucking and licking his softening cock. He nuzzles the soft hair, turning his face to bite at the inside of Joel's thigh, and Joel thinks that maybe it's time he gave a little back. He reaches over blindly, seeking out the lube on top of the bedside table, and Benji smirks when he sees what Joel is thinking.

Benji helps rid them both of their clothing and Joel squirts lube onto his fingers, sliding them together. Benji starts to sit up, exposing himself, but Joel shakes his head, his wide eyes trained on Benji's as his fingers slip down between his own legs, one finger slowly probing his entrance. Benji's eyes widen at that and he scoots back, off of Joel's legs, watching with fascination as Joel begins to prepare himself. They've never done this before; Benji's just always been the bottom. He never had any problem with that, either, it was just The Way Things Were.

Benji leans forward, pressing his mouth against Joel's thigh again, and he slips his finger up as well after coating it in saliva, easing it in with Joel's. It's amazing, the tight heat there, all Joel, surrounding just this little bit of himself, and he feels a thrill of arousal jolt through his body.

"Benj, please?"

Joel's eyes are still wide, his mouth hanging open, and Benji nods, quickly making sure he's got enough lube so that he won't hurt his lover before he bats Joel's hand away and lines himself up. "Are you sure, Joel?" he asks softly, his hand resting on Joel's stomach, and Joel nods once, his lip in between his teeth.

Benji leans forward, capturing Joel's mouth in a kiss before he begins to ease himself in. Joel gasps against his mouth and he rocks his hips forward, urging Benji inside more quickly. It's the most amazing thing, being inside of someone like this, completely intimate and completely arousing. They kiss for a long time after Benji is completely inside, both adjusting to the reversed roles, and then Benji begins to rock his hips, slowly at first, building a rhythm against Joel's body, trying to find the angle that will get him to that spot inside of Joel, the point of absolute feeling.

Joel gasps and then moans suddenly, his body tightening with pleasure, and Benji knows that he's got it. He begins to thrust quickly, fucking Joel hard, and Joel wraps his strong legs around Benji's waist and pulls him impossibly deeper, impossibly closer to the edge. "Fuck, Joel," he whispers, his lips trailing over Joel's face erratically. "You're fucking perfect, you know that? Fucking... love you."

Joel's mouth is hanging open, his hand sliding down between their bodies to wrap around his hard cock, once again feeling desire curling through his body. They're sweating; the token Benji gave him is sticking to Joel's chest, and suddenly, without any real warning, Joel's coming again. His body spasms around Benji and Benji gasps, not used to the way it feels to have someone's body so completely connected to his own. Not like this.

He thrusts twice more and comes as well, collapsing onto Joel's sticky chest. Joel kisses the top of his head, and Benji slides up his body, his cock slipping from Joel as he does, for a kiss. "I wish you didn't have to go."

"Me too." Joel kisses Benji hard, possessively. "But it'll be okay, it's only for a month. I'll be back and it'll be just like this."

"Just like this," Benji mumbles sleepily against Joel's lips. He smiles a little. "I can't wait, then."

"Me neither." Joel retrieves a sheet that had fallen from them during the course of the night and wipes them off quickly before pulling the comforter up over them. "Me neither."

Second Chances

2005-06-23T05:02:11Z

Title: Second Chances
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas (Good Charlotte)
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji has a crush on the bass player. Fluff. AU. Good times.
A/N: huge thanks to zlobnaya for beta reading this monstrous beast for me. haha 27 pages later, here's a fic for y'all.

Paul weaves his way through afternoon traffic as quickly as possible, anxious to get home. It was a long, boring, bull shit filled day at work, and it's Friday. He'd like nothing more than to kick back and relax for awhile. There's probably not a huge chance of that, honestly, but he likes to dream about it nonetheless.

The house he pulls up in front of is small, kind of run down, but he knows it's sturdy and that's what counts. He kills the engine and makes his way to the front door, ringing the doorbell and smiling when he hears an excited shriek from inside. The door swings open a moment later and he's met by two smiling face. "Hey Paul," Sarah says softly, holding the door open for him to come inside.

"Hi Sarah." Paul grins and then stumbles when the second person runs full tilt into him.

"Daddy!" she says excitedly, and he picks her up, resting her against his hip easily.

"Hey baby." Paul kisses his daughter's cheek lightly. "How was your day?"

"Fun!" She starts to ramble on about how she and Sarah played outside in the pool before naptime, and that Sarah's brother, Benji, made bologna sandwiches with potato chips inside.

"She had a busy day," Sarah says with a smile, accepting the money that Paul hands her with a thank you. "I'll see you on Monday, Celeste," she says, giving the little girl a quick hug.

"Bye Sarah!" Celeste calls as they walk down the steps towards the car, and she waves excitedly. Paul carefully arranges her in the back seat and starts away again; listening as his daughter talks about everything she did during the day. He can't help but smile as she speaks; she really is an amazing little girl.

**

"Is mommy gonna come see us this summer?" Celeste asks at dinner, and Paul licks his lips and shrugs.

"I dunno, babe. She's real busy with school."

Celeste nods and takes another bite of macaroni, chewing thoughtfully, and Paul sighs. This is going to be one of those nights, filled with question after question after question until bedtime is executed with lots of screaming and crying and pouting. "Are you and mommy married?"

"No." Paul sets his fork down and folds his hands on the table. "Why?"

"'Cause Sarah's mommy and daddy aren't married either, but she never sees her daddy ever. And sometimes I see mommy."

"Well, all moms and dads are different, just like you're different from all of your friends." Paul shrugs.

"Are you and mommy ever gonna live together?"

Another sigh. "No, sweetie."

"Can I have more macaroni?"

"Okay." Paul scoops her some more food and she eats in silence for awhile, Paul treasuring every second of it, until -

"Why is my hair blond?"

"Because of recessive genes, Celeste."

She blinks at him and then narrows her hazel eyes. "What's resvisives?"

Paul smiles and shakes his head, picking up their dishes and heading for the kitchen. "Never mind."

**

Paul and Sarah have an arrangement for the summer. She's been taking classes to be an elementary school teacher, and figured that during summer break it would be nice to hang out with kids. She's willing to watch Celeste for much less than most babysitters, and Paul feels better because his daughter is with someone he knows and trusts.

Paul's a little surprised when, one evening, he's greeted at the door not by Sarah, but her older brother Benji. They used to hang out a little back in high school, but haven't talked much at all since the twins graduated. Benji's got three piercings in his lower lip now, and a smattering of tattoos adorning his arms. "They're in the back," Benji says with a little smirk, leaning against the doorframe. "I think they might have lost track of time."

Paul raises an eyebrow but follows Benji inside, towards the back. "So," Benji says as they maneuver through the living room, "You're just workin' these days or what?"

"Yeah. Gotta make sure she's taken care of. You know."

Benji nods slowly and pushes the back screen door open. "Hey ladies! There's a hot hunka sexy man here to see you!" Paul blinks and listens to Sarah yelling and Celeste shriek with laughter. Benji steps back inside and smirks again, his arms folded across his chest as he stares arrogantly back at Paul. "You still play the bass?" he asks out of the blue, and Paul is somewhat taken aback.

"Uh. Yeah, a little. I don't have as much time as I used to any more, but yeah."

Benji nods. "We should jam sometime. Catch up on stuff or whatever."

"Well..." Paul's seriously considering it, even though he knows he really won't be able to. "I really don't have much of a chance to get out without Celeste and stuff..."

"Dude, c'mon." Benji smiles a little. "So come over here. Sarah can watch her a couple hours extra or something; we can play in the basement." The girls troop through the door then, headed for the bathroom so they can clean up before Celeste leaves for home. "Don't you want to get out sometimes?"

"Yeah." Paul leans back against the counter. "I do."

"Alright then," Benji grins. "Tomorrow? I'll ask Sarah if she's cool with it and you can just bring your shit over after work."

Paul nods, smiling a little as Celeste skips back through the house towards him, wrapping her arm around his leg possessively. "Hi daddy!"

"Hey sweetheart. Ready to go home?"

"Yes." She curls her small hand into his and waves with her free hand to Benji. "Bye Bench-ee!"

"Bye Celeste!" Benji grins a little. "See ya, Paul."

Paul nods his goodbye and leads his daughter out of the house, a little confused but kind of glad he's got plans, suddenly.

**

"Hey Sarah!" Benji shouts down the hallway to his sister. "Paul was wondering if you could watch Celeste for a couple hours longer tomorrow night!"

"He was?" She pokes her head through the bathroom door, her hair half up. "Why?"

"We were uh, just gonna hang out here after he gets off work. Y'know, kick it, catch up on old times."

Sarah raises an eyebrow and goes back into the bathroom, Benji following close behind. He arranges himself on the edge of the bathtub while she finishes straightening her hair. "You're still hung up on him, aren't you?"

"What?" Benji scoffs, folding his arms defensively. "You're full of shit, you know that? I was never hung up on him."

She looks at him incredulously. "Sarah," she says, her voice high pitched and mocking. "D'you think Paul likes guys? Sarah? D'you think Paul's got a girlfriend? Sarah! Help me steal Paul away from that Jessica bitch!"

"Oh sue me. That was five fucking years ago. And hi, he got her pregnant; I pretty much lost any chance ever after that, right? So I just want to hang out with a friend and catch up. Plus he seems kinda lonely, I dunno. Maybe he should get out more."

"I wouldn't argue with that," she says, leaning forward to fix her eyeliner. "He's a really great dad, but at the end of the day," she smacks her lips together, making sure her lip gloss is on evenly, "He's still just a twenty-one year old guy and he hasn't had a date in four years."

Benji nods slowly, wondering how a guy could go four years without a date, and if that means he'll actually have a snowball's chance in hell. That is, if he was interested, and he's just spent ten minutes arguing that he isn't.

"Have fun with your boy toy. Use protection!" he hollers at Sarah as she scurries to answer the doorbell when it rings. She yells a "fuck you!" over her shoulder at him as she leaves.

**

The next day Paul shows up, bass slung over his back safely, and Benji answers the door again when he knocks. "Hey, man! C'mon in, Sarah said she's cool to watch Celeste for awhile extra tonight."

"Awesome." Paul smiles, watching the way Benji's eyes flick from his face quickly.

"So, uh. You want a beer or anything? Or we got soda, too."

"I'll take a soda. I've gotta drive later."

Benji shrugs and nods, handing Paul a Coke and snagging a Budweiser for himself. "My room's downstairs, I got my guitar and stuff set up still."

The stairs are in the hallway, behind a door that looks like a coat closet. Benji pushes it open and hits a switch, and they descend the steep stairs quickly, Paul looking around. Punk rock band posters line the stairwell - The Casualties, Rancid, Descendants, Op Ivy and a million more. The carpet on the floor is thick, light blue, and there's a huge Scarface poster hanging above a queen sized bed with black sheets.

"So, how've you been?" Paul asks, looking around the room at the posters on the wall.

"Okay, I guess." Benji sets his beer down on a bookshelf and starts puttering around the room. "A couple months ago I broke up with my boyfriend, but otherwise nothing interesting is going on."

"Boyfriend?" Paul blurts out, and as soon as he says it he wishes he hadn't. Now he sounds like a homophobic jackass. He hazards a glance at Benji, who's just grinning at him, arms folded in that cocky way of his.

"Yeah. Boyfriend. Gotta problem?"

"No!" Paul shakes his head, smiling. "No I have no problem with gayness. I just... I didn't know that you personally caught the gay."

"Caught the gay?" Benji's jaw drops and when Paul stifles a chuckle, he bursts into laughter. "You're funny."

"And I don't even try." Paul walks across the room, sets his bass down beside an amp in the corner and turns around, surprised to find Benji standing right behind him.

"Sorry," Benji says, his breath warm on Paul's neck. "I was gonna set up the amps." He sidesteps Paul quickly, squatting down in front of the equipment, and Paul has no idea what to think of that. The temperature just went up about fifteen degrees, and he glances down at Benji, suddenly very aware of the fact that he's in someone else's room - he wonders if this could constitute a compromising situation.

"So," Benji says, his voice slightly muffled. "Do you still talk to Jessica?"

Paul leans back, sipping his Coke, and shakes his head. "No, not really. I mean, after she got pregnant her parents sent her off to boarding school and all that, and when they tried to tell me they were giving Celeste up for adoption I sued them, so. There's a lot of bad blood there. She used to come around and visit sometimes, just to see Celeste, and she wrote to her for awhile too, from college, but we haven't heard from her in probably six months." Paul falls silent for a few minutes. "Celeste was asking about her the other day, actually, wondering if she'd come visit. I kind of doubt she will, though."

"That's shitty, man." Benji turns around and sits back on his heels, looking up at Paul. "But hey, you're doin' a great job with her, I don't know if you know it, but you are. Seriously, I've never met a cooler four year old."

Paul smiles. "Thanks. If you told her that, she'd argue that you've never met a cooler four-almost-five year old, though."

"When's her birthday?"

"July fifteenth. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for her, but I guess I've got a couple months."

"Yeah." Benji stands up and grabs a guitar from a guitar stand, plugging it in and hitting a few test chords. "Not as good as it used to sound, but I can't really complain, either," he says with a grin. Paul sets his drink down and walks over, plugging his bass in as well, and in a matter of minutes the two of them are playing Longview like Billie Joe and Mike themselves. Benji even sings along, though he sounds a little nervous.

"Benji!" Sarah's voice filters down the little stairway after about half an hour, and they stop playing for a minute.

"Yeah?"

"Celeste wants to know if she can come listen for a minute."

Benji glances at Paul with raised eyebrows, and Paul smiles and nods. "Yeah, sure! For a few minutes, anyway!"

"Yay!" They hear her small feet thump-a-thumping down the stairs, and she hurtles herself face first onto Benji's bed.

"Celeste, shoes!" Paul starts to reprimand her but Benji shakes his head.

"Naw man, it's cool. There aren't a whole lot of other places to sit, it's no big."

Paul shrugs and they start playing again, this time working their way through some Rage Against the Machine. Celeste is listening attentively, and Sarah is leaning against the stairwell, her arms crossed. Paul thinks she resembles her brother a lot in that pose, the way they both exude confidence and intelligence.

Celeste claps excitedly when they finish, and Paul grins and starts to play the bass line to one of her favorite kid's TV shows. She giggles and claps, and he laughs when he's finished, never ceasing to be amazed at how bright and beautiful she is. Sarah ushers her upstairs then, getting ready to feed Celeste dinner, and the guys set their guitars aside for awhile.

Paul walks over and sits down on the edge of the bed, smoothing down the wrinkles his daughter left in the comforter and making sure there are no scuff marks from her shoes. "Sorry again that she jumped on here, I usually at the very least try to enforce a strict no-shoe policy on beds."

"Hey, seriously, don't worry about it." Benji sits down beside him, and their hands accidentally brush together. Paul feels his face warm up a little and chides himself for being such a self-conscious idiot. He's acting like a god-damned fifteen year old, not an adult with a five year old daughter, an adult who's obviously had sex at least once before, an adult who's dealt with vomit and poop and every other kind of disgusting thing known to man.

"So, uh." Paul clears his throat. "What's Joel up to?"

"He's finishing up his semester this week, actually." Benji flops back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "He went off to American University in DC after high school, he's studying business. I think he's gonna change his major, though, he's always bitching about his classes and stuff. But he'll be moving in with us when he comes back for the summer."

"Did you ever go to college or anything?"

"Me?" Benji shrugs. "I went to a semester of community college, but I dropped out. I didn't know what I wanted to study or anything. Now I just work at Target. It kinda sucks but it pays well enough, so I guess it's all good. I'll probably go back eventually."

"That's good." Paul nods, smiling a little. "I'd like to go to school eventually too, but right now with Celeste and working full time and everything it's just impossible. But maybe when she's older."

Benji hits play on his CD player and the two of them sit on the edge of his bed, talking about shows they've seen and shows they've missed, the best bands and the worst bands, people they knew and people they still know.

There's footsteps on the stairs sometime later, and Sarah pokes her head down. "Guys, I hate to break it up, but someone's getting a little cranky. It's probably about time to get her to bed."

"Oh, c'mon Sarah," Benji says with a smirk. "You always get cranky this time of night, just eat some cheese and get over it."

She rolls her eyes and flips him off before stomping back up the stairs, and Paul and Benji both chuckle. "Alright man, I'd better get going." Paul stands up, stretching. "She's really a handful when she doesn't get enough sleep."

"It's cool." Benji stands up along with him. "Thanks for coming over."

"Thanks for having me." Paul smiles. "Would uh, would it be cool if I left my bass here, maybe we could do this again sometime?"

"Yeah!" Benji grins brightly, sliding his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "Totally, that'd be awesome. Whenever you want, I usually work mornings so I'm here when you show up most of the time."

"Thanks." Paul starts up the stairs. "See you later, then."

"Yeah, see ya!"

As soon as Paul is up the stairs and out of sight, Benji collapses back on his bed again, wondering how the hell he's going to convince a straight man with a daughter to give him a chance.

**

Paul decides to stick around again a few days later. Once again he made arrangements with Sarah before coming over, and Benji snags him another Coke on the way down to the basement when he gets there. "You wanna play video games or anything?" Benji asks, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

"Sure," Paul smiles and sits down beside him. "But I have to warn you - my four-almost-five year old daughter regularly kicks my sorry ass at pretty much all of these, so you're not up against very interesting competition."

Benji laughs and hands Paul a controller. "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you. And I wouldn't feel bad; some kids these days are little bad asses." He turns a bright, charming smile on Paul. "The products of bad ass parents, no doubt."

Once again, Paul feels his face warm at that, and he shrugs. "Well. I dunno, she's always had her own weird little personality." He smiles.

They end up playing video games for quite awhile. Celeste creeps downstairs eventually and curls up on Benji's bed, snoring softly when she falls asleep. Paul figures pretty soon after that he should get her home, and he apologizes softly as he scoops her up into his arms because she drooled on Benji's pillow case.

"Don't worry about it." Benji grins and shakes his head, walking them out to the car. Celeste is whining tiredly about having to move, and Paul kisses her temple and smoothes her hair back as he clicks the seat belt around her. "Thanks for letting us hang out again," he says softly, fishing through his pockets for his keys.

"No problem," Benji says with a smile. "I'm always glad to have you guys over." Paul licks his lips and nods quickly, saying good bye and getting in the car. Benji waves as they pull off, and he drives quickly, wanting to get home and get his daughter to sleep.

Bedtime is never a very easy thing in the Thomas house, even when Celeste is already obviously exhausted. She whines, she cries, she hides, she does everything in her power to not be in bed. When finally tucked in she demands stories until either she falls asleep or Paul finally loses his patience and tells her to talk herself to sleep. The latter is a very rare occurrence, and tonight she falls asleep after about four minutes of reading.

There aren't a whole lot of toys scattered around this evening, but Paul makes the rounds anyway, picking them up and tossing them in the toy basket. He manages to keep himself distracted through doing the dishes, but when he sits down he feels somewhat overwhelmed.

It's stupid, he thinks, to even be thinking the things he's trying not be thinking about. He can't help it though - what if Benji is being nice because he thinks Paul is gay too? What if he wants to tap this fine ass? It's ridiculous - not everyone who is gay is going to hit on every single person they know, Paul knows this. He does, and he feels like a complete asshole for even thinking about it.

Benji's a good guy, he always has been. Kind of an asshole sometimes, especially towards authority figures. They didn't hang out a whole lot in school and only sometimes on weekends when Paul and Sarah would do things together. Celeste was born around the time they started getting close, and after that Paul just didn't have any time at all. He'd made it through his junior year and started his senior, but ended up dropping out and getting his GED. There was too much going on, with her growing up and lawsuits from both families threatening to come down.

And now, here's Benji, back in his life after years of not even really thinking about him. Being friendly and nice and letting Paul and Celeste into his home. Paul lies back on his sofa and closes his eyes. Maybe it's just been too long since he had a real friend, one who doesn't seem to mind his daughter or the fact that he can't drink or do drugs or party all the time.

He decides in the end that this really isn't worth worrying about, and falls asleep there in his living room, his hands folded on his stomach.

**

Joel comes home soon after, bringing all his crap along with him and Benji's house now feels about six times smaller than it did before. With the three of them, plus Celeste and occasionally Paul, it's starting to feel a little cramped in there. But the rent is cheap spaced out between three people, and the other two aren't complaining, so Benji keeps to himself.

"Hey Benji," Joel asks one day. "What's the deal with Paul?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why's he here all the fucking time? Not that I mind really, but since when are you guys best friends forever?"

Benji flushes with irritation and shrugs. "He just doesn't have a lot of other friends these days, I'm trying to keep him busy."

"He's trying," Sarah pipes up from the couch, "To get in Paul's pants."

"Sarah!" Benji groans.

"Dude," Joel says seriously. "Probably not a great idea."

"Oh what the hell do you know?" Benji watches Joel flop down next to Sarah on the couch. "You've been back a whole fucking week."

"I'm just sayin' is all." Joel shrugs. "He's straight, dude. Straight guys, especially ones with young, impressionable daughters, don't usually just turn gay."

"I. Don't. Want. In. His. Pants."

"It's okay, Benji," Sarah says, smiling up at him. "I think it'd be totally cute. He needs a nice boy in his life."

"Oh my god, shut up."

"What, uncomfortable, Benj? Don't like the idea of that nice boy tangled up in your black silk sheets?"

"Fuck you both," Benji says angrily, turning on his heel and stomping down to the basement where he turns on Minor Threat as loud as possible.

Joel snorts as the angry music filters up through the floor. "So honestly, do you think he's gonna try and go for Paul?"

Sarah shrugs, hugging a pillow to her chest. "I dunno. I think he'd really like to, but he knows it'd be hard with Celeste and everything. But Paul really does need some company."

"You're not even a little worried about the fact that Benji's going to get his little heart completely broken?"

"Joel, this is Benji. He gets his heart broken regularly."

"He does?" Joel leans forward. "The last boyfriend?"

She nods conspiratorially. "Yep. Benji caught homeboy fucking another guy downstairs here. Can you believe that?"

"I knew he was lying to me!" Joel says. "And who is he; I'll tear him the fuck up."

"Oh don't worry," Sarah replies, eyes bright. "When Benji walked in on them, you know his temper, and he just about ripped the guy's balls off. I've never seen him that angry."

"Yikes."

"Yep. But get this, so homeboy gets off with just a beating. The boy toy he was fucking managed to escape scot-free, until some of Benji's friends from that car restoration club thing that he's in somehow managed to find out where the guy lived."

Joel's eyes got a little wider. "Did he die?"

"No, no. He got a few bumps and bruises, nothing huge. But dude, get this." Joel leans forward even more. "They're still finding parts of the guy's car around town, in the oddest places, too. There was even some down in Virginia, I heard. The cops don't even know what to do with this kind of case!"

"Wow," Joel says with a grin. It turns more serious after a second though. "So you're saying if Paul hurts Benji, Benji will get revenge?"

"Well, c'mon now. I seriously doubt that Benji's gonna mess with a guy with a kid like that, and Paul really isn't the kind of guy who's gonna fuck things up, anyway. Benji's last boyfriend? Yeah. The guy was eighteen. Barely legal, right, but according to Benji he had a 'hot, tight little ass and could suck cock like a prom queen,' so."

"Oh my god, Sarah! I don't need to be hearing that stuff about Benji's sex life, and neither do you! I can't believe he told you that!"

"Well," she smiles innocently, "He wasn't exactly talking to me..."

"You little sneak."

They both crack up to the faint tune of Guilty of Being White.

**

Paul starts to hang around more often after that. It starts with just a couple times a week, and then it's nearly every night that he and Celeste are over. If Sarah and Joel have to be out, Benji and Paul end up making macaroni and watching movies with her sitting serenely between them, giggling and laughing and having a fine time.

Benji starts to feel more at ease with Paul, and realizes that he's really content to just have Paul as a good friend. They can talk for hours; there are never uncomfortable moments any more - just two guys hanging out and having fun. Benji realizes that Paul has cut himself off from a lot of people; he's got work friends, sure, but no one he really hangs out with aside from Benji. How many people Paul's age want to hang out with a five year old, though?

Finally one day Paul invites everyone over to his place for a Saturday afternoon barbeque. Sarah and Joel beg out, claiming they've got work or dates and won't be able to make it. Benji happily accepts, though, and he drives over around four o'clock. He hears Celeste yelling excitedly when he rings the doorbell, and the door swings open a moment later. She grins up at him happily.

"Bench-ee! Hi!"

"Hey Celeste! How are you?"

"Good!" She turns around and hops into the house, and Benji follows her with a grin. "Daddy says bring you outside!"

The house is small, a little two bedroom with a living room, dining room and kitchen that Benji sees. There are a few toys scattered around, and some paintings and posters on the walls, but no photographs really. The place is very clean, and it looks like a home, whereas Benji still feels like his place is more of just a house his stuff is in.

They exit through the back door in the kitchen and Paul smiles and waves, flipping a hamburger as he does so. "Hey Benj, glad you made it!"

"Are you kidding?" Benji grins. "I'd never pass up an offer of free food."

Paul laughs and offers Benji a beer while situating Celeste at the little picnic table they've got set up. "Do you want a hamburger or a hot dog, Benji? Or both? Or more than one of one and just one of the other?"

Benji snorts and shrugs. "I'll start with a hamburger and we'll go from there."

"A wise decision." Paul flips a hamburger onto a plate for Benji and a hot dog for Celeste, fixing hers up for her with lots of ketchup before he puts the works on his own hamburger. The three of them eat happily, everyone getting seconds, and Celeste forgoes her naptime because she wants to stay up and play and talk to Benji more.

They end up in the living room, Celeste playing with her toys while Benji and Paul watch horrible Saturday evening television and pretend they're on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Eventually Celeste curls up beside Paul and falls asleep with her head in his lap, and he lets her sleep for about half an hour before risking the mention of bedtime.

Benji really isn't expecting her to be as argumentative as she is about it - she's usually such a good kid, really laid back, but when Paul shakes her awake and tells her she has to get ready for bed, she starts a whine that continues non-stop all the way to the bathroom where she brushes her teeth. Somehow she manages to whine through that, even, arguing with her dad constantly about how she's almost five, she can stay up a little bit longer now, and she's not tired at all, despite the fact that she's yawning every two minutes or so.

Paul only argues back a little bit, mostly standing by the "I'm the dad and ultimately I'm much, much bigger than you, and if you keep complaining I will pick you up and put you in bed whether you like it or not" attitude, and she eventually concedes and crawls into bed with a cranky pout plastered across her face.

"Can Bench-ee at least tell me a story?" she begs, and Paul rolls his eyes but asks Benji if he'd be willing.

Benji smiles and shrugs. "Sure, I got tons of stories. What do you want to hear?"

She points at a book lying on the floor and Benji picks it up, reading through it. It's about a little boy who gets lost in the woods, and a magic bird finds him and tells him the way home. Benji thinks it's pretty cute, and when he finishes she's almost asleep but still begging for just one more.

"Just one more, huh?" Benji grins slowly. "Okay, well, here's one that's a true story. Once upon a time there was a boy named Sid, and he had a girlfriend named Nancy. Sid was in a real famous band, and one fateful day -"

"Okay, I think it's time for lights out," Paul interrupts with a snort, bending over to kiss Celeste on the forehead. "Goodnight sweetie."

"Night daddy," she mumbles, and Benji grins as they leave the room, closing the door behind them quietly.

"I would have changed the ending," he tells Paul as they collapse back on the couch, and Paul raises an eyebrow.

"To what? Instead of murder-suicide it's fluffy bunnies and blueberry pie?"

Benji laughs. "I would have thought of something. I'm good at improvising."

Paul smiles and leans back, resting his head on top of the couch. "I believe it."

"So." Benji folds his hands behind his head. "So, uh, I'm still trying to figure this out, with Celeste and Jessica and everything - you sued her parents?"

"Yeah." Paul shrugs. "They wanted to give her up for adoption, and while that's usually the woman's choice, since I wanted custody they had to hear me out. I fought for full custody and arranged it so that none of them would have to pay anything, ever. Not child support or tuition or anything. Luckily, for some reason my parents backed me up a hundred percent."

"For some reason?"

"Well. They're not assholes at all, but it just surprised me that they'd be willing to help out so much. They still do, I leave her with them one weekend a month or so, just to get a breath of fresh air. They really like having her around, so it's cool."

"And Jessica's not really too interested?"

"Well." Paul stares at his hands. "I think it really fucked with her that her parents were so unsupportive of her. I mean, dude, her mom mentioned an abortion and like, whatever, maybe that's fine for some people but not for any baby of mine, and Jess didn't want that either. But still like, it's got to be hard when your parents are like, you can't ever see your baby, you have to get rid of it as soon as it's born.

"She would come see me sometimes (even though she really wasn't supposed to, I don't think) since after the legal stuff her parents pretty much wanted me out of their lives completely and forever. But yeah, she would sneak over and hold Celeste, but she always seemed kind of weirded out by the whole thing. And her visits got fewer and fewer, and she went off to college and wrote some. But the last letter we got was a Christmas card, basically like, 'Hey baby, happy Christmas. See you, Jess.' But Celeste still kept the card and everything."

Benji shakes his head. "That sounds so hard, man. You guys are really brave."

"Brave?" Paul raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. "I don't know if that's the right word. I mean, having a kid - that makes you grow up fast. It kinda sucks but, well. We make do, and that's enough for now."

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes and then Benji stretches and stands up slowly. "Listen, I'd probably better take off. I have to work in the morning, and contrary to popular belief, I do sometimes need a full night of sleep."

Paul laughs and stands up as well, walking Benji to the front door. "Thanks for coming over today, man. It was nice having you, you're welcome whenever."

"Thanks for having me." Benji licks his lips and stuffs his hands into his pockets. "Well, I'll see ya."

Paul feels odd, like this should end differently, but he just nods and waves a little. "Bye. Drive safe."

Benji skips down the front steps and Paul watches him, feeling more a little disappointed, though he can't really put his finger on why. He closes and locks the door and then wanders back into his bedroom, lying back on his bed with a book, trying to keep himself distracted.

"Daddy?" Celeste appears in his doorway awhile later, and Paul looks up at her.

"What's up?" He pats the bed and she shuffles over to crawl up on the bed beside him.

"I couldn't sleep. There's noise outside."

"That's okay. Talk to me until you get sleepy, then."

She nods, stifling a yawn. "Oo oo ike wenhee?" she asks with her mouth wide open, and Paul laughs and shrugs.

"What was that?"

"Do you like Bench-ee?"

Paul blinks, not expecting that at all. "I guess so, he's a friend. Why?"

She shrugs and snuggles closer to him. "I like Bench-ee, I think you should too."

Ah, youth, Paul thinks, wrapping his arm around her. If only it were that easy, sweetheart. "We'll see, baby. We'll just have to see." He kisses the top of her head gently. "But it helps a lot that you like him."

She closes her eyes and smiles against his shirt. "Can I ever ride a horse someday?"

"Maybe someday. When you're old enough to go by yourself, because Daddy is never going to go with you."

She giggles. "Why not?"

"Because Daddy does not like horses one single bit."

"Well maybe Bench-ee will take me then." She giggles again, hiding her face against his chest.

Paul sucks his lower lip into his mouth thoughtfully, resting his chin lightly on top of her head. "Maybe he will, beautiful. Maybe he will."

**

Benji gets home and walks inside, nowhere near ready for bed. He hears music coming from Joel's room and knocks once on the door before just opening it and walking inside. Joel's lying back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and tapping his fingers against his chest in time to the music.

"What's up, bro?" he asks, and Benji flops down on the bed beside him.

"I've got a problem, Joel."

"You've come to the right place, padawan."

"Shut up." Benji elbows Joel lightly in the ribs. "Seriously though, like. Dude I can't get Paul out of my head. It was cool for awhile, y'know, I didn't even think about him like that, and now suddenly it was like every second I was over at his house I just wanted to turn my head and kiss him until we couldn't breathe any more."

Joel nods sagely, his eyes sliding closed for a guitar solo. "That does sound like quite a problem, young Jedi." He taps his fingers some more. "But I believe that I can assist you."

"Are you stoned?"

One eye slides open and Joel turns his head to look at Benji with a small smile. "Nope. But I did just so happen to get the phone number of this really hot little scenester tonight at the show I went to."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah." Joel's smile turns into a mischievous grin. "He's got a hot, tight little ass and looks like he could suck cock like a prom queen."

Benji narrows his eyes and then shoves Joel hard. "Fuck you, how is that supposed to help me?"

"It'll take your mind off things! Seriously, Benj," Joel rests a hand on his brother's arm. "At the very least let this guy have hot steamy sex with you and maybe it'll, I dunno, de-tensify you or whatever. You're too tense."

Benji blinks, trying to wrap his mind around Joel's reasoning, and in the end he decides that, okay, maybe getting laid would be kind of nice. It has been a really long time, after all. "Okay, okay. That kind of makes sense."

Joel starts laughing loudly and sits up, digging around through his pants pockets until he comes up with a folded piece of beer bottle label. "Okay, here's his number. Troy was his name. How adorable is that? Troy."

"Okay, now the million dollar question, genius: how am I supposed to call up some guy who gave you his number?"

Joel blinks. "We are twins, y'know. Maybe he won't notice."

Benji sighs and rolls over, irritated beyond belief. Why he expected Joel to take this seriously, he has no idea.

"Wait, wait, okay fine." Joel lays his hand on top of Benji's. "Seriously, I'll call him tomorrow and say, hey dude y'know, honestly I've got a thing going on right now, but my brother might be interested. I'll talk to him for you, see if he's willing or something."

Benji covers his eyes with his hands, not really sure if this is something that's going to help at all. "Whatever, okay. Thanks Joel."

"Sure thing, bro." Joel rolls over onto his back, once again staring up at the ceiling. "You know my only real interest in all of this is your happiness."

Benji rolls his eyes, but he's smiling, and he heads downstairs to play video games.

**

That Monday, when Paul stops by to pick Celeste up, he heads down to Benji's room after saying hello to Sarah. "Hey, Benj? I can't stay long but uh, I was wondering if you want to come hang out on Wednesday night? There's a sci-fi marathon on AMC..."

Benji looks up from where he's plucking at his acoustic guitar and frowns a little. "Actually, uh, I sort of have a date on Wednesday."

"Oh." Paul blinks and kicks the floor with his toe. "Uh, that's cool, then."

"Yeah." Benji sets his guitar aside and leans back in his chair. "I guess, I don't really know the guy. He's someone Joel met at a show, actually, but I figure it can't hurt to give it a shot." He shrugs. "Maybe I've been single too long."

Paul realizes he's frowning and forces a smile. "Hey, never know. He could be the guy of your dreams, huh?"

Benji laughs and shakes his head. "I doubt it. I can't imagine the guy of my dreams is someone my brother met at a show."

"Well, hey, at least you guys have music in common, huh?"

"I guess. I wouldn't really be too keen on basing an entire relationship on musical taste, though. That seems a little shallow."

"Benji?" Paul's grinning now, despite himself. He adopts his best lisp and flips his wrist. "Honey, honestly? You're kinda shallow."

"I am not!" Benji snickers. "So, okay yes, music is important to me. But really, I'd rather be able to have a decent conversation with someone about whatever. Movies or books or video games or just. Whatever retarded shit comes up, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know." Paul clears his throat, suddenly feeling vaguely uncertain, as though he's missing something important. He forces the feeling down and smiles again, glancing up the stairs when he hears Celeste calling for him. "Alright, I'd better get going. It's daddy-daughter night and we can't miss even one single second of Mulan. Let me know how it goes though, huh?"

"Oh. Okay, will do." Benji waves, "See ya later, Paul."

**

Troy shows up five minutes late; Benji expected nothing less. It's become the trend to be fashionably late, but to Benji it's just irritating. He waves goodbye to Joel, who's hiding in his room, and heads out the door. Troy is pretty decent looking - he's a little taller than Benji, thin, with black hair and a lip ring adorning the corner of his mouth. He's wearing very, very tight jeans, which Benji has very little appreciation for, but he figures that's just one visible fault out of a bunch of niceness.

They're going to dinner at an Italian place, and they talk idly about local bands they're both into on the way. Troy seems to be more into the emo scene, but Benji figures that's something that could be worked on if they go on another date. He doesn't seem too bad, Benji supposes. He drives a pretty nice car and he seems pretty well educated, but not pretentious, at least, not yet.

He orders vegetarian lasagna and iced tea, and Benji's suddenly worried. What if he orders the chicken cordon bleu like he usually does and it offends his date? Fuck. He ends up just getting the same thing; figuring vegetarian lasagna can't be too bad.

They don't talk a whole lot over dinner, and Benji finds his mind wandering He's wondering if Paul ever takes Celeste out for dinner beside McDonald's, and what Sarah's doing this evening with her boyfriend Sam.

They split the bill when it comes and Benji stops Troy before they get into the car. "Listen, dude, I... well. I know we had a movie planned and stuff, but honestly, I'm not feeling it. I'm sorry, just... well. Yeah."

Troy cocks his head to the side and Benji is expecting a typical gay boy hissy fit, complete with stranding him in the parking lot. But Troy smiles instead and shakes his head. "Naw, me either, man. I mean, you're probably great, but I've had better dates with chicks."

"Yeah?" Benji laughs. "Fuck you, buddy."

"C'mon," Troy says, unlocking the car. "I'll take you home. And, to tell the truth," he says as they slide in and close the doors. "I only hit on your brother to make an ex jealous."

Benji raises an eyebrow and then starts to laugh, suddenly loving the fact that this was one of the most boring dates ever. He's got somewhere else he could be, anyway. Somewhere fun.

**

There's a knock at the door and Paul frowns as he goes to answer it, wondering who would be coming over at ten at night. He swings the door open, complete surprise flashing across his face when he sees Benji standing on his porch. "Benji? What's up, aren't you supposed to be on a date?"

"Yeah." Benji shrugs and steps inside, and Paul closes the door behind them. "I dunno, he was kind of boring and I realized while we were out that I'd be having more fun if I was just sitting here with you, talking about nothing and watching crappy sci-fi and playing MST3K."

"Oh." Paul nods and bites his lip, the conversation they had earlier in the week running through his mind, and he steps to the side. "Come on in, uh, do you want anything to drink?"

Benji shakes his head and steps forward, very close to Paul. "I'm fine," he says softly, his breath warm on Paul's cheek. "But thank you."

Paul closes his eyes for a second, trying to gather his thoughts, and then he suddenly feels Benji's lips against his own. He jerks back, more startled than anything, and Benji drops his eyes to the floor. "Sorry. I'll just." He clears his throat and turns around, his muscles tensed, about ready to bolt. "I'll see you later."

"Wait!" Paul reaches out and wraps his hand around Benji's wrist, not wanting him to go. "Wait, Benj. Don't leave." Benji doesn't turn around, just stays where he is, eyes focused on his car, his body stiff. He doesn't say anything, and Paul steps closer.

"Look, just. I'm sorry. I just have so many reasons why I don't necessarily get with people." He licks his lips, watching Benji nod just slightly. "Well, one huge reason. I've tried this before and it's never as easy as it seems like it should be, this dating thing. No one takes me seriously when I tell them that they'll never, ever be number one to me."

"Paul, I think I get it." Benji glances back, Paul's fingers warm against his skin. "I know it's hard, I've heard you talking about it. I've been here for some of it. I see your daughter almost every day, and I know how much you love her. I never expected to take her place." He shrugs and tries to shake his arm free.

Paul swallows thickly and tightens his grip on Benji's wrist, pulling him around so that they're facing each other. "I just don't want you to get hurt," he says softly, meeting Benji's gaze.

Benji shakes his head and takes a small step closer, and this time Paul dips his head, brushing his lips against Benji's lightly. Their mouths open together, and Paul slides his tongue into Benji's mouth tentatively. Benji responds, moving his tongue against Paul's, and it's everything either of them could have hoped, really. Paul slides his arms around Benji's waist and Benji tangles his fingers into Paul's hair. They fall back against the wall, Benji flat against it, pressed together, both breathless. Benji slides his mouth up along Paul's jaw line, kissing and sucking lightly on the spot beneath his ear, and Paul makes a soft sound in the back of his throat.

"B-Benj," he says breathlessly as Benji works his way down Paul's throat, "Maybe we should - ah! - take this a little slow?"

"Mmmm," Benji replies, his lips finding Paul's once more. "Slow is good." He pulls Paul into a deep kiss, licking and sucking his way into Paul's mouth slowly, almost sensually. Paul's knees are weak; he hasn't been with someone like this in almost a year and he has almost forgotten how amazing even just kissing could be. Paul pulls Benji impossibly closer, tighter in his arms, and he can feel the heat radiating off him in waves. He's working up the courage to suggest moving this whole thing someplace more comfortable when their moment is broken by a tiny, sleepy voice.

"Daddy?"

Paul pulls back, his wide eyes meeting Benji's, and he untangles himself quickly. "Hey sweetie, what are you doing up?"

"I heard noise." She sucks her lower lip into her mouth and looks from Paul to Benji and back again slowly. "What's Bench-ee doing here?"

"He just came over to say hi," Paul says, stepping forward and lifting Celeste into his arms. "But you need to be back in bed."

She frowns sleepily and looks about ready to cry as Paul starts to carry her back to her room. "I'll be right back," he says over his shoulder, and Benji gives Celeste a little goodbye wave.

"Were you and Bench-ee kissing?" Celeste asks as Paul tucks her back in. He sighs and sits down on the edge of her bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin.

"Yeah, we were kissing."

"I thought that only mommies and daddies kissed. And you couldn't 'cause mommy isn't here."

He tries to think of exactly how to explain something like this to a five year-old. "It's not just for mommies and daddies. Grown ups kiss when they like each other very, very much."

She yawns hugely. "Are you gonna marry Benji?"

"What?" Paul blinks, completely taken aback by that. "Sweetie, I have no idea. You need to go to sleep though, 'cause we have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow." He bends over and kisses her forehead, making sure that she's going to stay where she is before saying goodnight and leaving the room.

Benji is still in the front hallway, leaning back against the wall, and frankly Paul is a little surprised to see him still in the house. "Uh, sorry about that." He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "She's back in bed."

"Hey, it's okay." Benji gives him a little smile.

"Is it?" Paul shrugs and leans back against the wall beside Benji. "I mean, that's probably going to happen regularly, if this happens regularly - there's just no way we could have lots of private time, and I know that's important in a relationship and shit, and just - "

"Paul, dude, shut up." Benji grins and swings to the side so that he's standing in front of Paul. "Really, it's okay." He leans forward and presses his lips against Paul's in a slow, deep kiss. Their hands find their way back to the places they'd been before, and it feels like hours have gone by when they finally pull apart.

"I should go, I have to work tomorrow," Benji says softly, kissing Paul's mouth and chin and jaw. "But maybe we should do this again sometime?"

Paul grins and gives Benji a squeeze. "I'd like that." He glances back towards Celeste's room and then back to Benji. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, when I go pick her up?"

"Okay." They kiss once more, this one less racy than the others, and Paul holds the door open for Benji after they say goodbye, watching him skip down the steps.

**

Benji walks into his house and is met by an expectant Joel. "Hey! How was it?"

"It was pretty boring," Benji replies, flashing his brother a little smile and starting towards his room.

"What? That's it?" Joel gets up from the couch and scurries after Benji, following him down into his room. "I don't get juicy details?"

"There aren't any juicy details, Joel. We went to dinner, it was boring, he brought me home."

Joel blinks and cocks his head to the side. "But you just showed up in your car."

"I just went for a drive after he dropped me off."

"Where'd you drive to?"

Benji spins on his heel in the middle of the stairway. "Do you mind, dude? I'd really like to get some sleep before work. Thanks for the help with Troy or whatever, but I'm really tired."

Joel blinks and then rolls his eyes and stomps back up the stairs. "Fine. Sleep good asshole."

Benji feels a little bad about brushing Joel off like that, but he's not in the mood to talk about what happened, especially with Joel, who will doubtless ask a million fucking questions. Benji's content to just lay back and fall asleep, still tasting Paul on his lips.

**

"Joel!" Sarah bursts into Joel's room bright and early the next morning, and Joel groans and pulls his blanket up over his head.

"What the fuck, Sarah? What time is it?"

"Joel, you will not believe what I just heard."

Joel sits up at that, intrigued despite himself. "What?"

"Put some clothes on and get out here."

"Okay, I'll be right out." Sarah pulls the door closed and Joel hops out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. Sometimes sleeping naked is not all that. He stumbles into the kitchen where Sarah shoves a cup of coffee at him and leads him into the living room where Celeste is sitting in a chair drinking Kool-Aid.

"What's going on?" Joel asks and Sarah sits down across from Celeste.

"Celeste, why don't you tell Joel what you just told me."

She grins and takes a deep drink of her Kool-Aid. "I's tellin' Sarah that last night I sawed daddy and Bench-ee kissing at my house. And daddy says he likes Bench-ee 'cause that's why grown ups kiss like that, 'cause they like each other."

Joel blinks. "They let you watch them kiss?"

She shakes her head and takes another drink. "No, I woke up 'cause I heard a noise and they stopped kissing when they saw me. Daddy took me back to bed and said he likes Bench-ee."

A slow smile spreads across Joel's face and he sits back, sipping his coffee. "Sarah, when does Benj get home from work?"

"Today's one of his shorter days, he should be home in an hour or so."

"Awesome."

**

When Paul knocks on the door, it's opened by Sarah wearing the biggest grin ever. "Paul! Hi, come on in, glad to see ya! Let me just go get Celeste cleaned up."

"Uh, thanks," Paul steps inside, a little confused by her enthusiasm.

"Oh, sure, sure!" She grins even bigger than before, "Oh and Benji's downstairs if you want to, you know, say hi or anything."

"Okay, I'll go say hi or anything." Paul shakes his head as he makes his way down the stairs, wondering what the hell Sarah's on. "Benji? You down here?" He pokes his head around the corner and finds Benji sitting on the edge of his bed, reading through a guitar magazine.

"Oh. Hi Paul, um, c'mon in."

Paul settles himself beside Benji on the bed. "What's up?"

"Nothin' much. Reading a magazine."

"Oh." Paul shifts a little uncomfortably and nods. "That's cool, I guess." He scratches his temple. "So, Sarah seems kind of weird today, is everything alright with her?"

Benji sighs and sets the magazine aside, looking over at Paul finally. "She and Joel found out about last night, I guess Celeste let it slip that we were kissing, so they've been pestering me about it all day." He shakes his head.

"Oh shit." Paul winces. "I'm so sorry, Benj, I didn't even think to tell her anything, like not to say anything or whatever."

"No, it's fine. I'm not mad; they're just really annoying when they get on a roll like this." He shrugs and hesitantly threads his fingers with Paul's. "They'll get over themselves soon enough."

Paul gives Benji's hand a little squeeze and then scoots closer, dipping his head and kissing Benji softly. Benji opens his mouth, sucking Paul's lower lip in and biting it lightly. "Do you have any plans for tomorrow night?" Paul asks, his lips still pressed against Benji's.

"No. Nothing at all."

"Okay, good." Paul kisses him again, and again, quick little kisses. "'Cause I called Celeste's grandparents today and they agreed to take her for the whole weekend."

Benji grins. "The whole weekend? That sounds intriguing."

"Well." Paul kisses him once more, deep this time, tongues sliding together, and when he pulls back Benji looks a little breathless. "We'll see what happens Friday night and go from there, huh?"

"I can't wait."

**

"Daddy and Benji sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Celeste!" Paul rests his head on the steering wheel at a stop light on the way over to his parent's house, trying his hardest to keep sane. "Where did you learn that song?"

"Joel taught me! He said it was the best song ever and to sing it to Bench-ee 'cause it's Bench-ee's favorite song even though I sang it today and Bench-ee ran away. Maybe he didn't like my singing."

The light turns green and Paul starts driving again, muttering under his breath. "What daddy?"

"I said you have a lovely singing voice, I'm sure that's not what it was, sweetheart."

"Oh. I wonder why Bench-ee ran away, then."

"I have no idea. But Celeste," he turns into his parent's driveway and when he turns off the engine he turns around to look at her. "Please don't sing that song this weekend while you're here, okay? I don't think Grandma and Grandpa like that one as much as maybe Benji does. Can you do that for me?" She nods and he holds his hand out to her. "Promise?"

"I promise," she says solemnly, shaking Paul's hand. "I won't sing it no more."

"Any more," Paul tells her and he gets out, unbuckling her and letting her run up the lawn and into her grandmother's open arms.

"Grandma!" she squeals excitedly, giving Paul's mom a huge hug.

"Hey sweetie! And hi Paul!"

"Hi mom." Paul walks up, Celeste's overnight bag slung over his arm. "Thanks again for taking her for the weekend, I really appreciate it."

"Oh, you know we're always happy to have her over. We understand needing a break, we had two of our own, remember?"

Paul smiles and kisses his mom on the cheek. "How could I forget?" He hands over the bag containing clothes and toothpaste and a few toys, and then picks his daughter up and kisses her on the forehead. "You be good this weekend, okay? Don't let them spoil you too much."

She giggles and wraps her arms around his neck, giving him a little kiss on the cheek. "Bye bye daddy."

"Bye beautiful." He gives her one last squeeze and then sets her down, saying goodbye to his mom and getting back onto the road. He pulls up in front of the Madden house about fifteen minutes later and steps out, suddenly a little nervous. It's been so long since he was out on an actual date with anyone, he barely remembers what to do.

Joel opens the door when Paul knocks and lets him inside, leading him into the living room. "So, Paul." They sit down and Joel leans forward, looking at Paul through narrowed eyes. "I know you and I haven't really spoken much in - well, ever, actually, so just humor me for a minute, would you?"

"Uh." Paul clears his throat. "Okay."

"What are your intentions with my brother?"

Paul blinks, really not expecting that one. "I... guess they're good?"

"You guess?" One eyebrow goes up and Paul can't help but wonder if this guy is for real. "That doesn't sound very reassuring."

"Um. Well." He clears his throat again, trying to think of a response, and finally gives up. "Y'know, I'd love to stay here and catch up, but I think I'll go see what Benji's doing... " Paul starts to stand up just as Benji walks around the corner. He narrows his eyes at Joel suspiciously.

"What are you doing to my date?"

Joel adopts the most innocent look Paul's ever seen on a grown man. "Who, me? I was just making sure my brother's best interests were looked out for! You know your safety and happiness are the only things I really care about, right?"

Benji rolls his eyes, flips Joel off, and grabs Paul's hand. "Don't you have anything better to do?" He pulls Paul towards the door, and Paul raises his hand in a little goodbye wave as they go. "I'm so sorry," Benji says when they're on the porch. "He's an asshole."

Paul laughs and leans forward, pressing his lips against Benji's lightly. "Hey, don't worry about it. I think it's a sibling's job to make their brother miserable. It's in the job description."

"Mmmm." Benji kisses Paul again, stepping closer, and things are just about to get good when Joel wolf-whistles from inside the doorway.

"You guys are so cute! Seriously, I cannot get over it!"

"Oh god. Hey, fuck you!" Benji stomps down the stairs and Paul follows, laughing silently at the entire situation. If nothing else, he thinks, this should be an entertaining night.

**

The next morning, Paul wakes up with warm weight beside him and smiles to himself. He rolls over, taking in Benji's ruffled hair, slightly parted lips, arm slung up over his head. It's really kind of cool, the contrast between the bright tattoos scattered all over his body and the serene look on his face as he sleeps - totally hardcore but very gentle at the same time.

Benji stirs when Paul moves a little and cracks one eye open, his lips turning up in a smile. "Morning," he says softly, his voice gravely.

"Morning." Paul scoots closer and dips his head for a quick kiss. "Did you sleep well?"

"Mmhmm." Benji wraps his arms around Paul and rolls them over halfway so that he's lying with his head on Paul's chest. "'M hungry though."

Paul chuckles, running his fingers through Benji's hair slowly. "I think I have frozen waffles. And I definitely have all of the most sugar enriched cereals known to man. And Cheerios."

Benji laughs. "Because Cheerios would totally balance all of that out. But that sounds fine to me."

"Cool." Paul kisses the top of Benji's head.

"Hey Paul?"

"Hmmm?"

Benji shifts just enough to look up into Paul's eyes, smiling. "Thanks for giving me a chance."

Paul grins. "Thanks for making me take one."

Ditch

2005-06-11T08:04:22Z

Title: Ditch
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Sequel to my story Show Me, wherein the boys go from First Kiss Squee to lots of excited touching.
A/N: Thanks forever to zlobnaya rocking the beta reading hizzouse.

Benji wakes up the next morning, tangled in blankets. He opens his eyes and smacks his lips together, his mouth dry as cardboard - fucking sleeping with his mouth open. He's hot as hell, too; the morning sun is shining right on the bed and he's all sticky and uncomfortable. Joel groans beside him and Benji blinks and rolls his head to the side, coming face to face with his brother, who's fast asleep and drooling on the pillow.

He tries to untangle himself without waking Joel up (it works in all the movies, after all) but Joel stirs and opens his eyes with a little grunt of frustration. "What're you doing?" he mumbles, and Benji sits up, scratching the back of his neck.

"Trying to sneak out before my girlfriend wakes up."

"Fuck you." Joel manages to untangle one of his hands from the blankets and flips Benji off. He sits up as well and licks his lips. They manage to avoid eye contact for a minute before Joel ducks his head and leans close, pressing his lips against Benji's chin.

Benji lowers his head as well and their lips meet in a hesitant kiss, but it doesn't last long. "Ew." Joel makes a face and swings his feet off the bed. "Brush your teeth, asshole."

"Hey fuck you. You have the same problem, drool-face." Benji shoves Joel and then crawls out of bed and heads for the bathroom. He slams the door in Joel's face, cackling a little at his brother's irritated shouts from outside. "Snooze ya loose, Joel-boy."

He turns on the water and brushes his teeth quickly, and then strips down and hops in the shower. The cold water hits his skin and he shivers, but he's not about to use up all the hot water and make their mom pay for that on top of everything else. He can't help but think that maybe it'd be good if he and Joel showered together. To, well, save water. That's all it could be. Just conservation at its finest.

Benji resists the urge to touch himself, despite the fact that the thought is really, really nice. He washes himself and pulls his clothes on, still half-hard but managing to keep his mind off of it pretty well. "Joel? I'm done, where the hell are you?" He shoves their door open and stops dead in his tracks.

Joel is laying back on his bed, bathed in the sunshine, his pale, muscular legs emerging from green checkered boxer shorts, one bent at the knee. He's stretched out, a hint of tummy showing between the hem of his Rancid t-shirt and his boxers, and one arm is slung above his head. "Hey," he says, his eyes staying closed, soft lips moving in the sunlight. "Hope you don't mind I took a shower in the other bathroom while you did. I didn't use any hot water, though."

Benji drops his pajamas on the floor and closes the door behind him, not saying a word as he makes his way over to the bed. Joel opens his eyes but makes no other movement, staring up at Benji, almost challenging him to make a move. "You're gonna be late for school if you don't get dressed," Benji says softly.

"I'm thinking I don't want to go today," Joel replies. He licks his lips and then stretches, his body twisting on top of the covers, and Benji feels his mouth go dry as he watches the muscles in Joel's legs move lithely.

"Um." Benji clears his throat, his eyes sliding back up to Joel's face. "No?"

"Nuh uh." Joel smiles lazily. "You should stay home with me, Benj. Keep me company."

Benji feels his knees going weak and he sits down on the edge of the bed next to Joel, staring down at his brother. Brother. His fucking sexy as all fuck brother. Joel trails his fingertips slowly up Benji's arm and looks at him through half-lidded eyes. "I really had fun last night, you know," he whispers.

Benji licks his lips, watching Joel's eyes widen slightly as his tongue darts out of his mouth. "Me too." He bends over, then, resting his hands on either side of Joel as he presses their lips together. Joel's body lifts slightly, bending up to meet the kiss and they sigh together, both opening their mouths, tongues sliding together slowly. Joel moves his hand up, fingers tangling through Benji's hair slowly, combing through it as they kiss.

They've been kissing for a long time when Benji pulls back a little, moving his mouth down the curve of Joel's jaw. This is new, exciting territory, and they've got all the time in the world to explore it, but he feels like he wants it all now. He bites down on Joel's earlobe, eliciting a small yelp of surprise from his brother, and then he gathers his courage and slides his hand up Joel's shirt slowly. His skin is smooth and warm under Benji's fingers, and he can feel Joel's breath hitch a little.

Joel goes still, then, his breath catching ever so slightly, and Benji sits up, staring down at his brother. Joel smiles and then it turns into a smirk, and he shucks his shirt off quickly, leaving Benji with an eyeful of pale, perfect skin. He stands up, quickly straddling Joel on the bed and he runs his hands down Joel's chest slowly, pausing to rub and tease his nipples. Joel closes his eyes, wet lips parting to let little gasps escape when Benji touches him just so. Benji can't help but feel like he's got the upper hand. It's hardly a competition, but it still feels good.

Joel slides his hand up Benji's thigh slowly, his fingertips ghosting over the bulge in his pants, and Benji inhales sharply, his fingers curling against Joel's skin. Joel grins, slow and almost sinister, and he slowly unzips Benji's pants and slips his hand inside, rubbing his palm over Benji's cock through the fabric of his boxers.

Benji's throat is tight suddenly and he licks his lips, trying to stifle moans that threaten to slip out. He rolls his hips forward and Joel swallows, looking suddenly nervous, and Benji can't really blame him; this is weird and new. Neither of them is really dickaphobic - they know what it takes to get off, they've done it themselves plenty of times. It's mostly the thrill of someone else's dick, being able to bring someone else to the edge.

Joel flicks his eyes up to Benji's face and sees the look there, and then he quickly undoes Benji's pants the rest of the way and shoves them down, freeing his cock. He slides his eyes down slowly and cups it in his hand, getting used to the weight, the texture, the curve of someone else's cock, and then Benji bucks his hips slightly, impatient, and Joel snaps back and starts to stroke, squeezing the base and running his thumb over the tip. Benji groans and squeezes his eyes shut, rocking his hips in sync with Joel's ministrations.

It seems almost surreal, Joel thinks, watching Benji's face contort with each flick of Joel's wrist. His lips are parted, shiny where he licked them a moment ago, eyes closed tightly as he rocks forward towards Joel, towards his brother. Moans spill from Benji's lips softly, each one making Joel's boxers tighter and tighter. He slides his other hand up and cups Benji's balls, rolling them as he explores the length of Benji's cock, memorizing each ridge and bump.

Benji covers his mouth with his hand, his eyes rolling back as Joel's fingertips slide up under the crown of his cock, and he mumbles urgently against the warm skin, thrusting erratically. Joel's eyes widen slightly and they're moving quickly from Benji's cock to his face; he knows Benji's about to lose it.

"C'mon, Benj," he whispers, and Benji groans, a deep guttural sound as he comes. His face contorts, his hand falling from his mouth, and Joel feels his cock twitch at the sight. He wipes his hand on his boxers as Benji slumps backwards, a contented smile curling across his face.

"Damn, Joel," he whispers, reaching forward to cup his brother's face, "That was really good."

Joel grins and sits up, pulling Benji forward for a deep kiss, their tongues sliding together wetly between their mouths. Benji can feel Joel's erection between them, pressing slightly against his thigh, and he slides a hand down to brush over the fabric of Joel's boxers.

Joel breaks the kiss with a soft moan, moving his lips across Benji's jaw slowly. "Lay down," Benji says, pushing Joel's chest lightly, and Joel looks quizzical but does as he's told. Benji leans down, rubbing his lips across Joel's throat, down his chest, and he swallows thickly before latching onto a small nipple. Joel gasps and arches his back, his fingers threading into Benji's hair, and Benji thinks that this isn't too bad, actually. The noises Joel is making are totally worth it.

Benji sucks and nibbles and teases, with Joel arching up against him, gasping and moaning softly. Benji smiles and then starts to trail his lips down further, kissing between each rib, the hollow of Joel's stomach, dipping his tongue into his belly button for a moment and eliciting a gasp. When he reaches fabric Benji hesitates for a second, suddenly a little uncertain about this - he's never gone down on anyone before, guy or girl. But he's pretty sure that Joel's never had anyone go down on him either, so he can't mess up too badly. Right?

He slides Joel's boxers down slowly, watching as his cock is revealed. Joel's staring down at him, not moving, his eyes wide, and Benji smiles a little before he leans forward and presses his lips against the underside, rubbing them, closed, against the hot skin of Joel's cock. It's just skin, he figures, and parts his lips to slide his tongue out, licking slowly, experimentally.

Joel gasps and his fingers thread through Benji's hair tightly, his hips moving up against Benji's face. "Oh god," he whispers, and Benji takes that as a good sign and licks up to the head, sucking it into his mouth, wrinkling his nose a little at the taste. It's salty, tangy, not entirely pleasant, but he figures people do this all the time so it must just take getting used to. Joel is panting above him and Benji flicks his tongue across the tip, sliding across the slit quickly as he sucks more into his mouth. He presses the flat of his tongue against the underside, massaging as he bobs his head, careful to keep his teeth tucked under his lips.

"Fuck, fuck Benji, please..." Benji has no idea what Joel is begging for, so he keeps doing the same thing, swirling his tongue around, hollowing his cheeks and sucking deeply. Joel's fingers tighten his hair and he's bucking his hips up. "I'm gonna - Benj, I gotta -"

Benji pulls up quickly, pretty sure that he's not ready to swallow yet, and jerks Joel off fast and hard. It doesn't take long, Joel lets out a low, keening moan and comes, his body spasming underneath Benji. Before he's all the way done, Benji leans over and captures Joel's lips in a slow kiss, loving the way it feels as Joel rides out his orgasm beneath him.

After a moment they pull apart, foreheads resting together. "Joel, we should - " Benji starts, but Joel cuts him off with a shake of his head.

"No shoulds. Let's just have fun today, huh?" Joel rolls them over so that he's laying half on top of Benji. He's smiling brightly, lips kiss swollen and red, hair tousled, cheeks flushed, and Benji thinks it may be the best thing he's ever seen. He wraps his arms around Joel's waist and pulls him close for another kiss. Suddenly, he can't wait to see what his brother has in store for the day.

Collide Chapter 21

2005-05-26T17:20:59Z

Title: Collide chapter 21
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream. Now this is what it's like when worlds collide...
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story. You guys mean the world to me. *hugs the world* And many wonderful thanks to my marvelously excellent beta reader, zlobnaya!

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |

Joel's worried about Benji. He figures he has good reason to be; the guy's entire world just collapsed around him and he was left with nothing but a poor boyfriend in Brooklyn and his poor boyfriend's friends.

The last few days have been really hard, and he can tell that Benji is trying - at least to some extent - to make the most of things, but it's not working. He hates his clothes and the food Joel has in the fridge. He doesn't like how small the apartment is or dealing with laundry or dishes. He's not used to actually having to do the things associated with living that normal people have to do.

Joel knows that if this is going to last, Benji will have to get a job soon. However, there's a sinking suspicion in the back of his mind that Benji won't last long here. It's hard on the streets; it's hard times in Brooklyn. Joel suspects that Benji will try and go home soon. He doesn't think it's a really good idea, but it'll most likely happen.

A few days after Benji "moved in," Joel comes home with a plan. He kisses Benji as he walks in the door and glances around. "Wanna go get dinner?" he asks, and Benji cocks his head to the side.

"Um, I guess? Are you sure, though?"

Joel smiles and cups Benji's chin lightly. "Yeah, I'm sure. I wanna take my brother to get some real food in him, and I want to take my boyfriend on a date." He kisses Benji once more and steps aside, waiting as Benji gets ready. There's not much to do, just put his hair up and grab a clean shirt, and they're back on the street again quickly enough.

"Where're we going?" Benji asks, and Joel shrugs.

"I know of a really good Greek place, if you want. It's a few blocks up but it's worth a little extra walk."

Benji smiles and nods, and they walk down the street in silence, exchanging a few comments here and there. Joel watches the way Benji avoids touching things and sighs to himself, knowing that it's probably nothing, but he's still worried.

The restaurant really is a ways down the street, and Benji seems a little bit cranky when they get there. Joel guesses he's not used to walking to get everywhere and he's probably still pretty torn up over everything that happened. They get seated and Benji glances over the menu before folding his hands on the table in front of him.

"So, any reason in particular you wanted to take me out?"

Joel sighs a little and shrugs. "I dunno, I'm just worried about you." He reaches over and starts to play with Benji's fingertips idly. "I know you're not really happy with anything that's going on, and I thought maybe it'd be nice to get out, just the two of us. Out of the apartment and out of that little neighborhood and stuff."

"I'm sorry," Benji says softly. "I hate to be all emotional and boring and everything, I just don't know what to do, it's all so overwhelming and -"

"Hey," Joel cuts him off softly. "Benji, I understand. Maybe more than you know, I get it." He glances to the side and lifts Benji's hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles lightly. "Don't say sorry for anything."

Benji curls his fingers a little, pulling Joel's hand in closer. "Thanks, Joel."

"Ain't no thang, baby," Joel says with a grin, and then the waiter starts towards them and he untangles their hands, taking a second glance at the menu. They order drinks and an appetizer, and soon enough they've got plates full of delicious Greek food in front of them. Benji starts to eat quickly, munching on bread and his kabob.

"Man, I remember," he says suddenly, coming up for air, "When I was little, I used to just eat and eat. Like I could never get full." He takes a big gulp of water. "And then when I was like fourteen or something, I realized that it wasn't really that I was hungry. It was that I thought I was hungry."

Joel cocks his head to the side, smiling a little. "And I remember always being hungry, like honestly not having enough to eat. But then sometimes it would just go away, like I'd just had a big meal or something. It never lasted long but it was always nice when that happened, just sort of my mind telling me not to worry about food or something."

Benji blinks and licks his lips. "Weird." He chews thoughtfully for a moment. "Hey did... like around that time, were you in a lot of fights?"

"Yeah." Joel nods, looking vaguely freaked out. "Why?"

"I used to have dreams about fights." Benji licks his lips. "Like really horrible ones, where I was outnumbered and beaten to a pulp almost. In one of them I went to the hospital, and in another I got arrested."

Joel squirms in his chair and nods. "Yeah." He leans forward and pulls his hair up behind his left ear, revealing a long, thin scar running up into his hairline. "I got that the time I went to the hospital. Twenty-two stitches." He bites his lip. He remembers dreams as well; not so vivid but still strong enough to have stayed with him. He never could remember specific details; it was more just a sense of security, of comfort.

"That's so... I don't know. Weird in a way, I guess." Benji's smiling to himself, though, and Joel can't help but smile too. "That we've always had this."

"Yeah. I like it."

"Me too."

They grin at each other over the table and finish eating quickly, both of them thinking the same thing. Joel covers the check on the way out and they walk back to the apartment in comfortable silence. This walk seems much less weighty than the way there; Benji's radiating more excitement, curiosity, almost happiness, and it's making Joel giddy.

They reach the apartment and as soon as the door closes Benji pulls Joel into a slow kiss. They tumble down onto the mattress together, Benji resting slightly on top of Joel as they continue to kiss. They explore each other's mouths slowly, Benji's tongue ring clicking against their teeth every once in awhile. Benji runs one hand down Joel's side and then slips it up beneath his shirt, teasing the warm skin there.

Joel thinks the temperature must be rising or something; he's already feeling flushed, and he pulls Benji on top of him, tugging his shirt off as he does before Benji dips back down for more kissing. They move together fluidly, bodies rolling against each other in a slow, easy rhythm, and Joel's pants are fast becoming too tight. He groans against Benji's lips and arches up, running his hands down Benji's back until he has two handfuls of perfect ass.

Benji sits up and smiles down at him, brushing Joel's hair out of his eyes before he scoots backwards quickly and tugs Joel's pants off. Joel is a little startled by the action, but he spreads his legs for Benji to settle between while shedding his shirt. Benji runs his hands up the inside of Joel's thighs, staring down at him, and Joel squirms a bit under the scrutiny. It's not like they don't have each other's bodies memorized at this point.

There's silence for a moment and then Benji whispers something inaudible and dips his head, gripping Joel's cock in one hand and lapping at the tip. Joel groans softly and lets his head fall back onto his pillow, his fingers cupping Benji's face as his lover dips down further, taking more into his mouth. "Mmm, Benji..." Joel groans and tries not to buck his hips too much. "You're so fucking good with your mouth, baby, I love it." Benji makes a little sound in the back of his throat and the vibrations turn Joel on about seven hundred times more.

Benji takes all of Joel's cock, swallowing reflexively before he pulls up again, and repeats the action a few more times before letting Joel slip from his mouth. He starts to kiss his way up Joel's body slowly, pausing to nip at his nipples on the way, until he's finally at Joel's mouth. Their lips meet, tongues sliding out to tangle together between them. Joel rolls them over, sitting up to pull Benji's pants off, and he leans over again, pulling Benji into a deep kiss as he runs his hands up and down the beautiful body beneath him.

They kiss for a long time, naked bodies sliding together, until Benji finally wiggles impatiently and Joel chuckles. He reaches for the lube in the bedside table, sitting up to drip some onto his fingers before sliding them down, teasing Benji's hole lightly. Benji wiggles again and Joel slips one finger inside, twisting it a few times until Benji relaxes and he can add a second and finally a third.

"Joel..." Benji moans and his eyes slide shut. "Joel, please." His fingers are curling against Joel's muscular arms, and Joel pulls his hand away, slicking his cock up quickly before he guides Benji's legs around his waist and lines himself up. He bends over, tracing the curve of Benji's face with his hand and he watches the way Benji's mouth drops open when he pushes inside. He begins to move, slowly at first but he picks up the pace soon enough, his movements countered by Benji pushing up against him with each thrust. He closes the distance between them, capturing Benji's lips in a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, neither of them paying much attention as they move together.

Joel feels his mind clearing as he nears completion, and he suspects that Benji's finally forgotten, at least for a moment, about all the shit going on. He angles himself carefully, making sure to hit Benji's prostate with every movement. Benji comes with a sharp gasp and a cry, pressing his mouth against Joel's urgently as his warm come spurts between them.

Several more thrusts and Joel follows suit, the spasming of Benji's body around him drawing his orgasm out. He pulls Benji tight against him as he comes, his body shaking against his lover's, and as he comes down he kisses Benji deeply, rolling them over, his softening cock slipping from Benji's body. "I love you," he whispers against Benji's lips, and Benji smiles at him, his eyes heavy-lidded and sleepy.

"I love you too, Joel."

*

The Main Street Bar isn't very crowded when they go in. It's just the crew and a few other locals, hanging out and shooting pool. Benji walks in just a step behind Joel, a little uncertain now that they're here; he's starting to regret agreeing to this. He still remembers the last time he hung out with Joel's friends. It didn't go too well.

Joel is greeted happily with pats on the back and handshakes. Everyone seems to remember Benji, surprisingly, though he can't help but feel somewhat uncomfortable; every person he nods to seems to be smirking in his direction and he's pretty sure there's no one behind him.

"Well hello," a voice beside him pipes up, and as Benji turns to see who it is, an arm drapes over his shoulders and he's met by Zack's smirking face. "And how's Dolla Billz this evening? Gettin' ready to toss around some money, college boy?"

Benji balks and shakes himself free, his lip curling into a little sneer. "Not in your direction, Junior G Unit."

Zack opens his mouth to reply when Joel elbows his way between them, handing Benji a drink and shaking Zack's hand. "I see you two remember each other. No introductions needed, huh?" He raises an eyebrow and turns to Benji. "Have you seen Gui yet?"

"No." Benji takes a deep drink of his beer and glares at Zack around Joel's shoulder. "But maybe your buddy Zack's seen him."

Zack glares back and then shakes his head slowly. "He's not here yet, Joel. Haven't seen him."

Trish and Lila come to the rescue then, swarming up on Joel like little den mothers. "Joel, sweetheart, how are you? You look great, baby." They kiss his cheeks and when she sees him, Lila rushes over to Benji.

"Long time no see, baby!" She snaps her gum and leans over to give him a big kiss on the cheek. "How you been? I heard things are lookin' kind of down for you, huh?"

He nods, a little taken aback by her forwardness and he's wondering how she heard all this. But he has been staying with Joel for a week and a half now; he figures word probably spreads fast in this little circle. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm staying with Joel for now, we'll see how everything goes."

"Mmhmm." She nods knowingly. "Day by day, baby, day by day." She winks and sips her drink. "If you're anything like your friends Joel and Gui, you'll come up on top, though."

Zack coughs loudly at that and she turns a withering glare on him. "Don't be a dick, Zack, Jesus. The kid's been through a lot."

"Oh really?" Zack curls his lip. "Cry me a river, rich boy; tell me all your little fucking problems."

"Hey, look, if you really want to start some shit," Benji says, suddenly very defensive and pretty pissed off. Joel grabs his shoulder and hauls him towards the bar before he can say any more, though, sitting him down on a bar stool next to Fat Eddy and Winky, and then he heads back through the bar. Benji finishes his drink without a sideways glance and the bartender places one more in front of him, which he swallows in about four gulps.

"Hey, you'd better slow down there, kid," Fat Eddy supplies, and Benji shakes his head, spinning the bottle on the bar.

"Naw. It's been awhile, you know? Plus I'll probably have to sort some shit out in awhile and I'm pretty sure I'll get my ass beat, and I'd rather be drunk for that. You know. So maybe there's a chance I could have won, but I was just way too drunk when it happened?"

Fat Eddy blinks and Winky leans over, shaking his head. "No, no worries, man. Zack's a little bitch, you just gotta ignore him. I don't really think he likes anyone much; hell, we've all gone to blows with him at some point or another. But he can be cool. Just give it time."

Benji nods and starts on a third beer, taking this one a little more slowly this time. "So," Eddy says after a minute. "You're staying with Joel, huh? What happened?"

Benji shrugs and tips his beer up. If he's going to be having this conversation all night, he's going to be drunk for it. "I had a difference of opinions with my father, and it was decided that the best course of action would be for me to leave immediately."

"Yeah?" Winky raises an eyebrow. "So he kicked your ass out, huh? Must'a been some kind'a 'difference of opinions' man."

Benji sighs and shrugs. "I guess. I don't want to do what he wants me to do with my life." He motions around the bar, pushing a lime into his fourth beer. "But you know, whatever. Gotta roll with the punches, yeah?"

Eddy slaps him on the back with a chuckle. "That's the spirit, kid! Keep it real, that's all you got most of the time."

Eddy and Winky stand up then and head over to Lila and Trish, leaving Benji alone at the bar. He rests his chin on his hand and stares into the mirror behind the bar, watching everyone behind him in reverse. Gui's finally showed up and he's telling Joel a story with his hands everywhere, while Albert and Frogs laugh behind him. Lila and Eddy are slow dancing to a metal song, and Trish and Winky are cheering them on from a table beside them. Zack has a trashy blond girl on his arm now, and he's telling her some deep dark secret, whispering in her ear, and she's fake laughing. Benji's seen that laugh done a million times or so, though he's pretty sure Zack's seen it even more. Sucker.

He sighs; watching all of these people in their element is just making it more obvious how much he really doesn't fit in here. He doesn't know how to talk to them, or listen to them, or relate to them in any way, except that he's having sex with one of them, but can't tell anyone because they're brothers. He's fucking the guy who deposited him here, at the bar, out of the way and out of trouble.

Zack is starting towards him and Benji turns around and hops off his barstool, quickly walking past so as to avoid any more confrontation. He'd like to think that he doesn't want Zack to look like a jackass in front of his girl, but really he's just tired. He wants to go home. He's finally decided, after a week and a half of moping around and being completely miserable. He wants to go home.

There's a pay phone outside, and Benji searches his pocket for quarters, depositing four before he remembers that it's only fifty cents. Another reason he shouldn't be here - he can't fucking live on his own out here. The phone itself is probably filthy, he thinks, covered in germs and vomit and god knows what else. He tries to keep it away from his head as much as possible as he punches in the number from memory and waits patiently as it rings. Please, please pick up. Please be there, please don't be angry or anything.

"Hello?"

Benji's mind floods with relief. "Hi, mom?"

"Benjamin!" His mother sounds so excited, and Benji smiles against the receiver. "God, I've been so worried!"

"It's okay, mom. I was just... I dunno. Thinking of you."

"Oh, Benji, you need to come home. You need to apologize to your father and just come home, I miss you."

Benji blinks and pulls the receiver away from his ear, staring at it blankly. He needs to apologize? He needs to go crawling back? Did his mom not get the memo? His dad's the asshole here. Dad's the one who should be apologizing.

"I uh. I can't do that, mom."

"Benji, that's ridiculous. You need to be here where I know you're alright, okay?"

"Mom, no." Benji closes his eyes tightly and shakes his head. He knows now, he really honestly knows. "Mom, I can't. I have to stay here where I am. Okay? But I wanted you to know that I love you and that I'm okay, I'm doing okay, and I'll be okay and I have to go now. But you know."

"Benji, sweetheart, wait! Do you need anything? Please just talk to me; we can work something out, Benji."

Benji sniffs and shakes his head, smiling a little. "No mom, I really do need to go. But I love you. Bye mama."

He can hear her begging him to stay on the phone as he hangs it up, and the final click is like the last shred of hope disappearing. He'll never go back. He'll never be able to go back on his terms, and do what he wants. He'll never feel loved there, not like he does now with Joel.

The alcohol is finally hitting him, and pretty hard at that. He leans forward and rests his head against the cool metal pay phone box, his eyes closed tightly. He's trying to think through it - he just told his mom he wasn't coming back. She just told him that he was to blame. He sighs and leans back, way back, looking up at the sky beyond the buildings, wondering for a second if there really are stars up there or if he's completely alone in his little world.

A voice startles him and he turns around quickly. "Benj?"

"Oh, hi."

"What are you doing?" Joel steps forward, his head cocked to the side quizzically.

"I dunno. Just thinkin' about stuff." Benji smiles suddenly, glancing around quickly before stepping forward and giving Joel a quick hug.

Joel hugs him back and drops his hands when Benji steps away. "Figure anything out?"

"Yeah." Benji smiles, a real, genuine smile. "Yeah I did, actually." He starts towards the door, stepping in before Joel this time. He feels somewhat liberated, like he's finally got closure. He's finally made a concrete decision here, and it's a good one. It should be a good one.

He shakes his head when the bartender offers him another drink; instead he walks over to Joel and Gui and jumps into their conversation. Joel looks pleased, like he was hoping Benji would come out of his shell tonight and that makes Benji feel better. Winky and Pinoch walk up a while later and ask him to join them in a game of pool and he accepts. Pool wasn't ever something he excelled in, but he holds his own pretty well throughout the night.

Somehow he manages to avoid confrontation with Zack, too, probably because he's busy actually talking to Joel's friends. He's heard an insane number of stories now, each better than the last and by the time he and Joel stumble out together Benji is feeling pretty good all around. He's where he needs to be, he really is, and now that he knows that, he can really start to do something about it.

Collide chapter 20

2005-05-19T06:11:06Z

Title: Collide chapter 20
Chapter rating: R
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story. You guys mean the world to me. *hugs the world* And many wonderful thanks to my marvelously excellent beta reader, zlobnaya!

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Joel wakes up with Benji drooling on his chest and a horrible case of morning-wood. A really, really bad one. He lifts one hand slowly, not really sure if waking Benji up for this is a good idea or not, considering the shit he's been through the past couple of days. He's almost completely untangled himself when Benji groans and opens one eye. "Morning," he mumbles, his breath ghosting over Joel's neck, and Joel shivers visibly.

"Uh, morning. I'm just gonna go take a shower real quick before work, you sleep more, okay?" He sits up quickly and reaches forward for a clean shirt folded up near the nightstand when Benji sits up behind him and snakes one arm around his waist.

"You're in a hurry. Did you oversleep?"

"No." Joel swallows thickly. "Actually, my alarm won't go off for half an hour. I'm just. You know. Awake."

"Mmm." Benji starts to press tiny kisses along the back of Joel's neck and shoulders and he pauses to rest his chin on Joel's shoulder. "Well then why don't you just lay here for half an hour?"

Joel swallows again and shrugs. "Um. I just, you know, I thought maybe -"

Benji cuts him off with a soft "Oh." Joel glances to the side and follows Benji's eyes and yeah. The tent in his boxers is painfully obvious now. "You wanted to go relieve a little tension." Benji's hand moves from Joel's hip down across his lap, his fingers ghosting lightly over the fabric and Joel's cock beneath.

Joel sucks in a sharp breath and nods curtly. "I didn't wanna bother you." Benji nods and slides his hand down the inside of Joel's thigh ever so slowly; his fingertips trailing down the soft skin and back up again, slipping up beneath Joel's boxers.

"Who said this is a bother?" Benji whispers, sucking Joel's earlobe into his mouth, and he finally moves his hand up and slides it down inside of Joel's boxers, wrapping his hand around Joel's cock and stroking firmly. Joel groans and leans his head back, pushing his boxers out of the way as his head hits Benji's shoulder.

"Fuck, Benj..." He slides his eyes shut and Benji flicks his tongue across Joel's neck, his thumb sliding up over the slit of Joel's cock expertly. Joel is already so turned on and he can feel his orgasm curling through his stomach. Benji slides his other hand down, curling his fingers up beneath Joel's balls and rolling them as he strokes and Joel bites his lip hard and comes.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Benji asks against Joel's shoulder, smiling.

Joel turns in his arms and kisses him gently. "Thanks."

"Mmmm. You're welcome." Benji kisses Joel back and then pulls him down onto the bed again, rolling them so that he's straddling Joel's hips. "Wanna pay me back, now?"

Joel grins.

*

Benji stays in bed for another hour after Joel leaves for work, trying to sleep and failing miserably. He can't help but think about everything, and it's driving him nuts. He'd get out and do something if he had a car and knew of anything to do in Brooklyn. Unfortunately, though, his options are pretty limited.

A key in the door makes him sit up, the blankets pooling around his middle, and he furrows his brow when Gui's face appears around the corner.

"Benhameen! Joo still asleep, man? Is like, middle of the day."

"Eh." Benji combs his fingers though his hair and shrugs. "Joel's gone to work already."

"Yeah I know. He called me on de way over there, said maybe you'd need some company today. It's my day off, why the hell not keep ol' Benhameen company, eh?"

Benji blinks and glances around. "So what are we gonna do? You sound like you have plans and stuff already."

"Well, Joel told me your situation is kinda rocky lately. Said joo were stayin' with him 'till shit gets straightened out. I figured we could, I dunno, go shopping or something, whatever you wanna do. But get you some clothes at least, I don't think Joel's shit will fit you, man."

Benji nodded slowly. He was going to need some stuff of his own here pretty soon; he really can't stand the idea of mooching off of Joel's limited resources that much. "Okay, yeah. Let's do that." He stands up, the blankets falling to his feet, and reaches for his pants. He realizes, as he pulls them on, that this is the third day in a row that he's wearing them, and he's really, really disgusted. "I need pants. Like, now."

Gui looks Benji up and down and then raises an eyebrow. "Those ones ain't even stained, man; joo could get another week out of 'em easy."

"No. No, I couldn't."

Gui laughs and tosses a shirt at Benji, who pulls it on with a little smile of his own. "What a priss, man. Just get dressed and le's get out of here, yeah?"

They leave the apartment soon after, Benji trailing a little behind Gui when they reach the street. "You got any change, man?" Gui asks and Benji shakes his head.

"I've only got bills."

"Okay, well. Joo can borrow some from me but I wan' it back sooner or later, okay?"

"What do we need change for?"

Gui stops next to a bus stop sign and grins widely. "De bus man, how you think we gonna get anywhere?"

Benji's eyes widen and he looks around helplessly. "I don't... there's no other way? We can't call a cab or something?"

"Fuck no," Gui spits out. "I ain't payin' for dat shit. It's de bus or nothin', man, take your pick."

"Okay, okay. We'll... we'll take the bus."

"Dat's right we will." Gui nods once and sits down on the small bench provided. "So you got any money, or you fucked that way too?"

"I have... I dunno, a couple hundred dollars that a friend spotted me. That's about it."

Gui nods. "How 'bout dat watch? Those real diamonds in dere?"

Benji looks at his watch and back at Gui, dreading the answer to the question he's about to ask. "Yes. Why?"

"Joo could get some pretty good cash for dat, then. A real Rolex? Pretty hot 'round these parts, man."

"What?" Benji stares at Gui, mortified. "I can't sell this! It was a gift!"

"Well it's the gift that keeps on givin' den, huh?" Gui stands up as the bus approaches and waves Benji on after he's paid the fare for both of them. "Seriously, Benhameen. You need de money right about now."

"But..." Benji stares forlornly at his watch. It really doesn't have much sentimental value, beyond being, well. A real, diamond encrusted Rolex. "I guess."

"Good man!" Gui slaps him on the back and settles back into his seat, his knees resting up against the seat in front of him.

The bus is really disgusting, at least in Benji's opinion - the floor is sticky under his shoes, there's a baby crying in the back, and a truly foul odor is wafting up to him from god knows where. He covers his mouth and nose with the sleeve of his shirt and glances at Gui. "How long do we have to ride this thing for?"

"'Bout fifteen minutes or so," Gui replies, apparently having no problem whatsoever with the horrible conditions he's subjected himself to. "I know a real good pawn shop we can hit up."

"Pawn shop?" Benji asks, still staring blankly at his watch. "Don't they rip you off there?"

"Yep." Gui's toothy grin softens some when he sees the forlorn look on Benji's face. "But hey, joo know; maybe joo get all dis shit figured out joo go back and get it? Not a lot of people gone be able to buy one of dose round here, not for a long time."

Benji nods. "Okay," he says softly, staring out the window. They ride in silence until Gui presses the call strip and hustles Benji to his feet.

"Come on, man, is a couple blocks up." Gui leads him down the street, turning into a shop simply labeled "Pawn." It's dimly lit and the bars on the windows cast an ominous shadow across the floor.

"Ay Gui, whatchoo doin' here?" a greasy man behind a counter asks. He's smoking a cigarette and Benji idly wonders how many health codes are being violated here.

"Bobby, man, I got a watch you need'a check out. Here, Benhameen, show de man your watch."

Benji takes a hesitant step forward, pulling up his sleeve to reveal his Rolex. The man chews on his cigarette and sneers. "I'm supposed to see it from there?" He extends a meaty hand in Benji's direction. "Hand it over, kid."

Benji swallows thickly and unclasps it, dropping it into the guy's hand. He turns it over with yellowed fingertips and Benji winces, averting his gaze a little. "Where'd you steal thus from, kid?"

"What?" Benji turns back. "I didn't steal it!"

"Right." Bobby spits on the floor and smacks the watch on the counter top, making Benji wince again. "I'll give you two-fifty for it, Gui."

"Two-fifty?" Gui says, and Benji feels his eyes about to pop out of his head. Two-fifty? For a real Rolex? Maybe if he pretends to have a heart attack they'll let him keep his watch, he thinks. Maybe he's still on his parent's insurance and they'll take him back when they come to the hospital and see him connected to tubes. Maybe this is all just a very bad dream. He snaps out of his daydream and listens to Gui haggle.

"C'mon, Bobby. Real diamonds, man, dat's worth at least six. I mean what, these tings retail at what, over a grand, yeah?"

"Well over a grand, yes." Benji replies, stepping forward a bit, hoping that this may help in some way.

The guy chuckles, "What are you, new? Gui, explain this kid grand larceny, okay?"

Gui glances back at Benji, who is trying hard not to figure out what they're talking about, and is failing miserably. "Look, Bobby. De kid's got a real, jeweled up Rolex here. I could take dis shit anywhere you know? I'm tryin' to help joo out here, man."

"You're full of shit, Gui. Three."

"Three? What do you want, put me on de street? I got sisters to feed, man, dis guy's got rent to pay! C'mon, five at least."

Bobby shakes his head, slapping the countertop. "No way."

Gui sighs and sucks on his teeth for a second before conceding. "Four, man, final offer. We drop it for four, joo get de goods, we get out of your hair, yes?"

Bobby grins and shrugs. "Alright, four. Got yourself a deal." Bobby scoops the watch up and turns around, unlocking a door behind him and disappearing through it. He comes back a few minutes later and quickly counts out four hundred dollars in a variety of bills.

"Nice doin' business with you," Gui says with a grin, folding the money into a wad and stuffing it into his pocket.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks," Benji mumbles, following Gui out the door, anxious to get away from that shop.

"So," Gui says, passing the money to Benji discreetly when they reach the street. "Clothes now?"

"Yeah, okay." Benji rubs his naked wrist, missing the familiar weight of his watch already.

"Target's down de way," Gui says, starting down the street. "And I know a Salvation Army store we can hit up, too."

Benji doest even respond to that. He shoves his hands deep into his pockets and trudges along beside Gui, staring at the street in front of him. This day started out okay, with the sex and the showering and waking up next to the man he loves. Unfortunately, it's really going downhill very quickly and Benji isn't sure he likes this at all. That faked heart attack is starting to sound better and better, especially as they walk through the doors of Target.

"See man, dey got everyt'ing in here. Pants and shirts and food and like, movies and shit. Everything." Gui starts to meander in through the men's clothes, picking at shirt sleeves. Benji trails behind him, staring at the racks of generic clothing and balking. Gui turns around with a red shirt and presses it up against Benji, then shakes his head. "Naw, dat's too expensive. This place has gone up, man, I remember back when I could do all my clothes shopping here and no worries."

Benji glances at the price tag on the shirt that Gui replaced. Fourteen dollars. Fourteen dollars is too expensive. He makes the decision right then that this is the absolute last place they are going. First and last. Only. "Right, well, since I need clothes pretty badly and I need clothes that will last me awhile how about we just go ahead and pay the um. The little extra, huh?"

He bites his tongue and grabs a pair of jeans that are one size larger than what he's used to. "I'm just gonna go try these on." He hurries back towards the dressing room, ignoring Gui's hollering at him to wait 'till he has more clothes to try on.

The woman working the counter hands him a key and he hurries into a little stall at the very end of the dressing room, closing the door and collapsing back against the wall. He curls up on the floor, the horrible, cheap jeans folded in his lap, and he tries to catch his breath, wondering how on earth he ended up in a dressing room of a Target in Brooklyn, clutching a pair of twelve dollar jeans to his chest as if his life depends upon them.

He can hear Gui talking to the woman outside a moment later and he sighs heavily. He loves Gui, really. Gui is funny and interesting and entertaining as hell. But this just could not happen again. He pulls himself together somewhat and manages to try on the jeans without anything too terrible happening. They don't breathe at all and are rough on his skin but they hang pretty well and he supposes that's good enough for now.

"Okay, thank you," he says, handing the key back to the woman with a charming grin on his way out. Smiling like he belongs in a Target. She blinks and smiles back, looking surprised to see such a difference.

"Will you be taking those with you, sir?" she asks sweetly, and Benji nods, keeping his most sincere smile plastered across his face.

"I sure will, thanks." He heads back over to the jeans and grabs a second pair of the same, and a pair of black slacks in the same size. Gui is standing over by some t-shirts and Benji walks over, smiling a little. "They fit."

"Good, good." Gui hands him a blue and white jersey with "Brooklyn" across the front in blocky white letters. "You should get one of these, now that you're livin' here, man. Represent."

Benji forces a smile and takes the jersey, adding it to his pile of pants. They wander around a little longer, arguing over fashion and colors and seasonal trends and prices until finally Benji just says to hell with it and stomps towards a register. Gui scampers after him, tossing one last t-shirt into the mix before Benji can argue and he doesn't really have the energy to anyway.

"Joo still wanna hit up Salvation Army?" Gui asks hopefully, but Benji shakes his head.

"No. That was too much for one day, I think. I should... I need to go take a nap or maybe some reality-altering drugs. You know." He catches the disappointed look on Gui's face and shrugs. "Maybe in a couple days, after I'm sure these work out?"

"Okay. Sounds good, man."

They wait for the bus and the ride back to Joel's is relatively quiet. Gui explains a little about how the bus system works, and he promises to help Benji out as much as he can, finding his way around when he needs it.

When they get back, Gui pops in a movie, The Price of Glory. It's something about boxing, and Benji watches half-heartedly. Apparently it's Joel and Gui's favorite movie; he feels like he should at least be able to recognize references to it if it comes up in conversation or something. That's a good boyfriend thing to do, right?

Benji falls asleep toward the end of the movie, worn out from the last few days and when he wakes up, Gui is gone. He moves to the armchair and sits, lost in thought, until Joel comes home.

Collide chapter 19

2005-05-01T23:57:20Z

Title: Collide chapter 19
Chapter rating: PG-13
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: Yay for zlobnaya for the rocking the beta hizzie. And yay for all of you who look forward to this. I love you guys. :D

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |

Benji hits the street and starts for his car, but remembers that his keys are in his backpack, which is still upstairs. He curses under his breath and turns around, stalking down the street. It's almost midnight; there aren't really many other people out but him.

He runs through the argument in his head as he walks, thinking of all the retorts he could have used. He's still fuming when he gets to Tim's place. He nods curtly at the doorman, who remembers him from all the other late nights he's been over, and when he gets to the door he pounds on it angrily.

His friend opens the door, surprise lighting his features when he sees who it is. "Benji? What the fuck, man, it's like midnight."

"Can I come in or what?" Benji asks shortly. Tim raises an eyebrow and steps aside. "Yeah, sure."

Benji moves through the apartment to Tim's room, waiting for his friend before closing the door. "Can I stay here tonight?" he asks, and Tim blinks.

"Yeah, I guess. Benji, what the hell is going on?"

"I had a fight with my dad." Benji starts pacing back and forth through the room. "I don't think I can really go back."

"Of course you can go back." Tim sits down on the edge of his bed and stares up at Benji. "Don't be stupid, what are you gonna do?"

Benji shrugs helplessly. "I don't know." He flops back on the bed next to Tim, staring up at the ceiling. "Can I chill here for a couple days? Until I know what's up?"

Tim's frowning a little, but he nods. "Yeah, of course."

"Thanks." Benji lies still for a minute and then rolls over onto his side. "Do you still have Snatch?"

Tim grins hugely and nods. "Yeah. Wanna watch?"

"Yeah." They troop out to the living room and sprawl out in front of Tim's very large television. Benji turns up the volume and tries to focus on the movie, on the violence and the extreme niceness that is Brad Pitt bare knuckle boxing. Anything to keep him from thinking about the fight he's just had.

He ends up falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the movie. He doesn't dream that night.

*

Joel wakes up with a weird stomach ache. It's not quite queasy, he doesn't think he'll throw up; it's more anxious. He looks around his apartment; everything seems to be in order. Probably just nerves, he'll be leaving for Los Angeles in a month and he realizes that he needs to start getting ready. He'll have to pay all of his bills in advance for that time, get packed. Probably buy new clothes.

It's a huge change, he knows. He'll say goodbye to his friends and Benji, to all of the things he's used to. Things will be different when he comes back, too. It's only a month, yeah, but people change in a month. Places change. He'll change.

He rolls over and digs through his pants pocket for his phone, hitting the speed dial for Benji. He's met by a message, "The number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected..."

"What the hell?" He looks at the number, triple checks it, and tries again. The same message, and now he's a little more than just anxious. Benji left in a good mood the night before, he didn't mention anything about changing his number. Zack's words come back to him She slummed man, she needed to be able to say she'd been real dirty once. That's all I was to her, man, and that's all you are to him but he shakes the thought. That's not it. They said the words, they said I love you, and Joel felt that Benji meant it. He knew that Benji had meant it.

That means that something else is wrong, though. Joel bites his lip, wishing that he knew another number to get a hold of Benji at. He wishes that he could go to work today, keep his mind off of it. Suddenly every possible thing that could be wrong is in his head.

He tries to shake the feeling in his stomach and dials Gui's number. If anything can keep his mind off of things until he hears more, it's Gui.

*

"Hey dude, wake up." Benji groans and pulls the blanket up tight around his head.

"What? Why? Fuck you."

"No, c'mon man, I'm hungry. Let's go get food."

Benji grumbles but sits up, rubbing his eyes tiredly. The morning sun is shining in through a crack in the blinds and he squints into it, trying to adjust to being awake. He's a little grateful for Joel right now; sleeping over on his little mattress has given Benji a new appreciation for sleeping on a couch.

He stretches and stands up. "Hey, let me borrow some clothes, man?"

Tim nods and they head into his room. Benji grabs a black t-shirt but opts to keep his pants on. They fit him better than anything Tim owns, and he still feels a little weird borrowing another dude's pants. It's just not really sanitary or something.

The two head down the street afterwards, making their way to a classy little diner. The employees remember them; they used to come in all the time to study or recover from hangovers. They seat themselves in a corner and order coffee, looking over the menus quietly.

"So, Benj. What did you guys fight over that got you kicked out?"

Benji stirs some sugar into his coffee. "I don't wanna work at the bank this summer and he got all offended. Like I was saying that to spite him or something."

"You don't want to work at the bank?" Tim blinks and cocks his head to the side. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

Benji shrugs. "I dunno. It just doesn't feel like my thing any more. Like I've been thinking and stuff and I just really don't think I want to be an investment banker when I grow up."

"So what are you gonna do, then?"

"I don't know," Benji replies sullenly. He feels like he's having the same conversation he just had the night before. "I'll think of something, I can't just fuck around all summer. But I really, really want to do something different."

Tim frowns and starts to reply when the waiter appears, asking for their orders. They each tell him what they want, handing the menus over, and then sit quietly for a few minutes. Their food arrives and they make small talk for the rest of the meal, just going on about school and the people they know. Benji asks about Aaron and Tim hasn't heard from him since they fought.

They finish up and get their checks, but when they get to the front, Benji's card is declined. He blinks and has them try it again, and it still comes up as inactive. "Let me get it dude," Tim says, and Benji looks at his card, perplexed.

"Can we hit the ATM?" Benji asks as they leave and Tim nods. They cross the street to the bank and Benji inserts the card. The machine beeps twice and then the screen flashes. "For information on this account, please call the customer service line."

Benji blinks and hits the return card button. Nothing happens. He punches it again and again, and nothing happens. His card stays in the machine, and Benji punches it hard. "Goddamn it!" He pulls his phone out angrily and starts pushing buttons before realizing that the screen on his phone says "No service."

"Fuck!" Tim's looking at Benji quizzically. "This fucking shit is all turned off. I can't believe he'd fuck me like this!" Benji kicks the ATM angrily and storms up the street a few feet. He's staring angrily at an oil slick in the gutter when Tim taps him on the shoulder.

"Here dude." Tim hands him a wad of bills, but Benji just stares at him.

"What the fuck is that?"

"It's money, asshole." Tim shoves it against Benji's chest. "You're probably gonna need it 'till you get this shit figured out. Buy yourself some clothes and stuff."

Benji blinks and then takes the money slowly, folding it over and stuffing it into his pocket. "Thanks," he says quietly.

Tim shrugs. "It's cool; I know you're good for it. And it's not like it's a huge chunk of change, man. But hey," he glances at his watch, "I gotta head to the gym, I have a tennis match. You can crash with me until you make up with your dad."

Benji nods slowly. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it." He holds out his hand and Tim shakes it, smiling.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it. Glad I could help you out."

They say their goodbyes and Tim starts down the street towards his apartment, hands in his jacket pocket. Benji stands still, not sure what to do with himself now. He really doesn't want to go back to Tim's - no matter what happens, his parents will find out where he is, what he's doing, what he's planning on doing, and none of that is something he wants. Tim's a good guy, but he'd spill in a heartbeat if he thought it'd help him out, and getting in good with Benji's father would help him out a lot.

He starts walking in the opposite direction Tim went, dodging people without really paying attention. Several blocks later, someone grabs his arm and he spins around, coming up face to face with Mandy. "Benji!" she says excitedly.

"Oh, hey Mandy. What's up?"

"Just shopping, baby. Finals are over; I've got to make sure I'm looking good for the summer. You know."

"Uh huh." Benji just nods, his hands deep in his pockets.

"What's up, Benj? You look a little down, not glad school's over?"

Benji shrugs, not really sure he wants to explain everything again. "Just got some shit going on at home."

She narrows her eyes. "Does this have anything to do with the fact that I called you this morning and it said your number was disconnected?"

"Yeah." Benji sighs and nods. "My dad shut my phone off and froze my bank account and all my credit cards after he kicked me out."

"What?" Mandy looks completely blown away. "He kicked you out? Why?"

"We had a fight." Someone jostles Benji from behind and he glares at their back. "Look, Mandy, I should probably go. I've got... some stuff to take care of right now."

"What? That's it?" Mandy looks confused now, but Benji just starts down the street again. "What happened?"

"I'll call you, girl."

"Wait, do you need anything? Or... anything?" she calls, and Benji glances over his shoulder at her.

"No! I'll be fine, thanks!" He holds up a hand in a little wave and quickly turns the corner, walking several blocks before he slows down and checks to see if she's followed him. He has no idea what he's going to do now. He's still thinking about getting in touch with Joel, but doesn't like the idea of using a pay phone.

Finally, after half an hour of wandering aimlessly, he hails a cab and gives the driver directions to Joel's, hoping that Joel isn't out with his friends or at work when he shows up.

*

Benji knocks on Joel's door, hoping against hope that there's someone there. Even Gui would be welcome at this point. He feels like he's on the verge of really, seriously breaking down and he needs to just sit down and collect himself in a quiet space.

The door swings open and it's Joel. "Oh thank God," Benji says, and he licks his lips. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course." Joel blinks and stands aside. "What's up, Benj? I tried calling you this morning but it said your phone was disconnected. And I felt - well. Is something wrong? What's going on?"

"The phone got shut off." Benji looks around the apartment quickly. "My dad shut it off. He kicked me out last night and he shut off my phone and all my credit cards and everything. I hope I'm not bothering you but I really didn't have anywhere else to go and I didn't think you'd mind if I swung by or whatever, so I came over. And I mean, if you have to go to work or anything that's cool, I can just go... somewhere, I just didn't really know what to do."

"You can stay here, Benji, I don't have to work today." Joel steps forward and cups Benji's face in his hands. "As long as you need, my home is yours."

Benji looks up into Joel's eyes and he feels completely drained, suddenly, the weight of the day crashing down on his shoulders. He lets his body droop and steps forward into Joel's arms. "Thanks," he whispers softly against Joel's neck.

"You wanna talk about it or anything?" Joel asks, pressing a kiss to Benji's cheek.

"Not much to say, I guess. We had a fight because I don't want to work with him this summer, and he kicked me out. I didn't think he'd actually leave me completely broke, though. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I have to get a job. I have nothing. I have the clothes on my back; this shirt isn't even mine, I borrowed it from Tim this morning. You and Gui are really the only people I know around here. I don't even have a car, shit." He squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to think about how overwhelming all of this is.

"Hey, it's alright. We can worry about that stuff later." Joel leans back and kisses Benji lightly. "For now, you're here, you're safe, you're alive. That's what matters."

Benji smiles and kisses Joel again, just resting in his arms. They're slow about it, careful. No tongues, no crazy touching, just two people holding each other. "I love you," he whispers softly against Joel's lips.

"I love you too." Joel walks over to the chair and sits down, pulling Benji onto his lap and kissing him again. Benji melts against him, wrapping his arms around Joel's neck, breathing deeply through his nose. He smells familiarity - Joel's cologne, the scent of man just beneath it. The anxiety and fear are starting to dissipate slowly, giving way to relaxed comfort.

Tomorrow might bring more bullshit, he thinks, but right now he finally feels like he's at home.

Show Me

2005-05-01T02:25:54Z

Title: Show Me
Rating: Hard R
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Joel's always said his first kiss was awful. What about his second?
A/N: Much love to zlobnaya for being the awesomest beta reader evar in the world.

Joel walks into the room he shares with Benji, his face long. He pulls a stick of gum out of his pocket and pops it into his mouth, flopping back onto his bed and trying not to think about how really, horribly awful his first real kiss had been.

Weren't they supposed to be awesome? Weren't you supposed to see stars or some shit? And he sort of wishes that he could blame the awfulness on her, but it was his first kiss, and therefore pretty much had to have been his fault.

The door opens and Benji bursts through, jumping onto Joel's bed with a sinister grin. "Hey bro! I saw you leave school with Megan, what happened? Huh?" He bounces next to Joel until Joel shoves him off of the bed.

"Nothing. Fucker."

"Fuck you, asshole." Benji pops up from the floor, rubbing his shoulder sullenly. "Something happened or you wouldn't be so butt-hurt about it. C'mon. You guys get buseh? You do the nasteh?" He's smirking and he climbs back up on the bed.

"Fine." Joel sits up, leaning back against the wall with his feet hanging off the edge of his bed. "Nothing good happened, then."

Benji blinks and sits back next to Joel, their shoulders resting against each other comfortably. "How could nothing good happen? A super hot chick took you to her house after school. If you tell me that you spent the whole afternoon watching cartoons, I swear to God Almighty, Joel - "

"We kissed, okay!" Joel buries his face in his hands. "Fuck, Benji, you gotta be a dick about everything?"

"You kissed? And nothing good happened? What the hell Joel, you have some fucked up standards."

"No, just." Joel sighs and glances over at Benji. "Okay, you know I haven't really... you know. Kissed a girl before. Like that, right?" Benji nods mutely, seeming to understand that his brother needs to just get this shit out. "So anyway, we're sitting on her couch and she leans over like she's gonna kiss me, and I'm like fuck yeah, right, 'cause it's about time I stopped being such a little bitch."

Benji nods slowly. "Okay, so?"

"So. She shoved her tongue down my throat and it was fucking awful, dude. Like, what the fuck, I don't want to eat her tongue, you know? I just. I mean, I figure what the hell, maybe it takes getting used to. So I wait it out a little bit, just go with it, and no. It doesn't get better. There's drool and tongue in my throat and. Yeah."

"Ew." Benji wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. "She drooled on you?" Joel just shrugs helplessly and picks at a string on the hem of his shirt. "Well, hey, don't let it get ya down, man. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's great. You've got a whole life of kissing in front of you."

"I guess." Joel shrugs again and finally pulls the string out, snapping it off when it sticks. "I dunno if I even wanna bother again for a long time."

"Aw, man. That kind of attitude will get you nowhere." Benji reaches over and pats Joel's knee lightly. "Really, it's not always like that. In fact, it's really almost never like that. Usually, if you're kissing someone who doesn't suck at life, it's amazing."

"Could have fooled me," Joel mumbles. He sighs, about to get up and stomp around and maybe go break something in the back yard because this talking about feelings shit is getting to him. "Look, dude, thanks for listening and all but - "

"I could show you," Benji interrupts.

"What?"

Benji's hand is still on Joel's knee and he meets Joel's eyes, his face completely serious. "I said I could show you. You know. What a good kiss feels like."

Joel blinks, staring at Benji, completely taken aback. "You want to kiss me?"

"Well." Benji flushes a little and glances down. "Just if you wanted to. I don't know. It was stupid to say."

Joel watches Benji's tongue dart out of his mouth, moistening his lips, and he takes a deep breath. "Okay," he whispers.

Benji looks up at him again, meeting his eyes, and then the corners of his mouth twitch up into a little smile. "Don't worry." He leans forward, his eyes drifting closed on the way, and Joel meets him halfway, their lips brushing together lightly. Joel swallows thickly and then Benji's pressing more firmly, his mouth moving against Joel's.

Joel turns a little, trying to get more comfortable, and Benji reaches up and rests his hand on Joel's cheek lightly. The tip of his tongue peeks out, brushing across Joel's lips, and this actually feels good. This actually feels like something enjoyable. Joel parts his lips slightly, letting Benji run his tongue along the inside of Joel's mouth slowly, tickling him a little.

Joel presses his tongue against Benji's and they slide together slowly, easily. This is relaxed and comfortable. Joel can smell Benji's shampoo; can taste the cinnamon gum he was chewing earlier. He reaches up and slides his hand to the back of Benji's neck, deepening the kiss a little more, tilting his head to the side so that they can press their mouths together completely.

They pull apart after a minute, Benji resting his forehead against Joel's. "Wow," Joel whispers, smiling. "That is nice."

"Mmm." Benji still has his eyes closed and he tilts his chin forward, pressing his lips against Joel's once more. "See, it had to have been her. 'Cause there was no drool."

Joel blushes a little and laughs, meeting Benji's eyes when they finally open. "Thanks, Benj. That was... well. Thanks."

"No prob, Bob." Benji licks his lips and finally sits back, his hands resting in his lap. He's staring at them like he's thinking really hard, and Joel cocks his head to the side.

"What's up?"

"Nothing." Benji quirks his lips into a smile and shakes his head. "Just glad I could help you out, bro." He pats Joel on the knee and scoots off of the bed. "Better luck with the next girl."

Joel nods, watching Benji walk out of the room, and suddenly he's more than a little confused. He just kissed his brother, and it was better than kissing a girl. And now his brother is being moody and weird. Honestly, he just can't win with this kissing thing.

*

Benji tries his hardest not to think about that kiss for days. He tries to act normally around his brother, but it's hard when all he can think about is how Joel tasted and how Joel fit against him perfectly and how warm Joel was and how much he just wants to shove Joel up against a wall and kiss him until neither of them can breathe any more.

He's over at Paul's after school about a week later, picking over his guitar, but he's just not feeling it, and Paul can tell. He tries to ask what's up but Benji snaps at him and they decide after going a few rounds to call it a night.

Benji realizes as he's walking home that he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't want to see Joel's face, he doesn't want to deal with the fact that they're about to lose their house, he doesn't want to think about anything. He stands at the end of their walkway and stares at the house for a long time, trying to decide what to do, when someone grabs him from behind and he yells.

"Got ya!" Joel cackles gleefully and Benji punches him in the arm.

"Fuck you. Asshole."

"What?" Joel rubs the sore spot and frowns. "I was just playing around, fuck you too."

Benji thinks that this is not really a conversation he wants to be having with his brother, the boy he wants to debauch, the only person he's been able to think about for a week straight. "Sorry. Just, I'm not really in the mood tonight."

"I noticed." Joel shoves his hands into his pockets. "Wanna go for a walk or something? I don't really want to be inside right now..."

Benji sighs and nods. "Yeah, okay. Let's go."

They start down the street in silence, both lost in their thoughts, and Benji's pretty sure that Joel can tell how troubled he is. He keeps casting sideways glances at him, as if trying to get his attention, to ask him what's up. Benji really hopes he doesn't ask.

They kick rocks in tandem and Joel laughs. He's still always amused when they do things at the same time, though they've always done things like that, as long as they've been alive. Spoke together and acted together and made the same gestures. Benji finds it endearing, now, listening to Joel chuckle over something silly.

"So, um. Joel." He shoots his brother a little smile. "Any luck with Megan since the other day?"

Joel glances back at him and shrugs. "No. I haven't called her since. I dunno, I'm just. I guess thinking about shit too much or something."

"Yeah?" Benji nods. Me too, bro. "Well, guess you gotta let it grow on ya or something. The idea or whatever."

"I guess." Joel kicks another rock and turns sharply so that he's stopped in front of Benji. "Now tell me what the fuck is going on with you, Benji. You've been avoiding me for days and I can tell something's up. I know when something's up, you can't just be all upset and not let me help you fix it."

"It's nothing." Benji tries to sidestep Joel but Joel scoots to the side, effectively blocking his way.

"No. Tell me."

"Fuck. You." Benji shoves Joel hard and he stumbles backwards, and then his instincts kick in and he grabs Joel's wrist before he can fall over, helping him keep his balance. "Just. Drop it, dude."

Joel stares down at Benji's hand, at his fingers wrapped around his wrist, and comprehension dawns across his face. "Oh. Benji... oh."

"What?" Benji pulls his hand back quickly, like he's been bitten, and narrows his eyes.

"You liked it, didn't you?" Joel steps closer, looking hard into Benji's eyes. "You liked kissing me more than someone should like kissing their brother, didn't you?"

Benji takes a step back, his mouth curling into a small sneer. "People shouldn't kiss their brothers at all, Joel. People shouldn't agree to that sort of thing in the first place."

"People shouldn't offer to kiss their brothers to begin with," Joel retorts, and then he snaps his mouth shut, realizing what a stinging barb that was. He opens his mouth to apologize and then closes it again slowly. Instead he grabs Benji's shoulders and jerks him forward, pressing his mouth hard against his brother's. Benji feels his stomach lurch at the movement, and he's so surprised by the kiss that he doesn't return it. Joel pulls back then, his eyes stuck to the gravel beneath their feet.

"Sorry," he mutters, stepping backwards. "I just. Sorry." He starts to turn but Benji grabs his arm and pulls him close again, his mouth finding Joel's in the darkness.

"Don't. Don't apologize." Joel melts against him and they open their mouths, tongues sliding together wetly. The kiss is fevered, anxious, all the things that the first one wasn't. Joel's hands are scrabbling across Benji's back, pulling him impossibly closer, and Benji does the same, his fingers tangled in Joel's hair. Benji can't let go of this. He doesn't care if they get caught in this moment, he doesn't care if it's weird or wrong or anything bad. He just wants to hold on for as long as he possibly can.

They break apart a few minutes later, both breathing deeply, staring at each other. Joel slides his hand down Benji's arm and tangles their fingers together, and then starts to tug him back towards their home quickly, tripping over rocks and cracks in the concrete. Benji stops him several times when they enter dark shadows, stealing desperate kisses.

When they reach their house they let go of each other, and Benji feels somehow bereft, like he suddenly realized that he needs to feel Joel against him to live. He needs that extension of himself, the warmth and comfort it brings.

Their mother has left for her second job, and Sarah appears to be asleep when they go inside. They tumble into their bedroom, falling back against the door together as their mouths once again meet. Benji winces when their teeth click together and then Joel is shoving him backwards, towards the wall.

Benji feels the edge of a bed behind his knees and he tips backwards, pulling Joel down with him. They land on the bed and Benji rolls over, half of his body resting on Joel's as their mouths once again seek each other out.

He's giddy with anticipation, though Benji's not sure exactly what he's looking forward to. Joel is making these little noises in the back of his throat, like he just can't help himself, and his hands are resting lightly on Benji's hips.

Benji moves his mouth down to the curve of Joel's face, kissing the skin softly until he reaches the spot just below Joel's ear. He sucks there lightly and Joel inhales sharply and arches his back, grinding his hips against Benji's accidentally. Benji groans and rolls his hips back down, creating more friction between them.

They're breathing heavily, Benji can feel Joel's breath in his hair, and he rolls his hips down again and again, heady with desire. Joel pulls his knees up so that Benji is resting between them and they find each other's mouths again, kissing sloppily in the dark, moving together almost desperately. Benji can feel arousal curling through his belly, down his thighs, through his groin, and he knows he's going to come soon. Judging by the sounds Joel is making, he's not going to last much longer either, so Benji wraps his arms around his brother and starts to grind down against him in earnest, biting Joel's lips eagerly.

Joel opens his eyes and arches his back, and Benji feels him spasm below him. The jerking of Joel's body sends him over the edge as well, and they collapse together, both sweaty and panting and sated. Benji nuzzles Joel's neck, licking and kissing the sensitive skin there lightly, and Joel wraps his arms around Benji and pulls him close.

"What're we gonna do now, Benj?" he asks, his nose buried in Benji's hair. Benji just shrugs.

"I dunno. What do you wanna do?"

Joel is silent for a minute and Benji wonders if he's fallen asleep. "I guess first I want to change my pants," Joel says suddenly, laughing a little. "And then maybe... maybe we could try this out? Just for awhile?"

Benji bites his lip, staring into the dark corner of their bedroom. He doesn't think that's a great idea, but how many ideas really are that good anyway? "Okay. We'll try this out." He tilts his head up, pressing his mouth softly against Joel's kiss-swollen lips. "For a little while, at least."

Collide chapter 18

2005-04-10T03:29:23Z

Title: Collide chapter 18
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: Much love to zlobnaya for the awesome beta fantastico. Whee. :)

| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
| eleven | twelve | thirteen | fourteen | fifteen | sixteen | seventeen |

Joel walks into the Main Street bar and is met with cheers from his friends. It's been about a week since he broke the news of his big fight to Benji and since then he's told a few of his friends. The word's managed to get around to everyone though, it looks like.

Someone shoves a beer into his hand and he makes his way towards the bar amidst a shower of back pats and congratulations. He finally gets to Gui, who's relaxing on a bar stool.

"Ay man! Finally showed up, huh?"

Joel grins and slides onto the stool beside his best friend. "Yeah, I came straight over from work. They kept me kinda late tonight."

Gui nods. "Mama's makin' dinner for joo Thursday night, you be dere or be fucked, man."

"I'll be there," Joel laughs.

"Bring Benhameen, too, he's gotta meet de family yeah?"

Joel shrugs and drinks deeply from his beer. "I dunno. I'll call him, but he's got finals all week so he might not be able to hang out."

"Joel, sweetheart!" Trish drapes herself over Joel and kisses his cheek lightly. "I'm so proud of you, gettin' all big and famous." Joel turns to look at her and she's grinning widely.

"I'm not big and famous yet, Trish. But thanks."

She shakes her head and grabs a beer from the bartender, Scott. "Just don't forget about us little people, Hole. We'll always be here."

"Hey, not if the guys get the band going, yeah? You don't think they'll get out of here with that?" Joel asks. Trish laughs brightly.

"Oh, Joel, baby, you are too funny."

"Hey!" A heavy hand lands on the bar next to Trish. "You think that's funny, girl?"

"Shut up Pinoch." Trish rolls her eyes and pushes past Pinoch, landing in Alberto's arms. The two start making out instantly and Joel blinks.

"Those two back together again?"

Pinoch chuckles and shrugs. "This week, yeah."

"Hey Joel," Zack says, scooting in beside Joel on the stool Gui vacated. "Where's Dolla Billz?"

Joel blinks and cocks his head to the side. "Dolla Billz?"

"Yeah, you know. Pretty boy, brought you to Fuller's in his fancy little car. Still got all his teeth. You remember, right Pinoch?"

"Oh yeah! Gonna be a banker or some shit." Pinoch nods once at Joel. "Yeah, where is that guy? Didn't wanna celebrate with the rest of us or what?"

"I dunno," Joel mumbles. "Couldn't make it, I guess. Busy with school or something..."

Zack makes a disgusted face and finishes his beer. "One more please, Scott! Look, Joel, I dunno what you think the guy's doin', but you gotta watch it, bro."

Javie shoves in right then, distracting Joel from the shock of that statement, and pulls Pinoch off to the side, babbling something about the band and a gig. Joel turns his attention back to Zack. "What the fuck? What are you talking about?"

"What do you think that guy's doing with you, huh?" Zack thanks Scott for the fresh beer. "He's just slumming around, man, waiting for his trust fund to mature. I know how those rich fuckers are, probably better than anyone else here."

Joel clenches his fist tightly around his beer bottle, wanting more than anything to close the distance between them and break Zack's teeth. But he can't; no one can know that there really is something going on between him and Benji. "I don't know what you're talking about, man," he says. "He's a buddy, he helped me out. He got me in touch with Marty, he's cool okay?"

"Heh, whatever man." Zack leans forward conspiratorially and Joel bends in unconsciously. "Lemme tell you a little story, though." He shakes his head. "There was this girl, right, fucking amazing. Hot, gorgeous body, perfect tits, the whole nine yards. Daddy was rich as fuck, of course. But that girl had a dirty streak a mile wide - she taught me some shit, man. She could fuck for hours, just keep me hanging like -"

"Okay! I get the point, she was hot. What about it?" Joel interrupts and Zack nods.

"Right, so, anyways, this girl was the girl of my fucking dreams, you know, and one day - nothing. Gone. Changed her phone number, and of course I had no idea where she lived. She never took me home or nothin'. That fucking hurt man, you know when it feels like your heart's just been ripped to fucking pieces? That was what she did to me."

"Bummer." Joel bites his tongue, trying not to say any more.

"Yeah. Well I saw her a few months later downtown, fucking bitch. She's all over this Abercrombie and Fitch guy, kissing him and feeling up his ass and shit and I just couldn't fucking believe it. The second she found someone with money I was out'a the picture. She slummed man, she needed to be able to say she'd been real dirty once. That's all I was to her, man, and that's all you are to him."

Joel's entire body is thrumming; he's pretty sure that his beer bottle is going to shatter in about three seconds. He can't believe he's hearing this from his friend; who says shit like this? He knows Benji, he knows that this is not just some random fling. He opens his mouth, trying to think of something to say that won't be along the lines of "Fuck off and fucking die Jesus" when Gui jumps in between them.

"Hey man, get over here! Frogs and Ian got some craps goin' on and joo gotta see what happens whenever Ian loses." He's cracking up and Joel happily slides off of his stool, his beer and Zack forgotten behind him as he heads for a crowd of his friends.

*

"Are you sure I look okay?" Benji asks, smoothing his hand over his button-down shirt. "I don't wanna make like, a bad impression or anything."

"You look fine, babe." Joel smiles and leans over, pressing a kiss to Benji's temple before climbing out of the car.

Benji climbs out as well and looks down the street. "I know, it's just. I want to make a good impression; I know how important these guys are to you, Joel."

"Really, don't worry, you'll be fine."

"What about my car? Are you sure my car's going to be okay? I really don't need anything happening to that, either..."

"Yes, Benji. It'll be fine."

They start down the street, Benji still smoothing his shirt out nervously. They turn at a tall apartment building, and there's a group of five or six Puerto Rican guys standing at the doorway. Benji falls back behind Joel a step.

"Hey, it's Hole, guys!" one of them says brightly. They all stand up and skip down the steps to Joel, exchanging complicated handshakes. One of the guys looks familiar and Benji remembers seeing him at the bar after Joel's big fight before. He was Gui's cousin.

"So, you brought de prodigal son along, huh?" the guy asks, slapping Benji on the back a little harder than necessary.

"Be nice, Eddy," Joel says, rolling his eyes and pushing through the group. Benji prickles a little; he can't even stand up for himself in a situation like this. He follows Joel, trading succinct head nods with the guys, who are busy rearranging themselves back on the steps.

They head up the stairs and finally get onto the fifth floor. They make their way down several dimly lit hallways and then stop in front of a door marked 5D. Benji's worrying his lip between his teeth and Joel leans over and kisses him gently, running his tongue over the sensitive skin. "Don't worry, okay? They'll love you." He runs his hand down Benji's face tenderly and then turns and knocks on the door.

Benji's still reeling from the gentleness Joel just displayed when the door swings open and a little girl jumps into Joel's arms excitedly. "HWELL!" she shrieks, and Benji winces.

"Hey Espi!" Joel spins her around a couple of times and she laughs gleefully. "Where's your brother, huh?"

Espi shrugs and runs inside the apartment. Joel steps in and Benji trails behind him, looking around at the place. The walls are an off-yellow color and there are pictures of the Virgin Mary and crucifixes hanging in the hallway.

"Hwell's here! Hwell's here!" The little girl's excitement is somewhat contagious; Benji feels himself warming up a little. They emerge into a small living room and are met by a short Hispanic woman.

"Well, well. The last of my boys is here." She smiles and wraps her arms around Joel's middle, hugging him tightly. "How are you tonight, mi jito?"

"I'm doing good, Mariana." Joel smiles and untangles himself. "This is my friend, Benji. He's the one who set me up with Marty."

"This is Benhameen, eh?" Mariana steps forward and shakes Benji's hand. She's got a firm grip, and Benji smiles a little. "Nice to meet you. You like empanadas?"

"Yes ma'am," Benji says.

"Ma'am, don't call me ma'am." Mariana shakes her head and starts back towards the kitchen. "It's Mariana, just Mariana."

Benji flushes a little, afraid he's already made a mistake. "'Ay guys!" Gui bounces up from behind them, jumping up to wrap an arm around Benji's neck and pulling him down. "Joo made it, Benhameen! Glad to see ya man!"

"Ooph, yeah." Benji untangles himself with a grin. "Thanks for inviting me."

"No problem, man, you one of de family dese days." He grins toothily. "How'd finals go, man? Get good grades 'n' shit?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so." Benji scratches the back of his neck and shrugs. "I won't know for sure 'till at least next week probably."

Mariana pokes her head into the living room then with a mock glare, dusting her hands off on her apron. "Are you boys going to come eat or what? Come on, come on." She starts to shoo Joel and Gui through the kitchen and Benji follows them closely.

The little girl, Espi, is already sitting down, and there's another girl sitting beside her. She must be about sixteen, and she's really very pretty. Dark eyes framed by long, brown hair, and she smiles warmly when she sees Joel.

"Hello, Joel," she says, a light blush coloring her cheeks.

"Hi Ana," Joel replies, smiling back. "This is my friend Benji. Benji, Ana." Benji takes the seat beside her and shakes her hand carefully.

"Nice to meet you," he says, and she ducks her head a little.

"Aye, she's still in love with you, Joel!" Gui says, a sinister gleam in his eyes, and Ana dips her head, blushing deeply.

"Guillermo!" Mariana smacks him in the back of the head and sets a plate full of empanadas on the table. "Don't you embarrass your sister tonight." She looks around and then sits down between Guillermo and Joel and then pats Gui on the back. "Say grace for us, mi jito."

Gui nods and everyone dips their heads, eyes closed. Benji does the same and Gui speaks quickly and fluidly in Spanish, followed by everyone mumbling a soft "amen." Benji thinks this may be the first time he's ever heard a prayer before a meal that everyone meant.

The table explodes as soon as the prayer is done, everyone reaching for food and chattering about their days. "So, Behameen, Guillermo tells me you're in school?" Mariana asks.

"Um, yes." Benji nods.

"What are you studying?"

Benji licks his lips. "Economics, but um. Well, I was looking at doing investment banking but I'm not sure that's what I really want to do any more."

"No?" She's looking at him very intently. "Well, you go with your heart, yes? Be happy if you can."

Benji smiles ever so slightly and nods. He glances to the side and catches Ana sneaking looks at Joel. She has been since they sat down, and Benji can't help but find it cute that she has a crush.

"Hey Ana," Gui says suddenly. "Stop droolin' over dere or Joel's gonna drown." He snickers and Ana blushes again and drops her eyes to her plate. Benji frowns at Gui and Mariana looks like she's about to pop. She flicks Gui's ear hard.

"Ana?" Benji asks gently, touching her arm. "Are you in school?"

Her eyes flutter up to his face and she nods. "Yeah. I'm a sophomore."

Benji smiles. "Do you like it?" She nods and with a little more prodding she starts talking about her classes. Benji glances at Mariana and she's smiling warmly at him. He relaxes slightly; he's pretty sure he just earned some points with the mama.

The rest of dinner is amazing. There's chatter and banter all around and Benji thinks that this might be the best evening he's had in a long time. Dinner in his family is always a very somber affair.

After they eat Mariana retires to the living room, leaving Gui and Espi to do the dishes. Benji and Joel both offer to help, but she won't have company cleaning up. "Besides," she says, squeezing Joel's arm affectionately, "It's Joel's turn next time."

Eddy, Gui's cousin, stops by for a few minutes after the girls are sent off to bed and invites everyone to come over to his place for a few beers.

"Actually, we should probably get going," Joel says, looking at Benji. "I've gotta work really early tomorrow."

Benji nods and they stand to go. Mariana follows them to the door. "You boys be careful," she says and pulls Joel into a tight hug. "Thank you for coming to see me."

Joel smiles and kisses her cheek gently. "Thanks for having me, mama."

"Benhameen, it was so nice having you over tonight."

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Mariana. You have a lovely home and that was the best meal I remember eating."

She takes Benji's hand in both of hers with a warm smile. "You come back any time."

They say goodnight and Mariana closes the door behind them. "Eddy," she says, coming back into the living room. "I need to speak with Gui before he goes over." She gives him a hug. "You remind your mama to come see me tomorrow."

"Alright, Tia. Goodnight." Eddy heads out and Mariana faces Gui with a serious face.

"Guillermo, Benji is not just a friend, is he?"

"What?" Gui's taken aback by that and he shrugs quickly. "Uh, mama -"

"They act like lovers, Gui."

"Um, well mama, you know Joel is... you know. He likes... he's into guys."

She sighs and shakes her head. "Yes, I know this. I sat at the table tonight and I looked at them, Gui. They have the same face."

Gui's eyes go wide and he glances everywhere but at his mama's face, certain that he looks as panic-stricken as he feels. "Well... the thing is, mama, um." He licks his lips and shrugs helplessly. "He's Joel's. That's all I can say. He's just Joel's."

She looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and then nods slowly. "Okay. Go to your cousin's." Gui heaves a sigh of relief and walks past her. She smacks him lightly upside the head as he walks by and he rubs the sore spot with a frown.

"What was that for?"

She smiles. "For teasing your sister at dinner. You be nice to her, Guillermo."

He starts to retort and then just laughs. "Okay, okay. You win, mama, I'll be nice nex' time."

*

Joel smiles at Benji, tossing his jacket onto the chair. "See? They loved you."

Benji nods. "I really had a good time. They're amazing, Joel."

Joel steps forward, closing the distance between them and presses his lips against Benji's tenderly. "They're my family. I just wish I could have introduced you as -"

"As what?" Benji interrupts. "Your brother or your boyfriend?"

Joel chuckles low in his throat and pulls Benji up against himself. "As mine," he growls against Benji's lips. "You're mine."

Benji feels arousal spike through his body at those words and he opens his mouth under Joel's, kissing him deeply. He rolls his hips up against Joel's, eliciting a moan of approval, and then slides his hand down to rub between their bodies.

"Yours," he whispers against Joel's lips, and then he slides down to his knees, making quick work of Joel's pants and boxers. He wraps his fingers around Joel's half-hard cock and starts to stroke, running his tongue across the tip in long, firm swipes. Joel groans and cups the side of Benji's head, moving his hips forward with each stroke.

Joel steps out of his pants and then tangles his other hand in Benji's hair. Benji slides Joel's cock into his mouth and starts to suck, lightly at first and then more firmly, moving his hand down to cup Joel's balls. He's almost overwhelmed by the sensation of Joel; the weight of his cock against Benji's tongue, the salty tangy taste of his pre-cum, the scent of Joel's aftershave. The sounds that Joel is making now, entirely for Benji.

Joel is moving his hips slowly, tugging lightly at Benji's hair, and Benji takes him further in but loosens his lips, letting Joel fuck his mouth a little. He slides his free hand around Joel's ass, supporting him as much as adding a little to his work. He slides his fingers into the cleft of Joel's ass, brushing the tight ring of muscle.

"Mmm, Benji..." Joel squirms a little and Benji sits back, stroking Joel firmly, slipping two fingers into his mouth. He runs his tongue over them quickly, getting them wet with spit and then he returns to his position, sucking Joel into his mouth and pressing one finger up inside of him. Joel groans and arches his hips, trying to spread his legs a little farther apart.

Benji twists his finger slowly and suddenly Joel gasps and bucks his hips forward haphazardly, almost knocking Benji over. He laughs, pressing that spot again, and Joel's eyes slide shut, his lips open in a perfect O.

Benji slides back, brushing the tip of Joel's cock with his lips when he speaks. "Will you fuck me?" He presses a second finger in slowly, adding pressure to Joel's prostate. "Will you fuck me 'till I forget how to breathe, Joel?" His tongue slides between his wet, swollen lips, brushing Joel's cock, and Joel is shuddering, whimpering, expletives falling from his mouth.

"Fuck, Benji." Joel tightens his fingers in Benji's hair desperately. He arches his hips forward, needing more contact, but Benji moves his head back too, smiling a little. He makes a circle over the tip of Joel's cock with his tongue and teases Joel's prostate more.

"C'mon, Joel. I wanna come screaming your name, I wanna see fucking stars, Joel, please."

"FUCK, Benj!" Joel closes his eyes tightly. "Yes, please just fucking. I'll do anything you want just please..."

Benji grins wolfishly and wraps his lips around his brother's cock once more, sucking and licking. Joel is gasping, shuddering, and Benji's a little worried about him falling over. He opens his throat and takes Joel in all the way, over and over, swallowing every time Joel's cock bumps the back of his throat, until Joel lets out a low, keening moan and comes, his entire body spasming.

Benji swallows and pulls back, licking his way up and off of Joel's cock, and Joel slides down onto the floor in front of him, grabbing his face and kissing him hard. "Fuck you, Benji, Jesus."

Benji smiles and looks up at Joel through his eyelashes. "That's what you promised, Joel."

Joel grins slowly and starts to crawl forward, making Benji scoot back across the floor until he runs into the mattress in the corner. Joel kisses him again, pushing him back onto the bed. Benji melts beneath him, spreading his legs so that Joel can settle between them comfortably.

They move against each other slowly, until Joel feels himself working up again, and he reaches down and begins to stroke himself. Benji is hard against his thigh, and he squirms, trying to get more contact.

Joel sits back, staring down at Benji. "Touch yourself," he says softly. Benji's eyes widen a little, but his hand slips down his chest, over his belly until his fingers are wrapped around the base of his cock. He reaches down with two fingers, tugging at his balls as he strokes upwards, and Joel groans softly. He fumbles around on top of his little table until he finds lube and squirts some onto his fingers. "Keep going," he whispers and he slides two fingers down, pressing up inside of Benji slowly.

Benji gasps and bucks his hips up, his fingers tightening around his cock. "Joel, please..." He wiggles his hips. "I don't care, really, just c'mon."

Joel smirks, twisting and scissoring his fingers. "You always say that you don't care." He bends over, licking at Benji's lips wantonly. "One of these days I'm gonna fuck you real hard, Benj."

"Oh my god." Benji whimpers loudly and Joel removes his fingers, quickly slicking some lube over himself before he lines up with Benji. "Joel..."

Joel lifts Benji's legs up to hook around his waist and then, in one fluid motion, he pushes inside. Benji throws his head back, a deep moan breaking past his lips, and Joel begins to move quickly. They're both panting heavily, moving back and forth together, and Benji's still got his fist wrapped tightly around his cock, only moving it when he remembers to. He has his free hand tangled in his own hair, his eyes are squeezed shut tightly, and Joel thinks this may be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

He rolls his hips, twisting them until he's hitting Benji's prostate with every thrust, and sounds are spilling from Benji's lips. Moans and gasps and whimpers and curses; the sounds seem to run down Joel's spine, pooling in his belly, urging out his impending orgasm.

Benji's got his eyes open now, trained on Joel's face, and Joel bends over a little, supporting himself with his arm beside Benji. Benji slides his legs further up Joel's back and Joel begins to move faster, making sure he's still hitting that spot with every thrust. Benji's shuddering, his hand working quickly between their bodies, and Joel hears him inhale sharply just before he comes, tilting his head back and moaning.

Joel can't resist, he dips his head and sucks on that pale expanse of skin at his neck, and as Benji's body tightens around him he groans and comes as well, dropping down slowly on top of Benji. They lay still for a moment, Joel with his head on Benji's chest, Benji's fingers threading through his damp hair slowly. Joel feels comfortable, relaxed, happy. Really, really happy. He nuzzles Benji's chest, neck, ear, up into his hair, inhaling the scent of his lover. His brother. His.

"Benji?" he whispers, almost inaudibly, and Benji turns his head just slightly, bringing Joel's lips up against his temple. "Yeah?"

Joel presses a tiny kiss to the soft skin of Benji's temple. "I love you."

Benji twists in his arms, turning so that he can look into Joel's eyes. He searches for a moment, as though looking for any sign of a smile. He relaxes then, smiling just a little, and ducks his head. "I love you, too."

Joel rolls over, pulling Benji into his arms, and kisses him deeply, determined to hold onto this for as long as he possibly can.

*

Benji makes his way slowly up to his apartment. It's nearly midnight but he can tell there are still lights on, which really isn't a good sign. It means his parents have waited up for him. At the moment, though, he really doesn't care. He's been wrapping his mind around this idea that he's in love. That someone is in love with him. It's shocking, but it's also really wonderful.

He opens the door and starts through the apartment, expecting to hear the familiar voice echoing from the office. He stops short in the doorway when he sees his father sitting in the living room, reading over some documents.

"Benjamin?" His father looks up from the report he's reading. "Where have you been?"

Benji sighs and tosses his backpack onto the sofa. "Out."

"Out where?"

"Does it matter?" Benji asks. He feels particularly feisty tonight; he's just seen what a real loving family is like and now he's back here, cold and alone.

"Don't be smart," his father says sharply. "Finals are over; I expect to see your internship application on my desk by three o'clock tomorrow. You can fax it over to my office as soon as it's complete."

Benji sets his jaw and shakes his head slowly. "No. I'm not filling it out."

"Excuse me?"

"I said I'm not filling it out. I don't want to do that this summer."

"Really?" His father leans forward, his voice dangerously low. "And what do you intend to do instead?"

Benji shrugs helplessly. He really hadn't had a chance to figure out what else he could do. "Do you expect to just run around all summer without any direction? Do you think that this is just one big party?"

"No! I just. I want to keep my options open. There's a lot more out there than just banking."

"Indeed there is." His father sits back, eyes narrowed. "But as long as you live in my home and as long as I am paying for your education you will pursue what I think is best for you."

Benji feels his pulse pounding in his ears. "What you think is best?" He grits his teeth. "Do you even know me? How are you any kind of judge as to what's best for me?"

"I'm your father!" Benji bites back a retort to that - he's never stooped to using the 'you're not my real dad!' thing before and he's not about to start now. "You will respect me while you are in my home!"

"Yeah?" Benji smiles, baring his teeth maliciously. "Fine." He turns on his heel and starts to stomp towards the front door.

"Benjamin Levi Madden!" his father roars behind him, "If you go out that door you are cut off, do you understand me? You will not be coming back!"

Benji's stride falters briefly but he's far too angry to turn around. He glances behind him at the apartment he grew up in and then throws the door open. "See ya, pops."

"Benjamin!" He hears his father yelling threats at him as he slams the door and heads for the elevator.

Collide chapter 17

2005-03-28T04:39:20Z

Title: Collide chapter 17
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: Happy zombie jesus day! Muchas gracias to zlobnaya for being the beta to my gamma. Or something. Anywho, go read the last chapter if you guys need a refresher, I know it's been awhile. But this chapter will not disappoint, oh no! For it has hot pr0n in it. :)

| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
| eleven | twelve | thirteen | fourteen | fifteen | sixteen |

Benji's been avoiding pretty much everyone lately. He'll say hi if he runs into his friends but really he's not terribly interested in parties or daddy's business. He's been finding a lot of time to spend with Joel though. Most of the time they just hang out and watch movies and talk about stuff, but they've gone out on a few dates, too. Benji's been surprised to find that he wishes he could just reach over and hold Joel's hand when they're out for a walk.

This is all really new to him; he's always kind of figured that messing around with guys was a side effect of being a wild rich kid. Somehow he never thought he could be serious with someone like Joel. But he suddenly wants to see him all the time. He even goes over and does his homework while Joel and Gui train.

Marty's gym is in Manhattan, actually not too far from Benji's apartment. It's small, but very nice; Marty's got all the state of the art equipment for training boxers. Joel and Gui went absolutely nuts when they first saw it, running around and trying everything out, double checking that yeah, it really was all stuff they could use.

Tonight they've been there for about an hour when Benji's cell phone rings. The caller ID says Mandy and he answers with a small sigh. "Hello?"

"Hey Benji!" she chirps. "Where've you been?"

"What do you mean? I've been working on school pretty hard..."

"You haven't been over to study in weeks. What's going on?"

Benji sighs again. "Things have just been kinda hectic lately, ya know. Sorry I haven't called or whatever."

"Or whatever?" Benji can hear the exaggerated pout in her voice. "I thought we were friends, Benji."

"Christ." Benji covers his eyes with his hand. "I really don't have time for this bullshit right now, Mandy."

"Alright, fine." She sounds a little more serious now. "I won't do the whining. But don't be a shit; call me sometime. We've gotta hang out soon."

"Alright. I'll call when I get some time. It might be after finals though; those are really stressing me out. You know?"

"Yeah, I get you baby. Take care, keep your cool and I'll see you soon."

Benji says goodbye and hangs up, then leans over his math textbook again. He works for a few more minutes when strong arms wrap around his shoulders.

"Working hard?" Joel asks against Benji's ear.

Benji shivers a little. "Not really. This is all review type stuff."

"Mmm." Joel starts to kiss his way down Benji's neck. "Then you wouldn't mind a little... distraction?"

"What do you have in mind?" Benji asks as innocently as he can muster. He turns a little, seeing the light sheen of sweat glistening on Joel's body, and then suddenly Joel is kissing him hard. He wraps his arm around Joel's neck and Joel slides his hand down to Benji's crotch and runs his palm lightly over the sensitive area. Benji groans and slides his tongue into Joel's mouth, bucking his hips up to meet Joel's hand.

"Jesus." Gui's voice cuts in suddenly and Benji pulls back, startled. "Get a fuckin' room. I don' need'a see dis shit out here."

Joel turns to his friend with an innocent smile. "I can't say hi to my boyfriend in front of you?" he asks. He's still rubbing Benji up through his pants and Benji coughs and squirms a little, surprised that Joel referred to him as his boyfriend. It really sounded nice.

"All you's ever do is 'say hi.' Joo kids today man." Gui shakes his head and walks off, but he's smiling.

Joel turns back to Benji and slides his hand down the inside of Benji's thigh. "What do you say we go finish saying hi in the shower?"

"Fuck yes." Benji's on his feet instantly, dragging Joel towards the locker room. They stumble through the doors, clothes flying in all directions. Somehow they make their way to the showers, hands sliding over skin, mouths exploring each other fervently.

Joel shoves Benji up against the shower wall and starts to lick and nip at his throat. Their naked bodies are sliding together under the cascade of warm water and Benji threads his fingers through Joel's damp hair.

"You're so hot, baby," Joel murmurs and Benji rolls his hips forward. Benji smiles; of course he is. Their mouths slide together in a wet, dirty kiss. Benji digs his fingertips into Joel's forearms and idly notices that he's been getting a lot more cut, a lot stronger. He's never really been into really huge guys, but there's something about the way Joel looks - lean and tough, skin sliding over hard muscles - that really turns Benji on.

Joel nuzzles Benji's neck and then hooks his arms around Benji and hoists him up. Benji instinctively wraps his legs around Joel's waist and grinds his hips forward. Joel's fingers slide down, dipping into the cleft of Benji's ass, and Benji leans forward, circling his arms tightly around Joel's neck.

Joel reaches over to the shampoo dispenser hanging on the wall beside them and squirts some conditioner into his hand; he twists two fingers up inside of Benji, stretching him out slowly. Benji groans and squirms, already impatient.

"Hurry up, it's fine," he whispers, his voice halting.

"I don't wanna hurt you baby."

"Joel... fucking." Benji wiggles his hips again, desperate for more contact. "Fuck it, I don't care, just please."

Joel chuckles against Benji's skin. There's a small stream of water trickling down Benji's back, tickling the tiny hairs there, making his entire body tingle with excitement and arousal. Joel adds a third finger and Benji whimpers and bites his shoulder lightly. "Please Joel, please..." Joel steps forward and presses Benji up against the wall, lining himself up carefully. The cold tiles against Benji's hot skin are shocking and Benji is torn between the rush of cold and Joel slowly pressing inside of him. Benji throws his head back against the wall and bounces in Joel's arms, forcing himself down.

Joel begins to move slowly at first, then speeds up with each thrust. Benji's hands are scrabbling along Joel's back, leaving red marks zig-zagging across his pale skin. The tiles are digging into his back but Benji doesn't think he's ever been more turned on in his entire life.

"Fuck, Benj," Joel growls against Benji's throat. "You're fucking beautiful like this, all wet and wide open for me." Benji whimpers and his right leg slides down a little, over the perfect curve of Joel's ass and he catches it against Joel's thigh. He can feel the muscles cording in Joel's legs as he thrusts and Benji cries out, pulling himself back up.

Joel shifts them just a little, getting a better hold on Benji and then he starts to really fuck him hard. Benji's hands spasm across Joel's back and he throws his head back, a soft, keening wail escaping him. His cock is rubbing up between them, achingly hard and Joel is hitting his prostate with every single movement. He drops his head forward and trails his lips over Joel's face; kissing his nose, forehead and eyebrows wetly until his nose is buried in Joel's hair and he's screaming.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK Joel, so close... "

Joel drags his teeth down the side of Benji's neck. "Come for me, baby, I wanna feel you come, I wanna hear every sound you make." He slams into Benji once, twice, three more times and Benji cries out and comes harder than he remembers in a very long time. His entire body is spasming and he's panting, whimpering softly as he comes down. Joel is shaking with the shock of his own orgasm and he turns them around, sliding to the floor, Benji still in his arms.

Benji keeps his arms around Joel's neck and he lowers his head, kissing Joel deeply. "That was amazing," he whispers against Joel's mouth.

"You're amazing," Joel replies and Benji laughs.

"How the hell are you so cheesy? You're a boxer, you're supposed to be like... I dunno. Macho."

"Yeah?" Joel kisses Benji hard, tugging on his wet hair. "Well, how many boxers do you know?"

"One's enough for me."

*

They're on their way back to Joel's house, both squeaky clean. The drive has been a silent one, and Benji can't help but think something's up. Joel's not really much of a talker, but tonight it's just different somehow, it's like there's something lingering that needs to be said.

"So what're you thinking?" he asks finally.

Joel keeps his eyes fixed on the street on front of him. "Well... do you want the good news first, or the bad news?"

"Um." Benji feels his body tense slightly. This doesn't sound good. "Good news, I guess."

"Marty's managed to work out most of the details for a fight for me. My first pro fight."

"Joel, that's great!" Benji glances at him. "When is it? Against who?"

"Beginning of August and I have no idea who I'll be fighting." Joel's eyes flick to Benji for a second. "Which kinda brings me to the bad news. It's in Los Angeles."

Benji raises an eyebrow and worries his tongue ring between his teeth. "That's bad?"

"Well, it means I'll have to go out there about a month before the fight to train and stuff."

"Oh." Benji frowns. A month without Joel around. "Well, dude, don't let me keep you back. Don't worry about me or Gui or any of us, this is what you've always wanted and you know we'll still be here when you come back."

Joel grins widely and nods. "God, Benji. I've been wanting this since... forever, really. And it's all so sudden. Like two months ago there was maybe a chance of something happening someday, and now today... today it's someday."

Benji pulls up in front of Joel's building then, turning into an empty space carefully. "You coming up?" Joel asks.

"I really shouldn't, I've got lots of work I need to type up tonight."

"Oh." Joel looks a little disappointed and he licks his lips quickly. "Okay. Well, I'll call you." He leans over and pressed a firm kiss against Benji's lips. "Drive carefully."

"Mmm." Benji kisses Joel again, deeply. "Congratulations again. We'll go out this weekend or something, okay?"

"Okay, thanks." Joel smiles and kisses Benji once more.

Benji watches Joel make his way into his building and backs up slowly. His mind is reeling with all of this - Joel's dreams are all coming true, but Joel's also leaving. He probably won't go until July but that suddenly seems so very, very close.

Benji has no idea what he's going to do this summer. His dad has given him all the paper work he needs to intern at the bank, but every time he looks at it he gets upset. There's really nothing that he likes about investment banking, there never was anything about it. He knew that it would pay the bills and keep him in fancy clothes and new technology, but he's really starting to wonder if those are the kinds of things he needs. The kinds of things he wants.

The problem is though; he has no idea where to even begin looking. He knows that he cares about Joel; he knows that he cares about Gui and helping them out is the best thing he thinks he's ever done with his life. But their lives aren't anything like his, and he's not really sure that he would want something like that either. He doesn't want to have to live paycheck to paycheck and worry about heat and electricity, despite the fact that he's paid his bills.

Hanging out with Joel's friends had been something of an eye-opener though; they were loud and vulgar and vaguely frightening, and yet Benji wasn't sure he'd ever seen people so intimate with each other. These were people who really live in the world, who go to work every day and try to take care of themselves and their families. These are the people that Benji wishes were his friends sometimes.

He looks around as he's driving and he's suddenly super-aware of his surroundings; of the people leering at him and his fancy car from the sidewalk, of the broken down buildings and the sirens wailing constantly in the background. He speeds up as much as possible, shoving a mixed CD into the player and turns it up, singing along, trying his hardest to drown out life in general.

When he finally gets home, Benji's throat is raw from singing and he's got the beginnings of a migraine creeping up the back of his neck; his body is probably realizing that it was fucked hard up against a cold tile wall earlier.

He makes his way up to their floor and tries to go inside as quietly as he can - it's only nine-thirty but sometimes his parents are in bed by then. There are still lights on, though, and he sighs and heads for his room.

"Benjamin?" His father's voice floats out from his office. "Could you come in here for a moment please?"

Benji sighs and drops his head, "Yeah, just a second." He throws his backpack onto his bed and then heads into the office.

His father doesn't look up from his desk when Benji enters. "Where have you been son?"

"I was studying. Finals are next week; I wanted to make sure I was going to get everything."

His father nods slowly and finally looks up at him. "Good." He closes a folder and sets it on the edge of his desk. "I notice that you haven't sent in the application for internship this summer. Any reason why?"

Benji closes his eyes for a second and shrugs. "I've just been really busy lately. You know, school and everything, I haven't had much time to - ah - really put everything I should into it. Um. It needs special attention; it's a very important job, right?"

"Mmmm." His father frowns. "I happen to know that it's not really all that different from the application you filled out last summer, Benjamin. You had no trouble getting that done in a timely manner."

"I know." Benji sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. "I guess I'm just. Kind of. Well, I'd like to leave my options open until I'm done with school."

"Well, Benjamin, I'm sure you don't need me to remind you that there are deadlines in life, and this program has one. I can still get you in but it doesn't reflect well on either of us to miss a deadline."

"What?" Benji's taken aback by that, and he tries to keep himself from getting angry. He really doesn't need a fight right now. "I have finals right now. I don't know if you remember school but this is pretty much taking up all the time I have." A dirty lie, but Benji doesn't care right now. "And really, I'm not even sure that this accounting thing is what I want to do this summer. Like there are so many other opportunities out there and you can't just let me take a week and decide what I want to do?"

His father looks completely taken aback by that. "You don't want to do the internship?"

"I don't know! I have this whole huge life in front of me and you're pushing me into this and I just - "

"Benjamin." His father's voice is sharp and Benji shuts his mouth with a snap. "Perhaps we should discuss this later, when you've calmed down a bit."

Benji clenches his fists and grits his teeth and turns on his heel without a word of acknowledgment. He's beyond livid, but he knows that if he stays in the office any longer there will be trouble.

Collide Interlude

2005-03-07T05:35:01Z

Title: Collide: The Interlude
Chapter rating: R/NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: zlobnaya was telling me I should write like an interlude to get back into the swing of this story, since I've been off for so long, so here it is. You don't need to read or reread any of the past chapters really; this takes place back in 1995/1996. It's flashbacks of the boys when they were fifteen.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I hope that this gets you excited for the next real chapter, which should be coming soon. I swear this time! Haha.

"Hey Joel! O'er here, man."

Joel shoves his hands into his jacket pockets and skips down the steps of the police station. "'Sup Gui?" The cold winter wind is blowing up through the holes in his torn jeans and Joel wishes it weren't so hard to keep his skinny little body warm.

"So what's de word, man?"

"I gotta go to court next week. Probably just get probation for awhile." They start walking and Joel hands Gui some bus tokens. "They gave me these in there so I could get home. I don't need 'em all though."

Gui smiles and takes two of the offered tokens. "Thanks. Dese things is like gold, que no. How's your face?"

Joel reaches up and gingerly touches his swollen black eye. "It fucking hurts."

"Hey man we gotta toughen you up some. You were puttin' up a good fight. We could make you, like, the master of da hood or something."

Joel laughs and bats at Gui playfully. "Yeah, I think you gotta be older than fifteen to run the hood, Gui."

"Yeah, well. Check it out, my cousin Pedro is really gettin' into dis boxing thing, maybe we can go with him to a fight or something next month, maybe you could learn a thing or two huh?"

Joel shrugs and sits down on a trash can by a bus stop. "I guess. I'd like to be able to kick those guy's asses if I ever see them again."

"Oh, man. No, dey're long gone by now, de crew got after 'em after de cops came. I don't think they'll fuck with you any more."

"And still, I'm the guy with the rap sheet now." He shakes his head. "Fuckers."

"They are, man. They're fuckers. But fuck 'em." Gui grins toothily. "You comin' over for dinner tonight, we got some good eats dis week."

"Yeah, I'll come over. I could use some good food - Mr. Ford only has ramen for me."

Gui shakes his head. "That's shitty, man. You need better'n dat."

The bus pulls up and they climb on, bantering back and forth, replaying the fight that landed Joel in jail for an afternoon. Gui keeps talking about the boxing thing, and Joel feels he's warming up to it the more he talks. It does sound kind of fun, being in a ring with one other guy, squaring off like that. It sounds rough and dangerous and exciting.

They hop off at their stop and hurry up to Gui's. They can hear Gui's little sister chasing their cat through the apartment, and the television is on low in the background.

"Mama!" A little girl cries out as they walk inside. "Hwell and Gui are here! Mama, make Gui take me downstairs!"

"You let your brother be," A voice floats in from the kitchen. "Guillermo, come in here and say hello to your mama."

They make their way through the obstacle course living room and into the kitchen. Gui's mama wraps an arm around his shoulders and presses a kiss to the top of his head. "Como estas, Joel?" she asks, and Joel smiles.

"Bien Mariana, gracias. Dinner smells great."

She chuckles. "Of course it does mi jito." Gui wiggles out of her embrace and she motions for Joel to step forward. She pulls him in for a tight hug and then, before he can get comfortable, she boxes his ear hard.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You don't need to be fighting, Joel. You know better than that, and to get arrested, too? Aie. You be careful. Don't you end up like that boy over there, you hear?"

"Mama! You tryin' to say I'm good for nothing?" Gui jumps down off of the counter he was perched on and starts stirring the chile furiously. "See, I work hard here!" He lowers his voice conspiratorially. "She tells lies, Joel, you can' believe her."

"You! Out, out!" she bats Gui in the direction of the door. "Take your sister downstairs to Fernando's; she wants to stay the night with her cousins."

Joel starts to follow but Mariana rests a hand on his arm. "Stay here; help me roll these empanadas, Joel." He glances at Gui who shrugs and disappears into the living room. They hear him shouting for his little sister and then a few moments later the apartment falls silent.

"Aie, Joel, you're so skinny." Mariana clucks and shakes her head. "What does that Mr. Ford feed you, anyway?"

"Oh, well." Joel shrugs and focuses on rolling out the thin dough. "He feeds me alright. I guess I just run around a lot or something..."

"Growing boys still should have meat on their bones," she says softly. "But you come over here any time you're hungry, yes? Lord knows we don't have a lot but you need a mama, and you're family to us, mi jito."

Joel looks up at her and smiles a little. Her warm eyes are wrinkled with concern at the corners and she's frowning. "Thank you. It means a lot to me." He puts down the glass he was using to roll the empanadas and gives her a brief hug.

"I worry about you, you know. You have a bright future ahead, little Hwell. You take care of that, don't you get in any more trouble. I couldn't stand for that, from Gui or from you."

The front door opens and Joel steps back. "I'll take care of us both, Mariana. I promise."

She pinches his cheek and chuckles. "That's a good boy, Joel. You make a mama proud."

*

Benji stares into the fridge. Everything looks so damn good, it's ridiculous. Food should not be this tempting, not to normal people. With a sigh he settles on a snack sized bag of baby carrots and some ranch dressing. He knows that he's really not that hungry, there's just something that makes him think that he is.

He's always been like that, and for a really long time he was a pudgy little kid. But when he was little he didn't know that he wasn't really hungry; all he knew was that his tummy hurt and that food helped it stop.

He was teased quite a lot for being the fat kid up until a year or so ago when he started losing weight. Most of it was a mental thing - he just figured out when he was and when he wasn't hungry. When his body was just thinking it was hungry. He seemed to be getting a little more fit, too, though he wasn't working out or doing anything different.

Whatever the case, he wasn't going to complain.

It seems like he's been replacing his weird craving for food with even stranger dreams though. They started out violent, fights in which he was insanely outnumbered, bleeding and hospitals and swollen eyes.

But then, a few months ago, one of them turned sexy. He could still remember every detail - it was as if he'd been there, really been there. Not just a dream, but he could still feel every inch of skin under his fingertips, every kiss, every whisper of lips on lips.

And it had been with a boy, too. Up until then he hadn't really thought of himself as gay, but that dream had really made him think. He still wonders about it; he can't figure out who it was he had sex with in the dream, but now he can't stop thinking about boys.

There had been something about it, though. That boy, that boy who's name was Jason, though Benji didn't know any Jasons really, had sucked Benji's dick like a professional. At least it seemed like it, he really didn't have much to compare it to, but Benji remembered threading his fingers through soft brown hair, closing his eyes tightly and letting the sensation flood through him.

And the way that boy looked when he pulled up, lips wet and swollen, and asked to be fucked. And of course Benji, being fourteen and horny and apparently very much into boys in this dream, said yes. He remembers the sex being weird and kind of uncomfortable, and very messy, but the way it felt, the way he felt when he was inside of that other boy, the way it felt to make him groan and scream like that was amazing.

He'd woken up with stained underwear and a killer blush. And now all he can think about is how nice some boys looked at school, and how much he'd like to kiss them, how much he'd like to see their lips all wet and swollen and beautiful.

He sighs and finishes the last of his carrots before heading into his bedroom to finish his homework. If he keeps thinking about that dream, though, he may have to relieve some tension first.

Wide Awake chapter five

2005-02-15T07:10:19Z

Title: Wide Awake
Chapter: 5/5
Overall rating: NC-17
Fandom: Good Charlotte
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: Not mine; never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Where the hell have I been?/Sleeping, lost, and numb./So glad that I have found you./I am wide awake and heading home. - from Jimmy by Tool
A/N: All done! Hope you guys have enjoyed the story, I know I did. Huge thanks to zlobnaya for the hot beta action and the plotting and the squeeing. :D <3

| one | two | three | chapter four

I'm in Vegas. I returned my rental car and am taking a cab over to the venue. I feel nauseated; I haven't eaten all day and just thinking about what I have to do soon is making me want to vomit. Somehow I manage to keep my composure. I hand the cab driver some money and climb out of the car, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I know what I have to do now. And it's gonna suck beyond the telling of it but I'm ready.

Joel is the first person I see when I step onto the bus. He jumps to his feet, the magazine he was reading sliding to the floor. "Hey," I say and he wraps his arms around me in a fierce hug.

"Benji! Are you okay?" he asks against my neck and I nod.

"Yeah, Joel. I'm... well. I'll be alright."

He's not letting go, just clinging to me. "If you ever fucking leave like that again, I'm going to give you the beatdown of a lifetime." I feel like my bones are about to crack and I pull back a little, kissing his cheek lightly.

"I'm sorry." He pulls me close for another hug and I can't help but smile. When he finally lets go again, he inspects me closely; his eyes moving all over my body, making sure I'm still all in one piece. "Is Paul around?" I ask softly.

Joel's eyes darken a little. "You sure that's a good idea right now? You just got back. Maybe at least cool down or something? Talk about shit or whatever?"

I feel another hug coming on and try to move past him. "Joel, I really need to settle this stuff right now." I look him in the eyes and manage a small smile. "It'll be okay."

He looks like he's really battling with letting me by, but finally gives in, stepping to the side. I rest my hand on his shoulder briefly and then step past him towards the back.

Paul and Billy are playing video games when I poke my head through the door. They both look up and Billy sets his controller to the side quickly. "Hey Benji! Glad to see you back." He glances between Paul and I and then stands up. "I'll um. Go see what Joel's doing."

He gives my arm a squeeze on his rush out to the front and it's just Paul and I, glancing at each other. He clears his throat. "Look, Benji, I should probably - "

"Wait," I interrupt him. "Don't say anything, let me just get this out, okay?" He nods and I move to sit down in front of him, looking at him but avoiding his eyes. "Okay, so. I know this has been so hard for you, and I'm sorry I made it harder." Paul starts to speak, but I plow ahead, intent on getting this out as quickly as possible. I've rehearsed it a thousand times in the last few days. "I don't want you to feel weird or guilty, I want you to be happy and live your life. And I'm going to be cool with that, I'm going to try."

I glance up and Paul's staring at my hands, and I realize that they're shaking. I just glance back up at him and try to give him a smile, a real one. "I might not be like you remember, but I'll try. I just want for you to be happy, 'cause I lo- 'cause you're my friend."

I swallow thickly and nod once, and before he can reply I stand and make my way to my bunk.

*

Paul watches Benji leave, his mind reeling. That didn't go how he'd expected at all - really he'd thought there'd be more talking. He's a little overwhelmed, because through all of that little speech, the only thing he could think about was taking Benji's shaking hands into his own. Just holding them and running his fingertips over Benji's palms, soothing him, calming him down.

He closes his eyes tightly and buries his face in his hands. That slip-up of Benji's rattled him as well. Billy had mentioned things before, about Benji being in love, but Paul hadn't ever really thought about that. He never really figured that Benji actually did love him. Like maybe they just fucked around or something. He'd tried to convince himself of that, anyway.

He'd realized in Phoenix that he never gave the relationship even the slightest chance. He sat up in those stands watching kids fill the place thinking about all of the shit that he must have put Benji through. Thinking about really, how very hard all of this must be for his best friend.

But even then he hadn't really thought about Benji, and now, suddenly, he is. He's thinking about Benji, Benji's hair and eyes and hands and maybe even his lips. He's wondering if maybe it's such a crazy idea, being with Benji. Holding him. Touching his eyelashes. Kissing him.

Except that Benji's just let him go. Benji just ripped his own heart out and handed it to Paul, and now Paul has no idea what to do with it. He can't even really imagine how hard all of this has been, up until now, and this is probably the bravest thing he's ever seen someone do. Suck it up in the interests of making someone he loves happy.

He thinks his own heart may have just broken along with Benji's.

*

"Hey Benji, you holding?" Paul asks as he plops down onto his couch. Benji shakes his head and closes his eyes.

"Naw man, I gotta cut that shit out for awhile." He glances up at Paul and then rubs his thumb and forefinger together. "No dinero. Plus I gotta go to work in a bit."

Paul nods and sits back, staring up at the ceiling. "So how you guys holding up and shit? I haven't talked to you in awhile."

"We're um." He shrugs noncommittally. "We'll be alright I guess. We keep getting shut off notices for the power and water and shit, but Joel and I got a couple extra jobs so maybe that'll help."

"That's a bummer dude." Paul glances over at him.

"Yeah." He licks his lips and then glances over at Paul. "Hey like, you think Joel and I might be able to crash here for awhile? I mean if some really bad shit goes down or something?"

"Yeah dude, of course. My parents think you guys are the good ones, I don't think they'd care."

Benji nods silently and pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket. "Got a pen?" he asks and Paul tosses one over to him. He unfolds it and Paul sees it's his paycheck. He signs the back quickly and then shoves it back into his pocket.

"Giving all of it to your mom again?" Paul asks and he nods.

"Yeah. She needs it more than me."

Paul nods silently and wishes he could help out somehow too. But the twins would never just accept money that someone else worked for, he knew that. Benji's on the verge of dropping out of high school and working full time to help his mom, he talks about it all the time, but Paul knows that he really wouldn't. That would upset his mom more than anything - she wants them to be successful, she wants to feel like she raised good kids, and they know that.

Paul wonders sometimes if he'd be that brave in their situation. He hopes that he would.

*

No one's really said anything the rest of the day. The band is scheduled to play at two o'clock and it's twelve-thirty and Paul hasn't seen Benji since he disappeared into his bunk at nine. Paul's still sitting in the back when Billy comes knocking on the walls. "Hey guys! We gotta head back stage."

Paul stands up and gives him a little smile, and as he walks towards the front Benji climbs out of his bunk in front of him. Paul drops back a step, giving Benji some space, but his eyes are drawn to his best friend. The way his lip rings catch sunlight when he turns to say hi to Joel, the way his hair is mussed up in the back, the way he flinches when Billy brushes past him.

When they take the stage later, Paul is acutely aware of how different this Benji is - he shies away from his microphone, hanging out near the drums while Joel works his magic on the crowd. It's really sad, actually; Paul clearly remembers Benji jumping around on stage, laughing in the mic with Joel, goofing around like a crazy person.

Benji turns around at one point and their eyes meet briefly before Paul flicks his gaze to the side. He thinks about how much things have changed and wonders how things can end up so strange without anyone meaning them to.

After they play, Paul walks up to Benji while he's putting up his guitar. "Hey man," he says with a little smile.

"Hey," Benji replies. He looks a little perplexed. "What's up?"

"Nothing really." Paul slings his guitar case over his shoulder. "What're you up to tonight?"

Benji just stares at him for a moment. "Um. I don't know. Why?"

Paul shrugs. He'd really just been trying to make conversation, he wanted to just test the water, see how Benji was feeling. "I was just wondering. No reason, really."

"Um." Benji stuffs his hands into his pockets and sucks his bottom lip between his teeth for a second. "Okay. I'll uh. See you later." Paul watches Benji walk away and he realizes how very tiny he is.

*

Paul watches Benji cocoon himself over the next couple of weeks. He pretty much plays his guitar, does the show, and disappears into his bunk. Paul really doesn't see how this is any different then before Benji's little disappearing act before Vegas, but he's not sure what he can say about it.

Joel has been looking more and more unhappy about this situation as well, so Paul's taken to hanging out with the other bands whenever he can. He's sure that's not helping Benji any, knowing that Paul is out doing who knows what, but he just needs to feel like he's in a normal situation sometimes.

*

Tony Lovato calls me up in the middle of the night about two weeks after the Vegas show. He starts babbling right away about touring with Blink and Chelsea and how the band is doing and I listen, half awake. And then, suddenly, without any segue at all he asks about Paul.

I stumble my way through some half-assed answer, knowing that he probably knows most of the story anyway - the car accident, the amnesia, the ensuing heart-ache accompanied with all of that. He listens patiently and then, of course, tells me to fuck off and tell him the truth.

Somehow I manage to get through the entire story without my voice even cracking, and when I'm finished there's a long pause. And, predictably, Tony manages to work a sex joke in. I don't know how he does it, but that bastard can turn anything into a dirty joke. Anything. Without pause he cracks another, and another. I can't help but laugh softly after a minute and he sounds pleased.

We end up jawing about things for close to an hour after that, until I realize that I have to perform in four hours and really should sleep.

*

Tony and I have been talking a lot now lately. He's very distracting, which is something I definitely need right now. He's loud, foul mouthed, spontaneous - all the things I haven't been lately.

Paul comes up and starts to talk to me once in awhile, but I've really been working on giving him his space. I avoid eye contact and try not to react too much to the things he says. He needs to know that I'm not going to get in his personal space or try and hold him back.

Tony thinks that I made the wrong decision, that if I really love him I wouldn't let him go so easily. I don't think he knows what he's talking about though; he has no idea what's going on in my head. If this had been just a lovers' spat I'd understand more, but it's not. It's completely different.

I'm feeling a little better lately - I'm hanging out with people more than before and I'm laughing sometimes. Even when Paul's hovering around I manage to enjoy myself. I do still have trouble sleeping sometimes, but it's all part of the terrain I guess. I know Joel has noticed, he asks me if I'm okay every morning. I'm getting annoyed; I snapped at him this morning and stormed off the bus. Of course I'm not fucking okay, but I'm pretending well enough and he should accept that.

Tony told me yesterday that in fifty years it wouldn't matter anyway 'cause we'd all be dead and hell right now we'd be better off stockpiling food to prepare for the inevitable breakdown of society that'll come with the total depletion of our fossil fuels.

I told him he was full of shit - Tony's the last person in the world to give people advice on how to plan ahead. It did kind of put things into perspective though; at least now I have a peak oil crisis to look forward to.

This really isn't getting much easier.

*

Paul's been watching Benji come out of his shell a little. Benji's been talking to Tony, he talks about it sometimes when he's actually around. It's been a nice change to see him out and doing things again, but Paul wishes that they could hang out together more. Every time he shows up, Benji seems to close up and push him away.

About two weeks after they started talking so much, Tony shows up. Paul's not really sure what to make of this - Tony's loud and obnoxious, and yeah he's funny, but he seems to be turning a slightly cold shoulder in Paul's direction. He actually manages to get Benji off the bus several nights in a row, and Paul can't help but follow them at a reasonable distance. He just wants to see Benji happy again.

They all end up at the edge of the field they just finished playing in. The bands are having a little post-show barbeque to raise gas money for a couple of unsigned groups, and Tony and Benji have been talking for close to an hour. They're standing close together and Paul knots his brow when he sees Tony brush Benji's arm with his fingertips.

He wonders for a second if he's allowed to be jealous; after all, he was the one who wrote this all off to begin with. But Tony leans forward and whispers into Benji's ear, and when Paul sees the smile that spreads across Benji's face, he figures fuck it and makes his way over.

"Hey guys," he chirps brightly. Tony raises his drink in a hello and Benji just raises his eyebrows. "What's up?"

Benji shrugs. "Just hanging out. Um. You?"

"Nothing really." Paul smiles at Benji. "I was talking to Jeremy and he said I'm supposed to ask you what happened in Cleveland last year."

"Cleveland?" Benji's frowns thoughtfully and then suddenly smiles. "Oh dude! That night was pretty awesome, actually. We were all bored and you guys were kinda drunk, and... "

Paul zones out a little as Benji speaks - he'd actually already heard the whole story earlier, but his plan to distract Benji was working well. He glances up at Tony who's looking at him with raised eyebrows but then Benji laughs and Paul feels something awaken inside of him. He realizes as Benji takes a sip of water that his best friend really is pretty beautiful.

*

Hey Benji, wait up!" I glance back and see Paul walking towards me. Tony sighs softly beside me, but I stop walking anyway. Paul walks up to us with a grin. "Whatcha doin' guys?"

"Not much," I reply. "Heading to get food."

He nods. "Want any company?"

"I glance at Tony quickly and then nod. "Sure."

We start back towards the food. "So what did you guys do last night?" Paul asks. I blink and look over at him, and he's got this tiny frown like he's thinking really hard or bothered by something.

"Not much. Why?"

"Oh, just. You know." I see his eyes dart between Tony and I quickly. "Wondering."

"Okay." I frown and watch as Paul maneuvers himself between us, then glance up at him sharply and catch him staring again. What the fuck.

"So Tony slept in your bunk last night?" he asks suddenly, and when I glance over again he's staring hard at Tony, who's looking back, pissed.

Tony flicks his cigarette in front of us. "What the hell do you care?"

"Jesus, I was just asking. Back off."

Tony stops in his tracks and grabs Paul's wrist. "No, you know what, fuck you, man. You wanna do this? You wanna fight me for him? Let's fucking go."

Paul shakes himself free from Tony's grip and takes a step back, almost crushing my toes under his shoe. "I don't wanna fight you, man."

"Oh sure you do. You want to do this, prove you're a real man, right? You want to fuck me up right now 'cause I'm stealing your precious Benji from you. Do you even like him, man? Have you even looked at him?" Tony steps forward, up into Paul's face. "I don't think you've even thought about what you're missing, asshole."

Paul frowns angrily. "Hey, fuck you Tony. You wanna make this shit that personal?" His eyes dart from Tony's face to the shocked look on mine and that's when Tony swings and catches Paul in the jaw. Paul recovers quickly and swings back, landing a heavy blow to Tony's gut and another to his mouth. Tony stumbles back and spits blood onto the pavement and I jump between them quickly.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" I see Paul step forward but shake my head quickly. "No, just get the fuck out of here Paul."

He looks about to argue but I close my eyes and wave my hand dismissively. When I open them again he's got a defeated look on his face and he turns and storms off.

"Are you okay?" I ask, turning to Tony.

He nods and laughs softly. "Yeah man, I'm fine." He spits again. Paul must have hit him really fucking hard. "Go check on Paul okay? And tell him no hard feelings if he buys me a beer later." He winks and I frown.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask.

"Just go see how he's doing. Christ, you're fucking dense."

I sigh and turn around in time to see Paul disappear onto the bus. I trot over and peek inside, checking for the others too. "Paul?" I climb up inside and find him examining his jaw in the mirror.

"What?" he snaps.

"Just." I grit my teeth. "What the fuck were you doing back there Paul? Why in the hell would you pick a fight with Tony?"

Paul bristles a little. "Hey, in my defense, he started it."

I sigh and shake my head. "Whatever, fine. Forget it." I start to walk away when he wraps his fingers around my wrist.

"I'm sorry, Benj, just. Can I say something?"

My throat goes dry and I shake my head slowly. "Look I don't think there's much to say really. I'm sorry it's still weird or whatever, but-"

"God damnit Benji!" he interrupts suddenly. I take a small startled step backwards. "Let me talk for once! You keep interrupting and putting words in my mouth and if you would pull your head out of your ass and pay attention you'd see that I'm stupid in love with you!"

"What?" I'm staring at him completely stunned. "But the girl. And you've been off partying and everything, and..." I shake my head quickly and start to back away from him, intent on getting as far away from here as possible.

"After you left I thought a lot." He steps forward and rests his hands on my shoulders. It's such an achingly familiar gesture and I feel my resolve melting quickly. "I thought about how we used to be best friends right, always hanging out and doing everything together and just fucking around. And how much I missed you since I woke up, we never talked or anything and there was just this... like, hole, I guess.

"And I thought about how hurt you've been, and when you told me what you did in Vegas and you were shaking all over, all I could think about was pulling you into my arms and it felt really, really right thinking that. I love you, I really do."

He's standing here telling me everything I've wanted to hear for months and my strongest impulse is to run. I tense up, preparing to push away but the pressure on my shoulders increases just a little and he's leaning forward and I'm completely frozen. It suddenly occurs to me that this might have been what Tony was talking about just now - I may have just been set up by my friend.

Paul's lips brush mine really softly and I exhale slowly. He presses more firmly and this is our first kiss as far as he remembers; a part of me thinks I should make this one worth holding on to, so I kiss back. I tilt my head and part my lips slightly and just the tip of his tongue presses into my mouth.

He has his eyes closed and I shiver just slightly when he moves his hand up to my neck. "Benj," he mumbles against my mouth. "You're beautiful."

I swallow thickly and pull back, looking up into those deep brown eyes. "Just. Are - are you sure this is what you want?" I ask softly.

He pulls me back into his arms and presses firm but gentle kisses against my lips. You," he says between kisses, "Are such," another kiss, "A bonehead." And then he opens his mouth over mine and this is everything I've ever wanted. I wrap my arms around his neck and slide my tongue against his eagerly.

I'm not gonna worry about anything right now. Joel's going to be pissed, but I don't care. There are a million things we're going to have to work out, but not until later. Right now I've got Paul in my arms again and it's perfect.

*

(epilogue)

I walk up behind Paul and rest my chin on his shoulder. He's talking to Billy about something, a new video game I think, but I can't really bring myself to pay attention. I'm just overwhelmed by how extremely comfortable Paul is in my arms. We've been back together for a little over a month now and it's been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences.

We had to start over, of course. Kissing and touching, relearning each other's bodies. He had no idea about me, and I think I've scared him a few times, knowing what I know to get him excited. We haven't really done a whole lot beyond kissing and excited touching, but it's... it's amazing, I guess is the best word for it.

Joel's upset, and I get it. He doesn't want me to get hurt again, and I'm glad he's got my back. And yeah, sometimes I still get sad thinking about the things we did together before, stuff he'll never remember. Re-teaching him everything about me. But I'm willing to deal with it, because he's with me; when I lay down at night, I have him to curl up beside.

He turns to look at me after a minute and I smile and kiss him lightly. "You got a minute?" I ask and he nods and takes my hand. I lead him into the back, sit him down and stand awkwardly in front of him, my hands stuffed into my pockets.

"So," I say softly. "I have something for you. I got it a long time ago, I was going to give it to you the night of your accident actually, but that happened and I just didn't get a chance until now. I know it probably won't mean as much; since you only really remember like a month with me, but today is kind of important to me and I really want you to have this."

I pull out the box I've been carting around with me for months and hand it to him. He looks at me quizzically as he opens it and then his eyes drop to the silver watch inside. He picks it up slowly, his eyes traveling over the face.

"I know it's not real special or anything, but... "

"Shut up, Benji," he interrupts. "It's perfect." He pulls me down beside him and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of my mouth. "I love you too."

Wide Awake chapter four

2005-02-07T08:22:38Z

Title: Wide Awake
Chapter: 4/5
Overall rating: NC-17
Fandom: Good Charlotte
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: Not mine; never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Where the hell have I been?/Sleeping, lost, and numb./So glad that I have found you./I am wide awake and heading home. - from Jimmy by Tool
A/N: huge thanks to zlobnaya for the hot beta action and the plotting and the squeeing. :D <3

| one | two | three |

Paul wakes up one morning sore as hell. He really wants nothing more than to stay in bed all day and just sleep away his pain but he knows they're doing some crucial recording and he can't leave the guys hanging. He rolls over slowly, groaning, and reaches for the glass of water on his table and the bottle of Advil right beside it.

There's a crash from the kitchen and Paul cringes. This already sucks. Benji must be doing something in the kitchen, and Paul has no reason to be but he's suddenly so cranky he can barely see straight. He stomps towards the bathroom, slamming the door a little harder than necessary and leans forward, bracing himself against the wall while he pees. There's another crash from the kitchen and he squeezes his eyes closed. Why can't anyone be fucking quiet in the mornings?

He stumbles back to his room and pulls on a pair of pants and a clean shirt and then stomps into the kitchen. Benji's there, leaning over something on the stove and he startles a little when Paul comes in. "Uh, morning Paul."

Paul grunts a hello and pours a cup of coffee, hoping the caffeine will help with the headache that's starting to form behind his eyes. He plops down at the table, staring grumpily into his cup.

"You uh, you want some breakfast? I can make some eggs real fast... " Something sputters on the stove and Benji jumps.

"I can make my own fucking breakfast, thanks," Paul replies angrily. He's sick of people treating him like a fucking infant. He lost some memories, not his legs or something.

Benji stands completely still for a moment and Paul wonders if he's gonna say something back. He would have before, he'd have had some bitchy come back and things would have been fine. But this time Benji nods once and turns off the burners before quickly leaving. Paul glances around at the small mess still on the counter and the half-eaten bagel sitting next to a mostly empty glass of orange juice.

"Fuck." He leaves his coffee where it is and grabs his jacket. Maybe someone will force-feed him lunch, too.

*

Somehow I make it through band practice. I try my hardest to avoid Paul - obviously he doesn't want me around him at all, not after the way he snapped this morning. I know I'm probably reading too much into that shit but fuck, it hurt. I just wanted to try and smooth shit over and he snapped like I asked to eat his dog or something.

He doesn't really make any indication that he wants to talk to me anyway, so I get all my parts done quickly and efficiently and duck out of the studio. Joel tries to stop me as I go but I brush him off, saying I've got some shit to do before we leave town and I want to get it taken care of now.

Tonight is actually my last appointment at the tattoo shop. I've been going down there at least once a week for the past few months - at first it was just a really good excuse to lose some frustration in the pain, but I really got to like hanging out with the guys there now. I spent most of my free time there actually, which wasn't a lot, but enough to keep me distracted.

In fact, when I'm here, I really don't think about Paul or Joel or the band or anything much. I talk about it some with the people here, but not so much that it gets me down. I've been getting pretty good at keeping my mind off of things lately. I can pretty much tune out anything that Paul is doing, which might not be really healthy or whatever, but it helps. It keeps me sane, I think.

One of the other regulars to the shop, Tom, he and I started talking cars one night. He works on older ones as a hobby, and that's something I've always been interested in. Tonight he's sitting on the counter flirting with Diana, the piercer, and I just smirk and toss my jacket at him.

Dave's ready for me in the back already; he calls me in and I sit down, my arm resting on the table. He's putting the finishing touches on the grave tattoo I'm getting. "So y'all are leavin' on tour, huh?" he asks and I nod, closing my eyes when the needle starts to whir. I love the thrill that comes with this, it's amazing.

"Yeah. Leaving next week, actually, it should be... interesting."

Tom walks in and flops down into the chair in front of me. "Man, I bet you get some pretty fine fucking ladies working that gig, huh?" I shrug nonchalantly and he just smirks. "Well, I know you're all recovering from love trauma and shit but uh. You know, you see something particularly fine, maybe you could hit it in my honor, huh?"

I laugh softly. "I'll see what I can do."

He starts talking about the engine he's putting together and I listen attentively, throwing in the occasional comment. I've really learned a lot from this guy, he's amazing; I've even started working on an old car of mine recently.

After the tattoo is finished and Dave's taken some pictures for his portfolio, I hang out and talk for a couple more hours. I end up promising the guys I'll send postcards or naked chicks, whichever I find first, and I leave the shop in better spirits than I have been for months.

*

The first day on tour is insane. It always kind of is, but it feels even more so now. Stuck on a bus with all these people and Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul. I haven't said more than a sentence to him in months and now suddenly I have to look at him for hours and weeks and then three months. The numbers are staggering to me, but I figure I've got to suck it up and make do. This is my job and I have to be professional.

Within a week, I notice little changes. We're so close that we're forced to talk a little, and he seems to be less careful around me, like maybe he's forgotten about the whole thing. I don't know; I'm still trying not to think about it. I bury my face in magazines about cars or guitars, blaring whatever new band I've found on my Discman and avoiding people as much as possible.

One of the first days out, Paul asked why we didn't have "Say Anything" on any of our set lists and I cringed. How am I supposed to tell him that I wrote that song about him? How the hell can he not know that I wrote that song about him? But he's so fucking clueless sometimes, he always has been. I used to think it was cute, but now it's just aggravating.

Joel had cleared his throat and said that we just weren't really ready to play it live. We barely practiced it together - there's no way I can listen to that song - much less perform it, with Paul right beside me.

I stay in the bus all the time when we're not playing, just reading and listening to music. Watching movies and playing video games, talking to Joel some. But my brother went out and found himself a girlfriend at some point - actually when Paul was still in the hospital, I think. I realized one night during recording that I had been so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn't even know the girl's name, or what she looked like.

She turns up for shows every now and then, mostly on weekends. I guess she's alright, but I'm not really interested in becoming fast friends with someone else right now. That's way too much to deal with, and apparently I'm a surly asshole when I think too much.

I've also been working hard to ignore Paul for the most part, mostly because I don't want to crowd him or make him upset with me. But I still notice that he's taken to touring really well; he's just like he used to be. He's hanging out every night, drinking and listening to stories, flirting shamelessly with girls, joking around constantly. He's still a little reserved, but I think mostly it's because he just doesn't remember a lot of the people he's hanging out with now.

I've seen him talking really close to chicks on a couple of occasions now and I try my hardest not to let it get to me. It always does, though, every time I see him laugh just a little longer than usual at something some girl says, every time he bums a drag off of some girl's cigarette, even though he's mostly quit smoking. I don't think the other guys notice really, or they don't say anything. It's just like old times after all - they're all really relieved to be back into a more normal routine.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself from all of that, it still hurts.

We're two and a half weeks into Warped when I'm walking between buses and see Paul with his tongue down someone's throat. Someone who isn't me. Someone with tits and long hair. He's got his fingers tangled in her hair and I can see a flash of tongue when he turns his head.

I think my heart just moved into my stomach permanently. I feel like I'm rooted to the spot, but I can't watch this. I can't watch my ex-boyfriend, the man I love, make out with some fucking groupie. I turned away from the flirting and giggling, but this... I see his eyes flutter open for a second and that's it. I turn and start to jog towards the bus, not sure what I'm going to do, just intent to get as far away from that as possible.

"Benj," I hear Joel say to my right, and I turn and glance at him. His face falls immediately and I must look pretty upset. "Hey what's up?"

I shrug and clear my throat. "Paul and. And some girl back there were like making out and shit, I just. I'm gonna go... lay down or something."

"What?" Joel looks horrified. "What the hell?"

Then I hear that low voice behind me, the one thing that could completely break me right now. "Hey Benji, um. We should talk."

Joel steps around me quickly and I turn in time to see him step up into Paul's face. "What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fucking hell were you thinking?"

Paul looks momentarily taken aback and then frowns. "Hey, who the hell are you to be pissed off right now?" He folds his arms across his chest and leans forward a little, trying to be menacing.

"I'm his brother, man," Joel spits out, and he clenches his fists tightly at his sides. "You fucking asshole, you just blew him off when you woke up, just put it aside like all of this shit would just fucking go away. Well, news flash, it's not gonna just go away, okay? You - "

"Hey this has been hard for me too! You think losing my fucking memory is a walk in the park? Fuck dude, this is fucking hard as hell!" Paul interrupts, and I squeeze my eyes closed and step forward.

"Guys, cut it out."

Joel ignores me and raises his hand, shoving Paul's shoulder. His face is flushed and I can practically hear his body thrumming with pent-up anger. And people say I have temper problems. "Oh fuck you; we all know this is hard on you. But god damnit, he was your boyfriend, do you understand that? He was your fucking - "

"Hey!" I grab Joel's arm and tug him backwards. "Stop yelling at Paul, it's not his fault," I say softly, and Joel turns to me, his eyes full of anger.

"What the hell Benji? He just ripped your fucking heart out and you're standing here defending him?"

"Don't yell at him!" Paul says suddenly in my defense and I shake my head, turning my eyes downward.

"Just. Stop. Please?"

I can see Joel clenching his teeth and then he nods once and drops his arms to his sides. "Fine. Whatever." He turns around and stalks towards the entrance to the park.

"Benj," Paul says softly, stepping forward and I take a quick step back, away from him.

"No. Just... not now. No." I shake my head and start backing toward our bus. I don't really know what I'm gonna do right now, but I'm pretty sure it entails getting the hell out of here for a little while.

*

Paul walks back to the bus slowly. After the fight he'd gone to hang out with the No Use For A Name guys, just sitting back and talking about shit. Apparently they'd become pretty tight the year before, but obviously Paul can't remember any of that. He has a few beers and bums a couple of cigarettes from people - he's still getting back into the swing of smoking and knows that really he should just quit, but it's such an ingrained habit for him right now, and it helps distract him.

Really, he's trying his hardest not to think about the look on Benji's face when he saw the girl. That look had cut Paul right to the bone, that look of complete betrayal, shock, anger, desperation, sadness. Every bad emotion imaginable, all wrapped up into one look.

Bus call is in half an hour, so he takes his time heading back, meandering between buses and waving to people he recognizes. The lights are on, but he can't see anyone on the GC bus through the windows. He climbs up and walks towards the back, peeking in bunks on the way.

Joel is sitting in the back, his face blank, and suddenly Paul is worried. "Um, hey Joel. Where is everyone?"

Joel sits forward slowly, steepling his fingers in front of his face. "They're... around." He licks his lips slowly and motions beside him. "Have a seat, Paul."

Paul isn't really sure he wants to; Joel is a little more serious than usual and this is probably going to end in more drama, but he sits down anyway, across from Joel. "Where's Benji?"

"That's a very, very good question," Joel replies and Paul's stomach drops. "I have a note here saying he's just going to take a couple of days off, meet back up with us in Vegas. Just clear his head, just get out on his own for awhile." Paul swallows thickly, glancing from the note to Joel's eyes. He opens his mouth to speak and then Joel lunges forward, grabs the front of his shirt and yanks him to his feet. Paul's so startled he goes along with it, wincing when his back hits the wall hard.

"You need to fucking fix this when we get to Vegas, or I will personally break every bone in your body. Do you understand me?" Paul's staring into Joel's eyes and suddenly he's not really sure his friend is sane. He swallows again and nods slowly.

"Uh, yeah. Dude I'll try." Joel's breath is hot on Paul's neck and he's just staring, that crazy look still burning in his eyes.

"No try. You. Will. Fix. It." Joel twists Paul's shirt more tightly in his hand and their faces are less than an inch apart. "Do you understand? This is not a request. You will fix this. And you will do it by the time we leave Vegas."

Paul nods quickly, more terrified than anything right now. "Yes! Yes, I get you, I'll fix it!"

"Good." Joel lets go finally, shoving Paul back against the wall again as he does. "That's real good, Paul." He turns around, snatching the note from the seat and crawls into his bunk. Paul is left staring after him.

*

The next day is Phoenix, Arizona. Peoria Sports Complex. No one really likes playing Phoenix - it's too hot, too dusty, too small. But the kids are cool and some great talent comes out of the city. The Authority Zero guys are getting ready to party already and it's eight in the morning - nothing beats a homecoming.

Paul slips past Joel's bunk as soon as he wakes up, not at all interested in trading pleasantries - or barbs - with him this morning. He wanders around the back area for awhile - it's not too hot yet, but it's still early. He helps the merch guys set up some stuff and then heads up into the stands to wait.

He's running the past few months over and over in his head, retracing everything that Benji did or said to him, and suddenly he hates himself just a little. There's big stuff, yeah, the fight in the diner. But little things too, things he should have paid more attention to at the time.

There was the morning that Benji offered to make breakfast, but Paul was tired and sore all over and cranky and he snapped at him, something about he could cook his own fucking eggs. He buries his face in his hands, remembering that it was probably the last time either of them said more than a few words to each other. And there were other small gestures, glances that Paul had ignored; things he had said without thinking that were probably so painful.

He's starting to think that maybe it's not such a crazy idea that he and Benji were together. He's never seen Benji this broken up about anything, even his dad leaving. He was angry for a long time, and acted out stupidly and irrationally sometimes, but this... this is Benji completely broken and Paul realizes that he's the one who did it. He never meant to, but it happened and now there's this ocean of shit between the two of them.

The main stage is almost completely set up when Billy walks up beside him. "Hey man, what's up?"

Paul glances up and shrugs. "Not much. Just thinking."

"Cool." Billy sits down beside him and stares out at the booths being set up on the field below them. "So uh, you and Joel had a fight, huh?"

"Yeah." Paul sighs and leans back in his chair. "Yeah we had it out 'cause Benji saw me making out with someone backstage yesterday and took off."

"Damn." They fall silent for a minute and then Billy speaks. "So. Like what's gonna happen? We've still got all these dates to play and stuff..."

"Yeah, we're not gonna break up the band or whatever, Bill. I just need to find Benji and. Fix things."

"How are you going to do that?"

Paul sighs. "I don't know. I mean, I know it's gotta suck or whatever, but I thought he was kinda getting over it. But yesterday, just. I fuckin' heard his heart break, dude. I can't just go on like nothing happened. Something obviously did, but I don't know what to do."

Billy's silent and Paul closes his eyes and imagines he's somewhere completely different - on a mountain in Colorado maybe, or at the beach. Somewhere where being in a band with his ex-boyfriend and his ex-boyfriend's really, really pissed off brother doesn't matter.

"Well," Billy says after a minute. "We got Max to play Benji's part if we need it, and I guess I'll sing backup 'till he gets back." He stands up slowly and Paul hears his knees pop. "I'm gonna get inside before it gets hot but um, good luck thinking about shit."

"Thanks," Paul mutters. He sits in the stands until they open the doors and kids start pouring into the complex, and by then it's starting to get hot. Someone backstage said it was going to be 110 by early afternoon, and Paul really doesn't want to be around for that.

But he really doesn't want to go back to the bus either. Not right now. Not with Joel there.

All this thinking and really, he's just insanely worried about Benji.

*

Paul and I are at an Olive Garden. He had me get all dressed up and has every intention of paying for everything. He's footing all the bills tonight he said happily and who am I to argue with that, really? Now that we're past all of the angst about Paul being gay, I feel like a giddy fucking schoolgirl. Everything he says makes me want to laugh, every time his fingers brush mine I feel my face flush a little. I know we've got to be careful in public, but damn it, it's hard tonight.

Paul's watching me eat dessert. He's got his eyes totally fixed on my lips, watching the way I lick the ice cream off my spoon. I figure I may as well give him a show, so I make sure to let a little dribble on my chin, sliding my tongue down to capture it all. His eyes go wide and he counts out some bills and slams them onto the table before leaning over and whispering in my ear.

"I'm going to fuck your brains out in about five minutes. It's your choice where we end up by then."

I feel my throat go dry and nod, standing up quickly, making for the door. He's close behind me, I hear him say thank you to our server on the way out. I jump behind the wheel of the car and have it started before he's all the way in. "Excited?" he asks with a grin and I shoot him a glare.

"Don't try and trick me into road head, dude. That's dangerous."

He shrugs, still grinning and slides his hand up my thigh as I pull out. I groan; it's a really good thing our hotel is only two minutes from the restaurant.

We tumble into our room three and a half minutes later, hastily pulling clothes off, our mouths bumping together as we make our way to the bed. He shoves me backwards and I've still got my pants mostly on and my shirt is only half unbuttoned. "God, Benji... " He pulls his clothes off and starts to crawl up my body slowly, running his tongue along every inch of exposed skin. I groan and shove my tongue into his mouth when he reaches my face, my fingers tangled in his hair.

He pulls back after a minute and sits up, unbuttoning my shirt quickly. This is too much for teasing, I'm too turned on and so is he, I know it. He scoots back when my shirt is off and tugs my pants down and off, dipping his head and sucking my cock into his mouth in one smooth motion. I groan and lift my hips from the bed; Paul has totally perfected the art of sucking dick, he seriously has.

I'm cold suddenly and I glance up and see him fumbling for something beside the bed. He returns after a minute and slides one hand up between my legs. His fingers are slick and I pull my knees forward, biting my lower lip as he presses his fingers inside of me. "C'mon, Paul." I groan and grab his arm. "Please... "

He pulls his hand away and scoots forward. He pushes into me pretty quickly, leaning over and thrusting his tongue into my mouth. I gasp and then groan loudly, bucking my hips up. Sweat pops up on my body as he starts to fuck me and I wrap my legs around his waist and thrust back against him. Our mouths slide over skin and lips and tongues and stubble and he wraps his hand around my cock and starts to jerk me off counter to every thrust into my body.

He slows down for a moment, circling his hips and then he slams back into me hard, over and over, hitting my prostate with every single thrust. I cry out, throw my head back and stare blankly at the ceiling as he strokes my cock once more and I come hard. He groans loudly and a moment later he comes as well, collapsing beside me when he's spent.

Our hands travel over each other's slick bodies lazily, tracing little patterns into skin. Paul kisses the shell of my ear and I can feel him smiling. "I fuckin' love you," he whispers.

I think my heart just stopped for a second. I turn my head and catch his eyes. "Love?"

"Yeah." He smiles and kisses me, slow and lazy and perfect. "What the hell did you think we were doing here, bonehead?"

I smile and kiss him again. "I fuckin' love you too, asshole." We roll over and I'm straddling his stomach. I stare down at him, all sweaty and messy and debauched, smiling up at me, and I really don't think I've ever been happier.

*

I rented a car as soon as I left the tour and just started driving. I have no idea where I'm going, I just know I have to get somewhere quiet so I can think. I end up in a little town on the beach in California. I get a room at a little motel and walk down to the beach. The ocean has always made me feel really comfortable, just listening to the tide and seagulls overhead.

I've been wavering between severely pissed off and insanely depressed since I left. I almost punched through a window at a rest stop but knew that I needed my hands to do my job properly.

But lying on the sand in the moonlight, I find I'm mostly just sad. My anger has melted away almost completely, replaced by overwhelming nostalgia. I have all these random memories floating around like little needles on my brain.

I know that I'm going to have to let Paul go; I've known that for a long time now. The hard part is going to be really being okay with it. Thing is, I love him. I love everything about him, I love being around him, I love his voice and his eyes and his hands.

But he's not happy with me anymore, and really above everything else, I love him happy.

I spend the next two days sleeping a lot and working out what I want to say to him when I go back. I rehearse the same few lines over and over in my head like a mantra until I really believe every word, until I know for sure with every part of myself that this is what he needs to hear.

I try not to think too much about what he's doing while I'm gone. I have to force myself to think that I don't care anymore, that his life doesn't have any place for me. And I know that Joel is probably out of his mind worried about me right now, but I turned off my phone.

By the time I leave for Vegas I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm doing this for everyone, I know. Paul and Joel and Billy, they deserve resolution.

Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to breathe properly again, if I'll ever be able to move on, to feel really, honestly happy with anyone but him.

I guess the jury's still out on that one.

Wide Awake chapter three

2005-01-31T16:40:53Z

Title: Wide Awake
Chapter: Three
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Where the hell have I been?/Sleeping, lost, and numb./So glad that I have found you./I am wide awake and heading home. - from Jimmy by Tool
A/N: huge thanks to zlobnaya for the hot beta action and the plotting and the squeeing. :D

I don't really want to go to band practice today, but Joel's making me. He said it'd be good for all of us to get back into the groove, get back to the studio and teach Paul all the stuff he forgot. Whatever, it just means I have to hang out in the same room as Paul for a few hours and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Joel bundles me into his car and drives over to Billy's. All our equipment was stashed there after Paul's accident so we arranged to meet there for practice. I sit still in the car when we pull into the driveway and don't move until Joel comes around to my side, opens the door, and tugs me out.

We walk up to the door, with Joel behind me in case I decide to take off or something, even though at this point I don't think running is in my immediate future. I'm just going to go in and sit quietly and keep to myself and that should be fine.

A part of me is kind of surprised they talked Paul into doing practice right away. I figured he'd still be freaked and sore and stuff. But whatever, I guess Billy told Joel that the physical therapy went well yesterday. That's good. I hate thinking of Paul in pain; that hurts me, as cheesy as it sounds.

Joel lets us in without knocking and we make our way through to the garage where all of our stuff is set up. Billy's picking out his part to The Anthem, and Paul is sitting on an amp in the corner. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and look down at the floor until Joel presses my guitar into my hands.

After that, things come a little more easily. We jam for awhile, Billy playing the bass parts. Paul's watching and relearning all the things we worked on before the accident. When he gets back on his bass it's kind of choppy but Paul's a quick learner. I remember that all too well.

*

We've been making out for half an hour now. I've got my tongue down Paul's throat and my leg slung over his lap and yeah, I'm pretty turned on. I think we've both moved beyond the "oh my god I'm kissing my best friend!" thing, and I want more.

I slide my hand down his chest and start to rub him through his pants. He grunts and pulls back a little. "What are you doing?"

"What does it feel like?" I reply and move forward again, pressing my mouth against his and increasing the pressure on his crotch. He kisses back for a second and then untangles himself from my arms.

"I dunno, Benj. I'm still getting used to this I guess." He stands and licks his lips slowly, and I get up as well. I place both hands on his shoulders and smile.

"Maybe it'd be easier if you just jumped right in, ya know? You can't get as squeamish if you just go for it, 'cause there's less time to question everything."

"I appreciate your concern man but I know I'm not ready now, and I may NEVER be ready for butt sex."

I blink and then shake my head. "How crude." He laughs and I grin. "But seriously, there's other stuff you can do." I lick my lips suggestively and move my hand down again, and his eyes go wide.

"Dude, I don't. I haven't even thought about. That." His voice cracks a little.

I kiss the corner of his mouth. "What's the problem? You've gone down on girls before yeah? It's the same thing."

"Hello, DICK. Not the same at all in any universe."

I smirk. "Well, I can go first if you want. You can take notes."

"Fuck you," he replies with a chuckle and I start pushing him back towards the wall.

"Oh c'mon baby. Let me suck your cock." I give him the dirtiest smile I can muster and push him up against the hotel room wall. His eyes are huge.

"Oh my god. What?"

I unzip his pants in response and slip my fingers inside, my knuckles brushing his cock. He looks like he's about to freak out some more, so I flash that nasty smile again and lean forward, sucking on his neck. I slide his pants down over his hips slowly, nibbling on the sensitive skin on Paul's neck. When I look up at him, he's staring at my mouth, like he can't look away, so I lick my lips and pout just a little, brushing my mouth against the curve of his face.

"Don't know why you're worried," I whisper against his ear. He's standing kind of stiffly against the wall, so I wrap my fingers around him and start to stroke slowly. He exhales sharply and I grin against his ear. "It's so great, Paul, just the heavy weight against my tongue, the texture and the taste." I stroke him more firmly, teasing the tip with my thumb, and I feel him loosening up under my touch. "I'm really looking forward to sucking you off."

Paul sucks in a breath. "Okay," he says softly. I grin and give him one more squeeze before dropping to my knees. He's breathing heavily, fists clenched at his sides, and I smile before licking the head of his cock. I'm already excited for this, and I slip him into my mouth quickly and expertly, teasing with my tongue and fingertips. It's sloppy and it's fun and it's okay and it's Paul.

He keeps making these little noises, moaning and whimpering like he can't help himself when I suck him all the way back down my throat and I feel his hand find its way into my hair. His palm fits against the curve of my skull perfectly and he doesn't push, just sort of holds on to me. It's nice. Unexpected. I'm so hard from this already; just eliciting this sort of excitement from Paul is making me ache. He's bucking up a little under my mouth and I just keep sucking and licking and squeezing.

I feel his fingers tighten in my hair a little and glance up and he's staring down at me. Our eyes meet and Paul gasps once and comes without any warning. I swallow quickly and slide my mouth off of him, licking my lips, still staring up at his face.

Paul looks a little embarrassed; he clears his throat. "Oh shit dude, I'm sorry. I should've said something."

I just smile and lick my lips again. It's Paul and it's okay, so I stand and press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Don't apologize. It was fine."

He cocks his head to the side and pulls me close for a deep kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue, and fuck I love the way Paul kisses. Hot and wet and sloppy and amazing, just fucking amazing.

He rolls his hips a little against mine and I whimper into his mouth, still achingly hard. He slides his hand down my back and then to the front; he starts rubbing me through my pants and I groan and break the kiss. "Fuck," I whisper and I slide the tip of my tongue over his lips slowly. He's staring at me with wide eyes like he's excited and terrified at the same time, so I bite his bottom lip and unzip my pants.

Paul pushes them down over my hips and rubs his palm over my boxers. The pressure and soft fabric against my erection feels amazing, and I roll my hips and slide my tongue into his mouth again. Our bodies are pressed together and he fumbles with my boxers awkwardly for a minute before they're off and he's got his strong fingers wrapped around me. "Paul, God."

He licks his lips, eyes still wide as saucers and then slowly reverses our positions so that I'm back against the wall and he's in front of me. I watch that pink tongue dart out of his mouth again and I buck my hips, aching for more contact with him.

"I uh," he clears his throat and kisses my earlobe, speaking softly. "I don't wanna fuck this up."

"'S okay," I manage and turn my head so that I can kiss him. "I'll talk you through it. Just." I kiss him again firmly. "No teeth."

He chuckles and squeezes my hip tightly. "Thanks asshole. I have had them before you know."

I grin and place my hands on his shoulders, pushing him down. "Well then you should be an expert, right? Get to work."

He settles himself on the floor in front of me and strokes me slowly, staring at my cock warily. "It doesn't bite," I mumble and he glares up at me, pouting a little like he thinks I should be taking this more seriously. I reach down and cup his cheek lightly. "Hey, don't worry. It's just me, it's okay."

A nod and he leans forward and runs the tip of his tongue over the underside slowly. I bite my lip and slide my hand into his hair. I don't push or pull, just hold on lightly. He licks up over the head, sliding his tongue against the slit slowly and I whimper softly. This is going to kill me, first timers are always so gentle, like they think they're going to break you, and it drives me crazy with lust. He licks his lips again and then wraps them around the tip, sucking really lightly, his tongue moving back and forth against my skin.

"Mmmmm." I lick my lips and try to keep myself from bucking forward. "M-more." He glances up at me and then slides more into his mouth, keeping his lips over his teeth. "Yeah," I whisper and this has to be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Paul's lips stretched wetly around my cock, sliding back and forth slowly. He seems to be getting into it more; he's running his tongue over the head in heavy swipes and he moves his head back and forth, creating more friction.

I swear I'm going to explode. He pulls his mouth off of me and starts to lick and suck at the base, just above my balls, and I groan and lay my head back against the wall. "Oh yeah, that's good, Paul. Really, really good." He keeps going and he's stroking me too, teasing the tip with his thumb with every movement.

I'm trembling and I tighten my fingers in his hair. He moves back up and takes as much into his mouth as he can, and I feel him swallow reflexively around the tip. I buck my hips accidentally and he swallows again. "Fuck, Paul, I'm gonna... you gotta..."

He slides his mouth back quickly and replaces it with his hand, stroking me firmly until I come. I groan deeply and feel my body buck forward. He wipes his hand on his boxers and then stands up, pressing his swollen lips against mine. I feel like my brain just exploded through my dick, there's nothing left but this overwhelming urge to kiss him until we die of asphyxiation.

"You're right, Benj," he mumbles against my mouth and I can see a smile in his eyes. "That is fun."

*

I can tell Paul is trying to get my attention all through practice, but I keep my head down and play my guitar and don't talk. I'm probably making things tense for the other guys but right now, I don't care. I'm just trying not to make a scene.

After practice I put my guitar away quickly and am heading for the door when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and it's Paul, just staring at me with those brown eyes of his. "Dude, we should talk," he says softly. I glance around quickly for an escape but Joel and Billy are already scurrying out the door. "Let's go and like, get some food or something?"

I sigh when I hear Joel's car start in the driveway and nod. "Yeah, okay."

We drive to the diner in silence. Paul's driving and I'm just staring out the window at the buildings whizzing by. I hate Los Angeles sometimes, it's so hot and dry and cracked and worn around the edges. I notice all these stupid little things suddenly, like the weeds poking up between the cracks in sidewalks and broken glass in the gutters.

We sit down and I order a coffee. Paul orders a coke and a side of hash browns. I'm playing with my napkin, folding it over and over into strange little patterns until it's completely creased. I'm afraid to look up, to look into Paul's eyes and see that he doesn't love me anymore.

"So, um." Paul clears his throat. "So I guess I'm just kind of wondering what happened that got us together? Like. Did I slip and land on your dick or what?"

I can't help but laugh softly at that. Fucking Paul. "No um. It was right after I quit drinking, and like -"

"Wait, you quit drinking?" Paul asks and I blink.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah I've been sober for like almost a year now." He nods and our stuff shows up. I add a bunch of cream and sugar to my coffee and sip it. "Anyways um, so you were drunk and asked me what it was like to kiss a guy and like we made out. And then we kept doing it and eventually we started doing more than just making out, like we were really comfortable doing other stuff and - " I shrug, still staring down into my coffee. "We could be kinda crazy sometimes I guess," I finish softly.

Paul's silent for a long time. I hear him take a long drink of coke but still don't want to look up. Jesus, this has turned me into such a pussy, but I just but I just can't stand it. He squirms in the booth a little and then sums up the best year of my life in one word. "Weird."

*

Benji flinches and a few drops of coffee spill over the side of his mug. Paul picks at his hash browns. "Is it really that hard to believe?" Paul hears him ask suddenly, his voice shaky and soft. Paul glances up and Benji can't seem to meet his eyes, Benji's are darting all over the table. He's got his hands clenched into tight fists on top of the table. Paul's about to say something when he slides quickly out of the booth and slips out of the diner.

Paul watches Benji leave and swears under his breath. He keeps fucking this up somehow without meaning to. He reaches into his pocket and tosses some money onto the table, then hurries outside. Benji's already long gone though, probably caught a cab or something.

He heads home quickly, weaving through traffic, and he realizes that if he could remember his accident he'd probably be a lot more worried about this sort of thing. When he gets home he calls around the house for Benji but he's not there. "You fucking drama queen," he mumbles under his breath and he grabs his keys. He knows exactly where Benji is.

The door is open at Joel's and Paul just heads in. He figures he used to do this all the time that he can remember, why not now? Joel is sitting in the living room watching The Simpsons, and Paul walks up to him, hands shoved in his pockets.

"I know he's here," he says. Joel nods once and looks up at him.

"Dude, sit down. Simpsons."

Paul sighs and plops down next to Joel. They watch in silence for a while, both chuckling. It's a repeat but really it doesn't matter. The Simpsons is pretty much always good.

"So," Joel says after a little bit. "I know this is rough for you man, but you're breaking his heart."

Paul grits his teeth angrily. "Well, you know, sorry I'm not all fucking gay and shit, but I can't remember the last year. Jesus Christ, this isn't easy for me either."

Joel reaches over and flicks Paul's ear. "Calm down. Shit."

"Goddamnit! That hurt." Paul rubs his ear sullenly. "Cocksucker."

"Dude. I know this is weird and all, but you know. Maybe you could give it a chance."

Paul sighs and shakes his head. "I... I would. But I don't even know where to start." He stands up and starts to leave, his hands in his pockets. "Tell Benj... well. Tell him I didn't mean to hurt him."

Joel hears the front door close softly and closes his eyes. That didn't go quite as well as he'd hoped. He makes his way back into the bedroom where Benji's holed up and climbs into bed beside him. Benji has his face buried in a pillow and his shoulders are shaking a little even though there's no noise. Joel wonders why the world is such a strange place. He wonders how things could be so bad without anyone to be mad at and no way to make it better.

Joel wraps his arm around Benji's waist and pulls him close, and he whispers a silent prayer for his brother.

*

Paul hasn't seen much of Benji since that evening at the diner. He's been going to physical therapy every other day, and trying to keep his shit together. Benji is usually hiding in his room or out doing... whatever it is he does. Paul knows that he should probably be trying more to talk to Benji but it's just hard.

There are days when everything is just completely overwhelming and exhausting and the worst part is that the two people he remembers being closest to - Benji and Aaron - are gone. Joel is always really distracted with Benji and the band and everything. Paul's taken to talking to Billy a lot more, just hanging out at his house reading and sleeping and practicing. He can't help but feel a little sorry for himself sometimes, just thinking about all the shit that he's missed; all the things he's done that he can't remember. His journal hasn't really been much help with anything either. There are a few mentions of he and Benji doing stuff, but it's pretty sketchy. It's like he got to the point where he thought he'd just remember everything forever.

More than anything, he wants his life back. He's been re-introduced to so many people, but their names fly by so quickly he rarely remembers them. Most of them have stories to tell him too - "Hey Paul, there was this time we went out, shit it was like four in the fucking morning and Dom, that guy over there with the blue hair, Dom was drunk out of his fucking MIND man, and you were too, and we - "

He usually nods his way through these encounters, smiling and trying to imagine why he would have been doing anything with these people. He's been getting calls from old friends too, people he hasn't talked to in years, but they want to make sure that he still remembers "that one time in high school" or some monumental achievement when they were five.

He's been working hard with Billy, trying to get back into the music groove. It's really frustrating at times - he feels like his fingers don't move the same any more and he hasn't really gained much weight back yet, so he's just not used to his body at all. But the band is ready to start recording again, and Eric Valentine seems to think he's doing well enough to start.

It's been a few weeks since Paul found out about his relationship with Benji. He and Billy are practicing together, but Paul's having a hard time concentrating. "Joel asked me about Benji today, if he was okay. It must be kinda bad if Joel doesn't know," he says softly.

"So what'd you tell him?"

"The truth, man; I have no idea. I haven't really talked to him in a long time. And Joel got kind of bent over it, like he's my friend and I fucking live with him, what the fuck, right? But he's just never there. I maybe have a chance to get half a hello out before he disappears out the door again or into his room. I just don't know."

Billy nods. "Well, I guess he's still kinda hurting."

"Maybe this is why you shouldn't date your best friend," Paul muses and Billy frowns.

"What do you mean?"

"Just... I mean. Look at Benji and I. I live in the same house as him and I only see him when we're recording really. And shit, all I can remember is when we were best friends, Benji and I did everything together usually. Like played video games and picked on kids at the mall and just." He sighs. "I miss that, kinda."

Billy's quiet for a minute and then shrugs. "I do too, man. But I don't think uh, like you guys dating should ruin shit, ya know? Like, you could fix it if you wanted to badly enough."

Paul thinks about that conversation a lot. Benji's taken to wearing long sleeved shirts constantly and Paul is worried, but he realizes that he doesn't even really know how to talk to Benji any more. He knows that things maybe aren't really, really awful; Benji seems happy when he's playing with his dog, and sometimes Joel can make him crack a smile.

But overall, Paul's really too distracted to spend a lot of time thinking about Benji. The band is getting ready to finish up the album and go on Warped Tour, and he's still trying to put his life back together.

*

"Hey Joel, I started working on something new."

"Yeah?" Joel looks up at his brother. "Is it good?"

Benji shrugs and shoves a couple of loose-leaf papers towards him. Joel pulls them across his table. Benji's still pretty torn up by the whole Paul thing; he's sitting across from Joel staring at his hands. Joel thinks the last time he saw him smile was the day Paul woke up.

This looks like a more final draft of a song - there are only a few blotted out words. Joel starts to read and has to clear his throat thickly. It's heartbreaking.

Don't say a word/I know you feel the same/Just give me a sign/Say anything say anything/Please don't walk away/I know you wanna stay/If you just give me a sign/Say anything say anything....

"Benji, this..." Joel clears his throat again when he reaches the end. "This is really good." Benji's still staring down at his hands. "Do you know how it sounds?"

"Um." Benji bites his lip. "I think there's two bass lines in the beginning, just low and quiet and some strings too. A little guitar but not too much."

Joel nods. "It sounds awesome, we'll have to show it to the guys later." Benji just nods.

"So, like, how are you and Paul doing?" Joel asks and Benji shrugs.

"We're fine." He glances up at Joel. "Why?"

"Just, Paul told me you guys don't really talk anymore and I was kinda worried."

Benji's silent for a second. "Well, what am I supposed to do? He thinks I'm all fucking 'weird' or whatever, he hasn't made much of an attempt to make things cool."

Joel nods and stands up. He makes his way over to his brother and rests a hand on his shoulder. "Are you gonna be okay to tour and stuff Benji? I mean, it's going to be really hard for you, I think, and I just. I want you to be okay."

Benji turns and looks up at Joel. "Yeah, it'll be fine. It's my job, we have to tour the album. I'm not going to bail on you guys just 'cause I've got some shit going on."

Joel nods slowly. "Okay. I just want to make sure, you know?"

Benji inclines his head slightly. "Yeah. Thanks."

Wide Awake chapter two

2005-01-28T08:26:33Z

Title: Wide Awake
Chapter: Two
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Where the hell have I been?/Sleeping, lost, and numb./So glad that I have found you./I am wide awake and heading home. - from Jimmy by Tool
A/N: huge thanks to zlobnaya for the hot beta action and the plotting and the squeeing. :D

I wake up at six in the morning the next day and can't fall back asleep. I slept pretty fitfully anyway, and I figure if I get tired enough I can just take a nap later. Not having a steady job is good that way. I lie in bed for awhile, staring at the ceiling and mulling things over. What am I gonna talk to Paul about today? Should I show him around our neighborhood?

I get up and head into the kitchen in my socks and boxers. Paul is sitting at the table and I pause in the doorway. "Um. Hi."

He glances up at me from a notebook. "Hey Benj." I step forward and realize that he's reading his journal. The one he writes stuff in and never let me see. God knows what's in there about us, and I suddenly feel guilty and a little scared. I skirt the table quickly and open the fridge, pulling out the orange juice.

He clears his throat and I don't want to turn around. "Does anyone talk to Aaron?" he asks, and I feel my throat close up.

"No."

He's silent for a minute. "What... did anyone try? After he left?"

And I remember again that he has to be told about all the bad shit on top of the good. "You did. You guys stayed in touch for a while." I take a glass and the carton of juice over to the table and slide into a chair. "But. He stopped writing back after awhile." Paul frowns and stares down at his notebook. "You really did try; you guys were best friends for awhile. It was really hard to watch you get burned like that, and I'm sorry."

"How's his band doing?" Paul asks and I shrug.

"They're... they're doing okay, I guess. They haven't sold nearly as many records as Good Charlotte has, but they're newer, so."

He nods and turns a page slowly, scanning his writing scratched across the paper. The silence in the air is thick, heavy with unasked questions; I feel like I have to take extra deep breaths to get enough oxygen. I really don't want to deal with heavy questions right now either and I know if he's reading that book they'll be coming.

"Hey, so." I swallow a mouthful of orange juice and clear my throat. "I'm gonna go get dressed and go for a walk. You... wanna come at all? I could like show you around or something?"

"Yeah, alright." Paul stands up and stretches languidly. I spot a hint of stomach as his shirt raises and I shiver, looking away quickly. I loved his skin.

We go to our separate bedrooms and I toss some clothes on automatically. I hate this. I really, really fucking hate this. I want everything to be just like it was, before he left me, before the accident, before I had to worry about how my boyfriend would react to the fact that he's my boyfriend.

We grab jackets from the hall closet and I resist the urge to tell Paul to put on more clothes. I don't want him to get sick and leave me again, more permanently. But I also know I'm being paranoid and keep my mouth shut, locking the door behind us.

The air is cold, sharp in my lungs as I inhale. The sun is just beginning to rise; the whole world is a light blue-gray, and I can see our breath in front of us as we walk down the sidewalk, hands buried deep in our pockets.

"So this place looks nice enough," Paul says after a minute. "I saw it when Joel and Billy brought me home."

"Yeah." I shuffle my feet and look around, anywhere but at Paul. "It's pretty good I guess."

We fall silent again, moving down the sidewalk slowly. Paul moves stiffly, still pretty sore from two months in bed. He's supposed to start physical therapy today, I remember. I wonder again if there's anything they can do for the memory loss. Probably not.

"So Benj," Paul says suddenly, and I glance over at him. "It's really fuckin' cold and I doubt you wanted to go for a walk to enjoy the weather. What's up?"

I swallow thickly and turn around. We start to walk back in the direction we came and I shrug. "There's something I gotta tell you, and I wanted to tell you before you read about it in your book."

"Oh?" Paul stops walking and I glance up at him. He looks curious, but a little scared, like he knows I'm about to drop a bombshell on him. Damnit, this should not be this hard, it's just words. Just me saying something.

"Yeah, so," I clear my throat and lick my lips. "So we moved in together about four months ago, right. Two months before the accident." I glance up at him and he's nodding. Shit. Just fucking say it. "And we did that 'cause. 'Cause we'd been dating for about six months before that." I say it quickly, my words jumbling as they tumble from my mouth. I keep my eyes on the ground, staring at my feet.

"Um." Paul clears his throat and I hazard a glance at him. He's pale, his eyes wide, and I can just see the are you fucking with me? lingering on the tip of his tongue.

"That's why your walls are all bare, 'cause I took my posters down, and I should have told you as soon as you woke up, but I didn't want to like overwhelm you with all this shit, you know? I wanted to make sure you were. Okay I guess? Before I told you about it, and just. Yeah." I stop myself from babbling any more.

He stares at me hard for a minute. "You're not fucking with me are you?" I shake my head helplessly and stare back at the ground. "Oh. I gotta. That's a lot to think about." He starts walking slowly back in the direction of the house. I trail behind him slowly, running over everything in my head.

We get inside and Paul collapses on the couch in the living room. He looks really sore, he's sitting very stiffly, and I feel like kind of an asshole for taking him for a walk in the cold and then dumping all this on him. ""Hey um. If you... if you want anything I'll be in my room okay?" I say softly, and he nods once.

I stop at the coat closet on the way back and trail into my room. I curl up on the hard guest bed and stare up at the ceiling, thinking about all of the things we did together. How everything started, how one simple thing got us together and one small accident seems to have torn us apart. This shouldn't hurt so badly. I knew he wouldn't fall into my arms the second I told him. I knew there wouldn't be some spark of memory, that my admission wouldn't bring back what he lost.

But God, I had hoped.

*

I'm sprawled on the back seat in the bus reading one of Joel's magazines. Everyone else is off at some after show party, and I'm really trying to stay away from that stuff. I made a promise to my family that I'd stop drinking and in order to stick with it I've got to stay away from parties and bars and, well, our fridge. It sucks. At least the guys have been cool about it - they don't egg me on or ask me to go with them or anything.

I hear someone climb on the bus and look over the top of the magazine. It's Paul. He stumbles back towards me with a goofy grin on his face and I set the magazine aside. This should be good; Paul's drunken stories tend to be pretty entertaining.

"Benji man!" Paul plops down beside me and rests his arms along the back of the couch. "How's your evenin' been?"

I shrug and motion towards the magazine. "Pretty boring. One of these nights one of you guys is gonna have to stay here with me and you can see just how intensely shitty this can be."

Paul laughs heartily and shrugs. "Hey, if we stayed here how would you get juicy details, huh? Like that your brother was totally scamming this ghetto chick out there. I mean, dude." Paul pauses and wiggles his eyebrows. "She was wearing Jnco jeans. Who wears Jnco anymore? No one. So they're like perfect for each other, right?"

I laugh and smirk at him. "Yeah. But Paul, man. Who says 'scamming' any more? No one. Fucker."

He shoves me and I fall over a little, the shiny pages of the magazine sliding beneath my hands. "Well, check it out though Benj. I was makin' out with this girl, right." He sighs and shakes his head. "It was awful dude. She couldn't kiss. She had to be like at least legal, but she couldn't kiss for shit. Like her tongue was too fucking big for her mouth or some shit. It was really, really fucking bad man."

"You're an asshole," I say, though I'm grinning at him. He grins back and shrugs.

"I can't help it man, it was bad. And it wasn't my fault 'cause I'm drunk but I'm not so drunk I can't kiss. I know what that drunk feels like."

"Yeah." I shrug and lean back on the couch, propping my feet up on the guitar case sitting in front of me. "I've met some pretty bad kissers in my time, too."

"Okay, grandpa," Paul says, and I flip him off. "But hey, Benj, I've been meaning to ask ya." Paul scoots a little closer, like he's gotta keep whatever this is a secret from someone miles away. "What's it like kissing a dude, man?"

I turn to him with both eyebrows raised. "What?" He asks again and I just shrug after a minute. "It's just like kissing a girl. But with stubble. And less... squishy, I guess?"

"Hmmm." Paul seems to ponder this for a minute. "That's it? Just scratchy and firm?" I shrug and nod. "Then what's the big deal? Why do you like it so much?"

"Dude, I dunno." I look at him helplessly. "It's just nice somehow, like more intense I guess."

Paul nods slowly and then licks his lips and shifts a little. "Could we... I mean. Could I try it? With you?"

My stomach does some kind of twisty thing and I nod mutely. He leans forward and I smell beer and Jim Beam on him, but I also smell Paul. Our lips meet bumpily and I scoot a little closer and bring my hand up to the side of his face, , steadying us. I watch Paul's eyes flutter closed and after a second he slips his tongue out, running it along my lip rings.

I open my mouth under his, letting him explore and suck on my lips as much as he wants. This is his experiment after all. I squirm a little and try to shake the thought that it's Paul. I'm kissing PAUL. My best friend. Paul's tongue is in my mouth. It's Paul, and he's kissing me, and it's really, really good.

He slides his tongue against mine, turning his head, and then pulls my tongue into his mouth completely. He tastes like alcohol, and I think maybe this isn't such a good idea, letting me taste the forbidden fruit. But he starts sucking on my tongue and I make a sound in the back of my throat, forcing myself not to moan or whimper or anything embarrassing.

When we finally pull apart he tugs on my lower lip with his teeth. I swallow thickly and smile, licking my lips slowly. "So um. Yeah. Mostly the same, huh?"

He nods and grins at me. "But more intense. I get ya." He leans forward and presses one more, tiny, chaste kiss to the corner of my mouth and then stands up and meanders towards his bunk. I honestly can't remember the last time anyone kissed me that well.

*

Paul sits still for what feels like hours, staring at a spot on the wall above the television. He's thinking about all the things that he's been told already, all the touring and people they've met. The places he's supposed to have seen and now, on top of all of that, he's gay. He likes boys. He likes Benji.

He glances at the clock and it's only been twenty minutes. Only. This is too much to deal with on his own, so he stands up slowly, still sore from walking in the cold. He grabs the phone and the slip of paper with Billy's phone number on it from the kitchen and makes his way back to the living room. He's got a million new phone numbers to remember now - apparently his cell phone got fucked up in the car accident.

Billy's phone rings seven times before he answers with a very, very sleepy hello. "Billy?" Paul says softly. "I gotta talk to you."

"Mmm. It couldn't wait 'till later? Like when the sun is up or something?"

"No." Paul shifts so that he's leaning against the arm of the couch, giving his back a little more support. "Billy, what happened with Benji and me?"

There's a long pause on the other end, and Paul wonders if the call was dropped. When he speaks, Billy sounds slightly more awake. "What do you mean, with you and Benji?"

"He told me we were dating," Paul says bluntly.

"Oh. Yeah. That. Yeah, you were dating."

"What the fuck, Billy? How did you guys fail to mention the fact that I was gay to me in the three fucking days I've been awake? You'd think it would come up!"

"Paul, calm down." Billy's voice is more edgy now.

"Calm down?" Paul is completely blown away by the suggestion. "Dude, he's Benji. How in the hell did I start dating fucking Benji?"

"Well, I think the fucking came before the dating," Billy says, and Paul sucks in a breath, choking on a small bead of spit that gets caught in his throat.

Sex. He and Benji had sex. He and Benji had SEX. With each other. "Oh my God." He covers his eyes with his free hand. "We had sex. I fucking had fucking sex with fucking Benji. Billy, how the fuck did that happen? What the fucking hell happened?" He's trying to imagine even kissing Benji and it's just not working. There's nothing there.

"Dude, seriously, calm the fuck down." Billy sounds pretty irritated. "This is what Benji was afraid of. He told us not to say anything 'cause he wanted to tell you, which was probably right 'cause he's the one in fucking love with you. He didn't want you to freak out like this."

Paul sighs and bites his lip thoughtfully. Billy's right. This is shitty; this has to be hard for Benji right now. And did Billy say love? Benji's in love? "Fuck Billy, this is a lot to take in right now."

"Hey man, I get it. It's gotta be a shock. But just, I dunno, try and deal less spastically or something? At least around Benj?"

"Yeah." Paul says softly. "Yeah, okay. I just gotta register all this."

"Uh huh. Look man, do you want me to go over or something? I'm taking you to the hospital later anyway; I may as well start the day early."

"Okay. Yeah, that's good." Paul nods and they say goodbye. He sits on the couch for another fifteen minutes, thinking over everything he's heard to this point and then slowly stands up and heads for Benji's room. He figures he should at least let him know that Billy's coming over.

The door is open a crack and Paul knocks lightly and peeks inside. It's empty. More searching and calling and Benji is nowhere to be found. Paul sighs and sits back down in the living room, thinking everything over.

*

I pound on Joel's door as hard as I can and ring the doorbell over and over. It's taking him too long to get here, what the hell. I've been out here for at least five minutes now. When the door finally opens I almost hit my brother in the face, still intent on pounding. He's wearing a wife beater and boxers and his hair is all rumpled.

"What the hell Benji?" he asks sleepily. "Is everything okay? Is Paul - "

"Paul's fine," I say gruffly and elbow my way through the door.

"Alrighty then," Joel replies and I can hear the irritation in his voice now. He closes the door behind us and follows me into the living room. "Then what the fuck Benji?"

I look back at him as he collapses on his sofa, staring up at me. "I told him, Joel. About us."

"Oh."

I swallow thickly and nod, pacing back and forth in front of Joel. "He seemed pretty shocked when I told him, which I get. And he was quiet. Which I also get. So he sat in the living room and I went to my room and just stayed there for awhile and then I got thirsty and heard him on the phone when I was in the kitchen and Joel, he was freaking out. Like really, really fucking freaked."

"He freaked?" Joel sits forward, his eyebrows knitted. "What did he say?"

"I dunno." I sigh and bite my bottom lip. "I heard him saying like 'what the fuck?' and 'we fucking had sex??' and just. It." I dig my palms into my eyes and will myself not to break down. I wish I was in my own house so I could punch the wall or break something or. Just anything. I don't wanna think anymore.

I hear Joel move but don't put my hands down until I feel his arms circle my shoulders. "Hey Benj, it's okay." I find that hard to believe right now but hug him back, burying my face against his neck. It feels really good to be in someone's arms right now.

"Why is this so hard?" I ask softly and he squeezes me more tightly.

"I dunno. I don't know why this happened, or if it'll work out or anything. But I love you, just know that okay?"

I nod. "I love you too, Joel." I step back away from him and suck my bottom lip back into my mouth. "I think I gotta go for a drive or something, I need to think or like clear my head. Just. I had to talk to someone. And I barely talked but... but thanks, Joel."

"Wait, Benji." Joel wraps his hand around my wrist. "I don't think you should drive right now. You need to sleep."

"Joel, no. I don't want to sleep. I want to get out of here and just - "

"Benji." Joel tugs my arm firmly. "No, please. Come lay down with me for awhile, okay? Please Benj?"

I sigh raggedly and nod, following Joel mutely into his bedroom. He tugs the covers back and I kick my shoes off before climbing in beside him. I feel cold all over, like I'll never get warm again, and this is California but it's the most dreary place I've ever known. Joel curls up beside me and pulls me into his arms.

He's so warm beside me; I can feel his breath on my neck and I remember how we used to sleep like this during the winters when we couldn't afford to pay the electric bill. We used to be able to keep each other warm but now I'm almost afraid of draining my brother. I have nothing to give him back right now.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the sound of Joel breathing. It's steady, soft and familiar, and I don't even realize that I'm falling asleep myself.

*

Billy shows up at the house and Paul lets him inside. They say hello and Billy makes a beeline for the kitchen, muttering about how he needs coffee or people will die. "Where's Benji? In his room?" he asks, and Paul shrugs.

"I can't find him. I looked around and called for him but nothing."

"Fuck. Do you know where he went?"

"No clue," Paul replies. "He said he'd be in his room, never said he was going to leave the house."

Billy and Paul look around the kitchen for clues. There's a glass half full of water in the sink and the back door is slightly ajar. "Do... like, do you think he might have heard you on the phone, Paul?"

"Oh shit." Paul bites his lip and shrugs. "I guess. I mean. Shit."

Billy pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials Joel in the space of about five seconds. The phone rings and rings, and finally a sleepy Joel answers. "Hello?"

"Joel? Have you seen Benji today?"

There's a soft rustling like Joel is moving around quickly. "Yeah," he says quietly a minute later. "Yeah he's here, he's asleep."

"Good, we couldn't find him and just wanted to make sure he's okay."

"He's alive," Joel replies. "Okay is kind of an open question right now."

Billy sighs and nods. "Thanks Joel. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah. Call me whenever, Bill."

Billy says goodbye and turns to Paul. "I think we can safely assume that Benji heard you on the phone."

Paul sinks down into a kitchen chair, rubbing his temples. "Well, shit."

Billy pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down opposite Paul. "I guess since Benji spilled, I could give you like the Cliff's Notes of you and Benji togetherness."

Paul rests his head on the table and nods. "Okay. Whatever. Lay it on me, Billy."

"Right, so basically, you guys hooked up, and you decided you liked it, but at the same time you had a little 'oh my god am I really gay?' thing. You talked about it a lot nonstop for awhile until Benji finally screwed your brains out." Paul winces and clears his throat. "But you really liked it, 'cause apparently Benji's a tiger in the sack." Billy does a little meow thing and Paul groans.

"Dude, it's not even really the gay thing. I mean. I don't feel gay but whatever, I believe my mind could have been changed. It's just. It's Benji, dude."

"Yeah, it's Benji. Who stayed at your house for months while you taught him guitar when you were fifteen. Who hung out with you extra after Aaron left the band and helped you get over losing a really good friend.. Who sat beside your bed and held your hand while you were in a coma for two months straight. Who knows you better than anyone else ever. Benji."

Paul chews on his lower lip and idly flips the pages of his journal, still lying open on the table. He's trying to get a grip on all of this, trying to imagine spending ten months of his life dating his best friend There must be clues in here, he figures, staring hard at the pages in front of him as if the answer is just going to leap out at him.

He reads the page he started when Benji woke up. Aaron left the band, he reads again. I wonder what it's gonna be like doing all of this without him. He was my friend before the twins or Billy, and they're all my brothers now, but it's Aaron and I never really imagined being in a band without him.

Paul frowns and turns the page quickly, not really wanting to think about one of his best friends leaving. He never did keep this journal really regularly - the date skips several weeks in some places.

"Think that'll help with the memory thing?" Billy asks, sipping his coffee.

Paul shrugs. "I guess." He sighs and turns the page. "I don't know if it'll work. I don't know if I even really want to read this thing. I just want my life back. And..."

"Want it to be easier?" Billy asks softly and Paul nods helplessly.

"Yeah. Easier." He glances around and slouches further in his chair. "I've missed so much, I missed touring and Aaron leaving and all the news. I feel like I need to hole up in the library with a bunch of old newspapers or something."

"Well," Billy shrugs. "We can probably fill you in on all the important stuff. And Benji... well. I guess that's really up to you guys. But you should at least talk to him soon, 'cause I think he's probably pretty upset right now."

Paul sighs and nods. "Yeah. Hey should we get back to practicing soon? I need to relearn everything I guess. All the new stuff anyway."

Sure, whenever you're ready," Billy smiles. "I think the guys'd like that - we worked on some stuff while you were out but Benji barely left the hospital so it was kind of tough for Joel and I to do much."

"Right." Paul sits quietly for a few minutes, just thinking everything over. "Want to call the guys and get together tomorrow maybe?"

"Sounds good to me." Billy nods. "I'm really glad to have you back, man."

Paul smiles at him. "Thanks. I'm glad to be back."

Wide Awake chapter one

2005-01-25T04:48:13Z

Title: Wide Awake
Chapter: One
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Where the hell have I been?/Sleeping, lost, and numb./So glad that I have found you./I am wide awake and heading home. - from Jimmy by Tool
A/N: huge thanks to zlobnaya for the hot beta action and the plotting and the squeeing. :D Also, the story is basically done, it just needs some more editing and stuff. It'll be around five chpaters. Enjoy.

I'm on the way to the hospital. My mind is wandering, which is really pretty stupid considering I'm driving, but I've had a hard time concentrating lately. I'm thinking once again about how fragile everything in the world is. I never really considered the idea of losing things after we became a real legitimate band, I guess. Stupid, really, but when you lose everything your main focus is just getting it back, not security to keep it from going away again.

And I'm at the hospital now. There's the spot I always park in and really, they should just paint my name in that square. I've been here enough over the past two months that everyone knows me. I hurry through the lobby and mutter when the elevator doesn't go quickly enough. The woman at the nurses' station, Mary, looks up and smiles broadly when she sees me.

"He's awake!" she says as I walk by. I smile and nod. "I heard. Thanks."

She nods and I turn into the room I've come to know so well. It's a sickly color of pink, the blankets are orange and I've promised myself to never, ever have anything to do with either of those shades again.

There he is, surrounded by friends and family. Billy steps aside as I run forward and I wrap my arms around him in the tightest hug I think I've ever given. "Paul," I mumble against his neck. He smells like the hospital, but I don't care. I feel his arms slide around me and I'm fucking happy.

"Hey dude," he replies softly. "Didja miss me?" I just nod and hang onto him tightly. "Pretty clingy, huh?" he says and I frown and step back. I know we weren't really open before, but I guess I figured he'd be happier to see me. Plus everyone here knows.

"Sorry," I mumble and step back. Joel's behind me and I feel his fingers circle my wrist. "Benj, I gotta talk to you. Like now, it's serious."

"But dude..." I really don't want to leave. This is the first time I've seen Paul's eyes in two months, but Joel looks dead serious when I turn to look at him. "Um, okay." I catch Paul's gaze and smile warmly. "We'll be right back."

Paul nods and turns his attention to his sister. Joel has his hands shoved in his pockets as we leave and his hair is falling forward into his eyes. "Dude, what's up? Paul just woke up from a freaking coma. What's going on with you?"

Joel shrugs. "No, I am glad he's awake. Just, well." We're at the elevator now and Joel turns to me suddenly. "Wanna get something to eat?"

I really don't but I figure I may as well go along with whatever he's doing. I can tell he's upset. We make our way to the cafeteria in silence; Joel gets a tuna sandwich and I just order a cup of coffee.

"So what's up?" I ask when we finally sit down. Joel sighs and picks at the crust of his sandwich.

"The doctors say he's doing really well," Joel says. "Except for one thing."

My stomach lurches. I can feel Joel's anxiety and I'm suddenly terrified. "What? What's the thing Joel?"

He meets my gaze slowly. "Paul... he's got amnesia."

"What? That's bullshit. He remembered all of us."

"It's. They figure he lost the last year or so. Completely gone. The last thing he remembers is New York."

I really don't know what to do. I want to shake Joel and tell him to stop lying to me, I want to scream at the doctors who didn't fix Paul right, I want to curl up in the dark. I want to go ask Paul if it's true. "He doesn't remember anything about us?" I ask softly and Joel shakes his head.

"We asked as indirectly as we could before you got here. He doesn't remember anything."

I lay my forehead flat on the table and close my eyes. This can't be happening, it just can not be happening. All I wanted was my boyfriend back.

I spend the rest of the day in Paul's room. I grabbed a chair from the hallway and have been camped out in the corner, listening as people tell Paul about the things that he's forgotten. He seems to be dealing with it pretty well, which I guess is a good thing. I don't know if I could sit here if he was really freaked out.

"Hey," he says suddenly, interrupting a story Billy is telling. "Did anyone like take care of my place while I was out?"

Everyone looks at me and Paul follows their gazes. I clear my throat and lean forward in my chair. "Actually, you uh. You moved in with me like four months ago."

He smiles. "Cool, roommates." I cough and nod slowly, forcing a smile and trying to think of something to say to break the silence in the room.

"Yep," I manage and kick myself mentally. "Actually, uh. You're getting out in a couple days. I should probably go clean and stuff." I stand up slowly and walk to the bed, wrapping my arms around him in a brief hug. This shouldn't feel awkward, this is Paul. This is my boyfriend, my boyfriend who has no idea that he's my boyfriend. "I'll come see you tomorrow, okay?"

He nods. "Thanks Benji."

I get a few awkward see ya's on my way out. I hear Joel say something and he catches up with me at the elevator. "Hey, do you want some company?"

I honestly have no idea what I want right now, so I nod. I think I might be a little in shock or something. Joel rubs my back lightly in the elevator and he takes his keys out when we get to the parking lot. "I'll drive; we'll get your car later okay?" I just shrug and nod again. This reminds me of the actual accident, only slightly less terrifying.

*

My phone rings and the caller ID says Billy. I answer with a smile. "Where are you?" he asks and I tell him I'm outside the restaurant, that Paul is late. "Benj, Paul was in an accident. They're taking him to the hospital right now."

My entire body goes still for a second and then I start to shake. "What?" I feel queasy, little shivers running all over my body. "Which hospital? Is he okay? What happened?"

"I don't know, Benj. They're taking him to St. Luke's, I don't know what happened. I just got the call from his sister, I'm going now."

I hang up, still shaking, and somehow make it to my car. My keys fall out of my hand and jingle against the pavement, and I shake my head. I have to concentrate; I have to get to the hospital. This is important.

Billy and Joel are waiting for me when I get there. Joel says Paul's family is talking to doctors, that they'll let us know when they know anything. All I can think is that he'd better be okay.

It was a car accident, they're saying. It was pretty bad; a semi ran a red light. Paul's got broken ribs and cuts and he hit his head pretty badly. They say the air bag was defective. I don't know anything. I just want to see him. His sister finds us after an age of waiting; with tears in her eyes she tells us he's in a coma. I don't believe her.

He looks so horrible; lying in that bed with tubes everywhere. His face is cut up, angry purple bruises already showing on his cheeks.

"They don't know how long he's going to be like this," his sister says softly. "Maybe he'll never wake up. They need to run a bunch of tests."

I barely process what she's saying. I fumble with the gift I bought him, cold and heavy in my pocket, and wonder idly if he'd been wearing a suit. We were gonna meet at the restaurant. I should have picked him up, I realize. This is my fault, because I had that fucking interview with those fucking publicists and couldn't just go pick my boyfriend up for a nice dinner.

I don't know how long we're there, really. I don't care. I just hold his hand and play with his hair and stupidly wish that this was the movies; that he'd wake up miraculously and look into my eyes and live forever.

Joel finally makes me leave. We go to his house - I don't really want to spend the night alone. He puts me to bed and holds me all night. I don't think I really sleep at all, but Joel doesn't seem to mind. He just holds me.

*

I go straight to our room when we get home and start to collect my things. I dump boxers and socks into my laundry basket along with some books I have laying on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Joel asks. I don't turn around.

"I'm moving all my stuff," I reply. It really should be pretty obvious, I think, as I dig through the nightstand for my Bible and iPod. My notebook is under the bed, I realize, and drop to my knees to dig it out.

"Why?" Joel asks, crouching down beside me. I look up at him and sigh.

"I can't leave it in here, right? I mean. We can't share a room anymore can we?"

Joel looks perplexed. "Why not? I mean, okay, I get why not. But I really doubt he's gonna care if you leave stuff in here."

I lick my lips and nod slowly. "Yeah. Um, I don't think we should tell him about. About us being together. You know? I just think that maybe that's too much bullshit for him to get in his head for right now."

"What?" Joel rests his hands on my shoulders and looks hard into my eyes. "You can't be serious Benji. You've been waiting for him to wake up for two months; you've been insane over this. I haven't been able to get you to do a goddamned thing but play checkers in the hospital cafeteria, and now that he's awake you're just gonna say fuck it and move all your shit out?"

"Fuck you, it's not that simple." I shove him backwards and walk out of the room with my laundry basket. He follows me to the guest bedroom and stands in the doorway, his hands on the frame.

"Well then please explain it to me, Benji."

I throw the basket onto the bed and start tossing things around onto the floor and dresser. "Look dude, as far as Paul knows, he's not dating me. Hell, if he remembers up until New York then as far as he knows he's fucking straight. I'm not going to just unload all this bullshit on top of him right now."

I sit down on the edge of the bed and pinch my temple. My head is suddenly pounding and I feel nauseated. "I am glad he's awake, I am. And I can't wait for him to come home, and I can't wait to just hang out and talk like we used to. But it's not gonna be anything like it used to be, because he doesn't remember that usually hanging out and talking ended up with hot, crazy sex of some sort." I see Joel make a face and laugh softly. "Sorry. But you know, it's just. It's weird, and I don't know what else to do. Please just go with me on this man."

Joel nods slowly. "I still don't think it's really a good idea, but whatever dude." He sets his mouth in a thin line. "You just gotta be careful Benj."

"Yeah," I reply. "I know."

*

Joel and I spend the next couple of days getting the house ready. I haven't been back to the hospital since the day Paul woke up. I tell everyone it's because I'm busy getting things ready for him, but really I'm afraid. Just thinking about sitting there talking to him about things he can't remember creeps me out a little. And it makes me sad, because I can't tell him about us.

Billy and Joel are bringing him home today; he should be here any minute. I keep wandering through the house fixing things. There's no reason I should be nervous, Paul never gave a shit what the house looked like before, I seriously doubt he's gonna start now. I can't help but think that as far as he knows this is the first time he's seeing this house.

I hear the car in the driveway and smooth my hands down the front of my shirt. I can't believe I'm stressing about how I look. He's not gonna care.

He walks into the house, flanked by Joel and Billy and they're all smiling. They must have had a good talk on the way over or something. Paul's wearing some clothes that Joel took over to him and he's so thin now. The clothes are hanging off of his body, belt pulled as tightly as it'll go. It makes my heart break a little more.

"Hey," I say, forcing a smile. I wrap my arms around him in a quick hug, wishing I could tilt my head up just a little and kiss him. He hugs back and grins at me. "I dig the pad, dude. It's homey."

"Yeah?" I look around. "It hasn't changed much since the last time you were here. You can't uh, remember that, but yeah."

"Yeah." Paul licks his lips, full beautiful lips that I remember against the curve of my neck, and glances around quickly. "So which way to my room?"

Billy and Joel exchange a look behind Paul's back, and I glare at both of them as I lead Paul down the hallway to the bedroom we used to share. I took down all my things and all that's left on the walls is a Skinny Puppy tour poster. He frowns. "I thought I had more posters. I used to have more posters."

I shrug and sit down on the edge of the bed. "You gave a lot of them away when you moved in here, I guess you didn't want to hang them all back up or something? You never said."

"Whatever," he replies and lies down on the bed beside me, staring up at the ceiling. Joel and Billy are standing in the doorway watching us, and I want to run my hand up underneath Paul's shirt. I can see the outline of his body more clearly now, and god he's so thin. It's almost scary, I feel like I should feed him.

"Are you hungry?" I ask, trying to take my mind off of thoughts of Paul's body. He nods and we make our way into the kitchen where Billy pops some egg rolls in the microwave. I made them yesterday, they should still be good.

"Man, I love egg rolls," Paul says, biting into one happily.

*

"This place is so great," I say, holding the door open for Paul. He walks inside and I follow him.

"So, is this like our first date?" he asks me with a little smirk, and I raise an eyebrow.

"I guess so? If you want it to be." I smile kinda nervously and bite my lip when they seat us. A little girl in the corner is staring and I'm pretty sure she recognizes us. I just hope she'll either come up now and get it over with or wait until we're done eating. I hate being interrupted, especially when I'm out on dates. And this is a date apparently.

He and I make conversation so easily, one of the perks of going out with your best friend, I guess. We just talk about random things all night, like outfits and music and touring and how we never really thought we'd actually get this far. I'm glowing the whole time, I know it. I can feel it. Even when the girl comes up in the middle of my salad, I don't care. Just sign a slip of paper for her and smile and thank her and move my eyes back to Paul's.

I can feel his knee against mine the entire time and it's spreading warmth up through my thigh. And every time he reaches for the salt or a napkin his fingers brush the back of my hand, sending little shivers through my body. I know he's fucking with me, he's a little shit like that, and the truth is it's really kind of a turn on. He's pushing buttons because he knows he can.

My entire body is thrumming with pent-up energy by the time we finish, and I couldn't be more ready to get out of the restaurant. We get in the car, Paul in the passenger seat, and I glance around quickly before reaching over and pulling him into a deep kiss. His mouth opens under mine and I slide my tongue against his roughly, my fingers tangled in the short hair at the nape of his neck. He makes this little sound every time we kiss, like halfway between an ooph and a moan and I love it.

If we weren't in a restaurant parking lot I'd go further, but I'm not much of an exhibitionist and we really don't need this kind of publicity right now. He sucks on my bottom lip as I pull away, flicking his tongue over my piercings and I groan. Such a perfect fucking tease. I don't know why I didn't get with him sooner.

*

Billy and Joel hang around until late in the evening, which I'm grateful for. I'm really not sure I could have handled being completely alone with Paul on his first day back home, not like this. He keeps touching everything, looking really intently at small stuff, like cracks in the wall or the plant in the front hallway. I wonder if he's trying to jog his memory or something, but it must not be working, because he bought that plant. He fell in love with it, actually, when we were in San Francisco a few months ago. I don't get it, I suck at taking care of plants, but since his accident I treated that thing like it was a baby.

I guess I figured he'd be looking forward to seeing it when he got out.

When the other two bail for the night, I feign sleepiness. I don't think I'll be tired for another few hours, but I figure Paul should probably get to bed soon, and I could use some alone time. Like I haven't had enough the last two months, but now it's even more mixed up. Paul wanders back into his room and stands in the middle, looking around. I'm in the doorway, my arms folded over my chest just watching him.

"I can't believe my room is this boring," he says after a minute. "I mean, I'm not real interesting, but this is just lame. Are you sure I didn't have any other posters or anything?"

I shrug and clear my throat. "When you first moved in some of mine were up in here, but um. They got taken down. Do you want to see them? I know where they're at, if you want more stuff on the wall or whatever."

Paul frowns and shakes his head. "Naw, it's cool. Not really a big deal." He lies back on the bed, his hands folded behind his head. We're silent for a long time, and I wonder if I should leave.

"Did something really huge happen that I can't remember?" he asks suddenly, and I chew my lip.

"What do you mean?"

He looks over at me. "It just feels like everyone's avoiding something, and I figure if everyone's avoiding it, it must be big right?"

I clear my throat and shrug. "I guess we're just trying to figure out all the stuff you should know, you know? But we don't want to pile it on too much all at once."

"I kinda wish that coming home would have jogged it all back, ya know?" And I do, more than he can imagine. "But I guess this'll just have to do."

"Look, I should probably let you get some rest..." I say, taking a step backwards, and he nods slowly.

"Hey, Benj?" I look up at him, eyes wide. "Thanks. For, ya know, keeping the house clean while I was gone."

I can't help but laugh at that. "Shut up and sleep, asshole," I say and walk out of the room. At least his sense of humor is still intact.

a brief aside

2005-01-05T03:59:11Z

Hey guys

I've been getting a lot of questions about Collide. I know I haven't updated in a really long time, but I promise I will again. I've been working on another story and it's like eaten my brain. But the end of that one is in sight, and I'm really excited to get back to my twinses.

Hopefully within the month. If not sooner. I'm ever the optimist ;) haha.

Thanks for reading and stuff. I love you all. :D

Collide chapter 16

2004-11-16T08:37:28Z

Title: Collide chapter 16
Chapter rating: R
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
A/N: I owe zlobnaya the moon. Like seriously, she's the best beta evar. I owe her sleep too. Everyone who likes this story, sleep a little extra for Z. And thanks to everyone who reads and reviews, you guys make my life, seriously. <3

| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
| eleven | twelve | thirteen | fourteen | fifteen |

Joel's alarm clock starts ringing at seven in the morning. He groans and rolls over, smacking the snooze button. Benji mumbles beside him, and Joel wraps his arm around Benji's shoulders and pulls him close.

"Do you have school today?" he asks groggily. Benji mumbles something incoherent against Joel's neck. "What?"

"Yeah. At three." Benji pulls the blankets tighter around them.

"Cool."

They drift off until the alarm rings again, and Joel groans and fumbles with it.

"Work?" Benji asks, his face still hot against Joel's skin.

"Yeah." Joel rolls over onto the cold floor and stares up at the ceiling. "I hate working mornings."

Benji's still for a minute and then he grunts and rolls over on top of Joel. "Call in today." He smiles and kisses the corner of Joel's mouth. "I'll go buy some food and we'll just hang out in bed all morning. It'll be great."

Joel sighs and kisses Benji back lightly. "I wish it were that easy. But I can't afford to take any days off, man." He squeezes Benji tightly for a second and then sits up, depositing Benji back on the mattress.

Benji runs a hand through his hair and watches Joel walk through the little apartment, starting a pot of coffee, picking clothes from the dresser and socks from an old popcorn tin beside it. "I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay. Do you want company?" Benji asks with a smirk, and Joel grins.

"I definitely wouldn't say no." Joel helps Benji to his feet and pulls him close. "But we gotta be quick 'cause there's not always a lot of hot water."

Benji wraps his arms around Joel's neck and kisses him hard. "I can be quick when I need to be."

Joel smirks and turns around, pulling Benji behind him into the bathroom. They both hiss and hop a little with the shock of cold tile beneath their feet. Joel bends over to start the water, and Benji admires the view.

Joel really does have a great body - nicely toned chest and arms, a waist to fucking die for, perfect legs, and a great ass. Benji takes a second to thank whatever deity might be listening for his great luck, and then Joel is pulling him into the shower.

The water hasn't really warmed up yet and Benji gasps when it hits his body, making him flinch. Joel already has the shampoo out though, and Benji sucks it up and ducks his head under the water, squeezing his eyes shut. He feels strong fingers in his hair and groans softly, leaning back against Joel.

"Fuck boxing, Joel," he murmurs. "You need to become a masseuse." Joel just chuckles and starts to rub Benji's neck as well.

"Okay, rinse," he says after a minute, and Benji obligingly sticks his head back under the water, letting the shampoo run out.

Benji takes the shampoo bottle from Joel and motions for him to turn around. He works the shampoo into a lather in Joel's hair, massaging his scalp and neck slowly. Joel makes little appreciative sounds and Benji smirks.

He gets Joel to rinse his hair and starts to soap him down, moving his hands over every inch of Joel's skin. Joel just stands there, his face tilted down slightly, mouth open and pouty, and Benji kisses him deeply, still trying to clean Joel off as best he can.

Joel kisses back eagerly, easing the soap out of Benji's hand and tossing it onto the bathtub floor. They stumble backwards awkwardly, Benji's back hitting the wall, still kissing deeply.

Benji's hands move over Joel's slick skin and he feels so warm, so comfortable, just like this. With Joel's tongue in his mouth, their bodies hard and hot against each other. Joel slides his hands down to Benji's ass and squeezes, pulling Benji up against him even more tightly, and Benji groans into Joel's mouth.

They're about two seconds away from really getting things going when the hot water runs out. They both gasp and Joel jumps back, shutting off the water quickly. Benji wraps his arms around his middle and looks at Joel through his soggy hair.

They both start to laugh, and Joel throws a towel at Benji playfully. "You know," Benji says as he dries himself off, "I really got the short end here, I didn't get soapy, just a hair wash."

"Well, you have the rest of the day to take a real shower, right?" Joel grins and starts to pull on his clothes.

"I guess," Benji whines. He's smiling though, and he walks past Joel into the apartment. He realized about halfway there that he doesn't have any clothes to change into, but figures if it comes down to it he can just stay naked until he leaves and go commando until he gets home.

Joel seems to have read his mind though; he tosses boxers and a pair of pants with a belt at Benji as he walks out of the bathroom. "Just wash 'em before you bring 'em back, huh?"

Benji smiles and pulls them on. "Thanks."

"No problem." Joel pours a cup of coffee. "Want some?" Benji shakes his head and Joel shrugs. "Any big plans until Friday night?"

"I'm going to a retirement party with my folks tonight. Some big-shot from my dad's bank, I don't know why they want me to go with them, but..." he shrugs and sits down in the recliner.

"Sounds impressive." Joel leans back against his counter. "Your kinda people?"

Benji looks up sharply. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing bad, just. Like people with money and stuff, right? And isn't that banking thing what you're gonna do when you get out of college?"

"Well. Yeah, it's my major and everything."

Joel nods and takes another sip. "You don't sound real enthusiastic."

Benji frowns and scratches behind his head. "It's really pretty boring, I guess. But I gotta, like it's the family thing, right. My grandpa was a banker, my dad, me next."

Joel furrows his brow. "What?" He really can't imagine that someone with everything he's ever wanted could just agree to do something because it's the family tradition. "I thought we were in the twenty-first century here, where people could do whatever the hell they want."

"It's..." Benji's frown deepens, though he's more perplexed than angry. He hasn't really thought much about not doing the whole investment banking thing - it's what he was always going to do, and it's familiar. "I guess I never really thought about it before."

"Really?" Joel's taken aback. He drinks his coffee more deeply, now that it's cooled off a little. "You never thought about what you wanna do with your life?"

Benji shrugs. "I guess I always figured I wanted to be a banker."

"Hmm." Joel rinses his cup out and sets it in the sink. "I don't see you as a banker, personally."

Benji's silent for a minute. "I always have." He looks really deep in thought, and Joel walks over and rests a hand on Benji's shoulder.

"I'd probably better get going," he says softly, snapping Benji out of his thoughts.

"Yeah. You want a ride to work? I should probably get home and make sure I did all of my homework and shit."

"That'd be great, yeah."

Benji pulls on his shirt and folds his pants up. "Thanks for letting me stay over last night."

Joel laughs and pulls Benji into his strong arms, planting a deep kiss on his lips. "Hey, it was my pleasure. Feel free to do it whenever you want, Benj."

"I think I will." Benji smiles and kisses Joel again. "Maybe when you least expect it."

**

Benji rolls his shoulders in the Armani suit he's wearing and pulls on a pair of black gloves. His hair is stylishly tossed so that the pink chunk isn't too obvious, and he's wearing a gray dress shirt, top button undone. He took his tongue ring out - his mother hates it when he wears it around her.

"Roguishly handsome?" he asks his reflection with a little smirk. "I think so."

"Benji!" his mom calls from the front room. "Time to go!"

"Coming, Mom!" This night out with his parents is probably going to be the death of him.

They're sitting on the sofa waiting for him when he emerges from the hallway. "I don't understand what takes you so long to get ready," his father says without looking up from the newspaper in his lap.

"Sorry, Pops," Benji says with a little smile.

This earns him a raised eyebrow, but his father doesn't reply. "Let's go."

"Right. Benji?" His mom grabs her purse and pulls it up on her shoulder.

"Ready as ever." Benji smiles and spreads his arms, his suit coat swooshing around his hips as he does.

The three of them file out the door, his father closing and locking it behind them. They're taking the Escalade, which Benji hates because it means he had to clean it out. He moved everything to the BMW earlier in the day.

It's overcast, heavy clouds visible over the streets, and Benji buttons his jacket when they exit, thanking the door man. He pulls a pair of sunglasses out and puts them on, despite the fact that it's almost dusk. They climb into the Escalade, Benji in the back, and start towards downtown.

His parents converse briefly about work and then fall into a slightly uncomfortable silence. Benji stares out the window and watches the cars beside them, wondering if he'll ever see someone getting road head or giving birth in a car. It's been known to happen, he thinks.

"Are you interested in an internship with the bank this summer, Benjamin?" his father asks, and Benji glances up, looking into the rearview mirror over his sunglass.

"Internship?" Benji blinks and shrugs. "Oh yeah, I'll look into that..." He furrows his brow and stares out the window. Suddenly the thought of a juicy foot-in-the-door internship with the firm doesn't seem as enticing as it should. Two weeks ago he would have jumped at this.

"I'll bring the paperwork home tomorrow," his father says. Benji nods and keeps his eyes on the buildings passing by outside.

"'Kay," Benji mumbles. He steadfastly ignores the way his mom turns in her seat to look back at him, probably making sure he's alright.

They pull into a parking garage adjacent to the JP Morgan Chase building. The wind is blowing Benji's coat and he walks steadily into it. Like one of the guys from Reservoir Dogs or something he thinks with a small smirk, and he almost wishes he smoked for more effect.

His mother checks her hair in the door when Benji holds it open for her and he rolls his eyes a little. No one is going to care; they all had to walk through the wind too.

"Benji, take those sunglasses off inside," his mother says in the elevator. He glances at her and slowly removes them, folding them and placing them gently in his breast pocket.

Classical music wafts over them as the elevator doors open. It's low-key, boring stuff; no Valkyries or Mountain Kings in sight. This is already shaping up to be painfully boring, Benji thinks as they join the party.

Old men in impressive suits turn and greet his father, women shake his mother's hand with cool diplomacy and everyone carefully ignores Benji. He straightens his jacket and follows his parents to their table, nodding to several people who look like they're around his age.

The chairs are uncomfortable and Benji wiggles a little until he finds a good spot. His mother slaps his knee lightly and tells him to sit up; his father walks away and joins a small group of his coworkers.

Looking around, Benji can't help but try and imagine himself here in twenty years: trophy wife sitting at his reserved table, children tucked off with a sitter somewhere in Manhattan, sipping alcohol and talking to stuffy old men about the stock market.

It's really not working for him. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, looking around at all the people milling about, waiting to say goodbye to a coworker, a guy who probably sat through a million retirement parties before his own and pretended to like everyone and kissed his tipsy wife because she was prettier than anyone else's. A guy who's probably so tense after all the years of shitting all over people that he can only get his rocks off by watching thirteen year old boys have sex or something.

Benji shudders and waves a caterer with a drink tray over. His mother frowns when he grabs a tall glass of wine but doesn't say anything and he swallows half of the glass in one drink. He's really not sure if he likes the fact that he's overanalyzing something that he's known he'd be doing his entire life. Really, he should take his father's internship; he should get his degree and get married and get a job with his daddy's bank and work there for years and years, and be wealthy and respected.

Wealth and respect is all it comes down to. Comfort and stability, all that crap that comes with being wealthy and respected. Benji tosses back the rest of his wine and folds his arms over his chest, watching the people around him closely. His mom clucks disapprovingly and stands up, making her way to mingle with her husband and his friends.

Everyone, everything is so stuffy and uptight, and it's supposed to be a party. It's supposed to be people getting out of the roles they play everyday, but they're just stuffing it up even more now, acting completely ridiculous in the hopes that they'll out-do someone else.

He stands up, going over to the open bar. They don't card him when he asks for a Jack and Coke, and he appreciates it greatly.

Half an hour later food is served, and forty-five minutes after that the old man gets up and gives a speech. Other people stand up and regale the crowd with tales of how great the guy was, and Benji snorts. He's working on a good buzz after several more drinks, and his father is shooting him disapproving looks.

After an eternity of speeches and applause, the music starts back up and people start to ease up a little. Everyone's had some to drink, and they're talking more loudly. His parents once again disappear into the crowd, and Benji asks for another refill on his drink. An older woman, probably close to forty comes up and starts to talk to him.

He's fascinated by her, though. She's sitting in the chair across from him, leaning forward, her cleavage apparent at this angle. She's obviously pretty drunk, her eyes are dull and she's repeating herself over and over, talking about different things: being young, being old, kids and school and work and money. She's hitting on him, and Benji wonders where her husband is.

"So, honey, you wanna get out of here or something? Or we could just go...outside or something, or anywhere but here," she says and Benji cocks his head to the side. On any other night he'd probably ask her for her keys. Older women are usually so good in bed and this poor woman is obviously lonely. But really all he can think about is Joel - Joel's face and hands and tongue and voice.

He sighs and shakes his head. "I'm sorta seeing someone, actually."

She chokes out a bitter laugh and throws back what's left of her drink, mostly melted ice. "Seeing someone. So am I," she flashes her gaudy wedding ring, "But what does that matter?"

Benji smiles slowly and gently untangles his hand from hers. "It matters 'cause I've still got hope that it'll work out, ya know?" She looks up at him, eyes glazed and a little bleary and gives him a half-smile.

"It's good you have hope, baby, Lord knows there's none for me."

He shrugs and glances around the room. "You're beautiful. And there's always hope." He bends and kisses her on the cheek, and she closes her eyes and sighs softly.

He shrugs and glances around the room. "I'm sorry."

He knows as he walks away that this can never happen to him. He doesn't want this... any of it. He really doesn't want the extreme opposite of this - spending time with Joel's friends after the fight was pretty scary, because they seemed so adrift. But there's got to be some medium he can find, somewhere he can belong and be happy and still get by.

The only problem is he has no idea what or where that is. He puts his sunglasses back on with a sigh and sits down by the door until his parents are ready to leave.

crazy

2004-10-24T10:08:25Z

Title: Crazy
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Benji/Paul
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: drive me crazy, crazy in love. this is pretty much all meegzi31's fault, and she doesn't even ship them. crazy lady.

you had a chip on your shoulder and you fucking knew it. you had a problem with the world and you'd tell them all to go fuck themselves.

you hated your dad and your childhood and your music and the fact that no one gave a shit.

you hated the fact that drinking only made things worse. you loved it, loved oblivion, but there was no way you could keep up with that.

and when they came to help you, you hated your friends more than anything. you despised joel and you wanted to break billy's fucking teeth, and aaron was just gone and paul was just paul.

paul was the one you really, really fucked, and you really enjoyed it, too. because he was so easy, so gentle on the edges and hard inside that you could blame him for everything, every last piece of shit in your life, and he took it and it. felt. good.

the last night you came in drunk, paul was waiting for you. he was sitting curled up in an armchair, reading something you can't remember. probably shakespeare.

you hated him so much right then; you can still remember the way rage swelled inside of you, rose in your throat and spilled out in a slur of horrible names and insults. you felt insulted, like you needed another fucking father figure waiting up for you, looking down his nose at you.

you really hoped he'd hit you, but it never came. paul's eyes narrowed and he threw his book to the floor. you stumbled back against the wall drunkenly, afraid despite your desperation, and he shoved you hard. you landed on the bed.

that night he fucked you.

that night he left you, cold and naked and half-asleep in bed, and you decided in your drunken stupor that you weren't gonna drink any more.

a week later you snuck out of the hotel and walked to a liquor store down the street. you stood in front of the door, hands shoved deep in your pockets, and stared at the neon sign in the window, advertising budweiser ten percent off.

you moved, took a step forward, and large fingers wrapped around your wrist. paul's breath was warm on your neck when he whispered. he told you not to do it, that there was something better than alcohol.

he fucked you in the alley and you came whimpering his name. the brick wall left scratches down your back that didn't heal for a week.

after that you asked him to hurt you almost every night. you loved the rush of pain in your body, the way bruises spread over your skin. you traced them slowly in the shower and imagined that you could fall in love.

paul didn't say anything, but you could tell that he didn't like it. he was so reserved most of the time, and you hated him because you wanted to make him lose control the way he made you. you wanted to find his weakness.

you tried hurting him back, and nothing. you tried to be sweet, you tried to talk or sing or tie him up. he went along with you for weeks. every night a new experiment, and it started to consume you, this need to make paul feel.

you devoured books and asked people vague questions. and as the weeks went by your bruises healed and the pale skin was covered in ink. you found tattoos more effective anyway, more permanent than what paul could do.

you'd been trying for months when you finally gave up and just asked him. you remember his little grin, the way his finger moved in front of his lips, mocking you gently. you remember the way his eyes shined, and you remember loving him in that moment.

that scared you, and before he could say anything you left. you heard him calling after you, shouting something about if you really wanted to know that badly, but you ignored it.

joel tried to ask you a question on your way out, but you snapped at him to fuck off, and he slouched back into his seat angrily. that only made you more pissed off, because snapping at joel was about the worst thing you could do.

when you finally stopped walking you were behind a burger king, your hands shoved deeply into the pockets of paul's jacket. you didn't remember even putting it on.

there were cigarettes tucked inside, and a silver bmw lighter that you always gave him shit for, and you figured fuck it and lit one up. it was as awful as you remembered, but you forced the smoke down into your lungs, trying to calm yourself any way you could.

you slept alone that night for the first time in a long time. your mouth tasted like smoke and you were cold, and joel growled at you as you walked past.

it was like history repeating, you thought. you wanted a drink more than ever, and you wanted paul beside you. you forced yourself to think about anything but those two things.

the next day signaled the beginning of a three day break. you had hotel rooms in los angeles and were free to explore to your heart's content, but you stayed inside. some ridiculous form of self-flagellation: you'd convinced yourself that really, you didn't deserve sunshine.

you hated yourself for turning into a snivley little emo piece of shit, and stared at your gillette razor for half an hour, thinking about cutting yourself open, just a little.

you ignored the knock on your door until it didn't go away. paul's voice filtered through the wood and you opened the door just a little.

he was beautiful, mouth turned down in a little frown when he saw your disheveled face. you let him in after you'd exchanged pleasantries, and sat beside him on the edge of your bed.

"benj," he said, "you wanted to know what would drive me crazy."

you just nodded, staring at your hands.

"well. it's you." paul shrugged and you looked at him finally, cocked your head to the side quizzically. "you do. when you're really there i think i'll finally go completely crazy."

"when i'm finally there?" you narrowed your eyes slowly, not really liking the sound of that, and he shrugged.

"it really meant a lot to me that you cared enough to try all those different things," he said. "but i don't need anything special. just you, completely here with me. that's it."

you didn't think you deserved to, but you kissed him anyway. you kissed him deeply and passionately and tangled your fingers in his hair and slid your tongue across his. you kissed him forever, it felt like, until your lips were swollen and pink and you were both breathless.

you made love for three days. you don't remember leaving bed except to bathe, and even that was together. you made him crazy, and that made you crazy.

and you haven't had a sane moment yet.

Collide chapter 15

2004-10-19T04:40:30Z

Title: Collide chapter 15
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
Warnings: Very, very AU.
A/N: As always, a million thanks to zlobnaya for the awesome beta read. Wherein there are many meaningful conversations. And some meaningful other stuff. ;)

| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
| eleven | twelve | thirteen | fourteen |

Joel wakes up to heavy knocking on his door. He rolls over onto the floor and pulls on his boxers before making his way to the door, still half-asleep. The chain is still on when he opens it, and he's met by Gui's wide grin. "Hey man! 'Sup?"

He unhooks the chain and tosses the door open, collapsing into the armchair. "Hey."

"What the fuck, it's like twelve-thirty and you're still asleep?" Gui shuts the door behind him and makes himself comfortable on the edge of Joel's mattress.

"Yeah." Joel yawns hugely and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"Whatever." Gui leans back and looks around. "So Benji was pretty trashed last night. Everything a'ight?"

"Yeah." Joel smiles as evilly as possible considering his half-asleep state. "I brought him home and fucked his brains out."

Gui's eyes go huge and he springs to his feet, wiping his hands on his pants gingerly. "What de fuck, and you let me sit there? Shit that's fuckin' low, man."

Joel chuckles sleepily and stands up, scratching the stubble on his chin as he heads for the coffee pot. "You probably deserved that on like a karmic level or something."

"Yeah, fuck you." Gui takes the spot in the chair that Joel vacated. "So he was drunk huh? Never took you for the date rape type."

Joel almost drops the can of coffee in his hands. "Hey fuck you." Gui bursts into laughter and shakes his head.

"I'm fuckin' wit' ya. I seriously doubt that kid would ever say no to you, man. You got 'im around your finger like nothin'." Joel grunts and spills water on the counter instead of into the coffee maker. "'Ay man, I didn't hit a sore spot did I?"

Joel shakes his head and hits the on button. "No. Just." He leans forward against the counter, keeping his voice low. "I really fucking like him."

"Aaah." Gui nods slowly. "Well it sounds like you showed him pretty good last night, huh?"

"I guess." Joel shrugs, watching black liquid pour into the coffee pot. "I don't think he really gets it though. He probably figures I'm some horny knucklehead."

"Knucklehead? Damn, you are such a fuckin' white boy." Gui shakes his head. "I doubt he'd come back if dat was de case."

"Yeah, well." Joel leans back and turns around to face his best friend. "I tried to say something last night, like 'this is the first time I've had actual family see me fight' and he just stood there like I was speaking Japanese."

"Just took 'im off guard maybe?" Gui asks.

Joel sighs and grabs a wife beater from the floor. "Yeah. Or something, I mean, since we found out he's been really distant or something. Like he'll let me touch him, but he doesn't want it, and it's just kind of...like before we found out he blew my fucking mind, you know?"

Gui chews on a fingernail absentmindedly. "Give 'im time, man, tha's all ya can do I think."

"I guess so. I have fun with him and that's as much as I can hope for right now."

"Right." Gui stands up and walks to the fridge, poking through the food until he finds a can of Dr. Pepper hidden in the back. "This stuff'll ruin your bones, man," he says helpfully. "I'd better take care of it for ya."

"Fine." Joel smiles and crosses his arms over his chest. "Thanks for having my back on that one, buddy."

Gui shrugs and tips the can ever so slightly. "'S what I'm here for, man."

**

It's been over a week since the fight, and Benji's been throwing himself into his schoolwork. He's talked to Joel a little since then, mostly short conversations while one of them was busy.

Finals are coming up soon, too, and Mandy convinced Tim and Benji to study with her a few times a week. She's really pretty smart, always had some of the best grades in high school, and she's not bad to hang out with, either.

Tonight they met at Mandy's apartment for a cram session on Hamlet. Tim's been bitching all evening about how fucking pointless this shit is - they read this play probably six times in high school.

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you signed up for Shakespearean Lit," Mandy says sweetly, and Tim slams his book shut.

"Fuck it, I know what I need to." He starts shoving his books into his bag and stands up. "I'll see you guys later, I'm gonna go have a life, thanks."

Benji silently flips Tim off, and Tim smirks as he walks out the door.

"What the hell is his problem?" Mandy asks. Benji shrugs and scribbles in his notepad.

"He's just an asshole."

"Everyone knows that," she replies with a grin. "Anyway, I think he has a point. I've taken about as much Old English as I can stand."

"You wanna call it a night, then?" Benji asks, and she shrugs.

"As far as studying goes, yeah." She slides out of her chair and walks towards him, sitting on the edge of the table right in front of Benji. "I can think of something else we could do to keep ourselves busy." She picks up one bare foot and rests her toes on the chair between Benji's legs. "What do you say?"

Benji swallows thickly and gently moves her foot, standing up in front of her. "I can't right now, Mandy."

She pouts and wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her body up against his. "Oh come on. What's a little bit of fun gonna hurt?"

He's staring at her mouth, and he swallows and shakes his head, stepping backwards. He runs his hands down her arms and unhooks them from around his neck. "I just can't. There's a lotta reasons why."

She folds her arms across her chest and narrows her eyes thoughtfully. "It's that guy, huh? The street kid Tim was talking about?"

Benji sighs and shrugs. "Look, it's no big, I just don't wanna fuck around. Deal, alright?"

"Jesus, Benji, chill out. You didn't have a problem with it last time."

He's starting to get irritated. "Yeah, well, shit goes down, people change their minds, huh? Back the hell off."

Mandy's face softens a little and she touches his arm lightly. "Something's really bothering you about this, huh?"

Benji rolls his shoulders uncomfortably and cocks his head. "Not really in the mood to pour my little heart out here, baby."

"Yeah?" She raises an eyebrow. "Who you going to talk to then? Tim? I bet he's just overflowing with sensitivity towards your situation."

"Look, I'm not gonna fuck you, get over it. Jesus, you've never been the desperate type, don't start now." Benji starts organizing his things and sticking them into his backpack.

"Oh fuck you, I'm not desperate. I am still your friend though, you know."

"Oh, you mean it's not all about getting laid?" Benji retorts, "Because two minutes ago you were all up on me." He shakes his head, mumbling something about "fucking girls and their issues."

"Hey," she says softly. Benji doesn't acknowledge her, just keeps putting his things away, and she grabs his shoulder. "Hey! Look at me."

He turns around, holding a pencil in his hand. "What?"

She glances from the pencil to his face and drops her hand to her side. "Look, I didn't know you were having a crisis, okay, so I'm sorry I came on to you. Just don't get angry at me because you're afraid of liking this guy."

"I'm not afraid," Benji says sullenly, shoving the pencil into the side pocket on his backpack.

"Alright, hey, bad choice of words." She holds up her hands. "But something's obviously bothering you, and you should get it out before you go fucking postal or something."

Benji smiles a little in spite of himself and shakes his head. "It's not really that interesting."

"Oh please honey, I think at this point you've got the market cornered on interesting." She smiles. "So tell me about him."

Benji glances around and shrugs. "I don't know, Mandy, I don't really need people knowing stuff about me right now. Or him, for that matter, and I think talking would just...you know. You know?"

Mandy looks offended and rests her hands on her hips. "You know I don't run my mouth. I never have, and if it's really this important to you I'm not gonna start now."

"Sorry, I know." Benji chews his bottom lip.

She smiles and grabs her cordless phone. "What do you say we indulge ourselves; I'll order Chinese food and you can tell me about this guy of yours while we wait, okay?"

"Chinese food?"

She grins and dials a number from memory. "Well, if we're gonna make this a girl's night out, there's no calorie counting, right?"

"Bitch, what?" Benji's only half joking.

"I'm just teasing." Mandy laughs. "What do you want?"

Benji sighs, resigned. "Lemon chicken, I guess."

He plops back down in his seat and picks at the hem of his shirt while she orders.

"So." Mandy sets her phone down and leans back on the table. "Wanna talk? Or, oh, have you seen Bridget Jones' Diary?"

"Mandy," Benji says patiently, focusing a steady glare on her. "Just because I'm currently seeing a guy doesn't mean my penis fell off. Okay?"

"Sorry, it's just a really good movie." She hops up onto the table, crossing her ankles where they dangle in the air. "And you're seeing him, huh?"

Benji shrugs, trying to be as cool as possible, considering. "I don't know how serious we are. There's a lot of issues between us."

She narrows her eyes and cocks her head to the side. "So...what's the big deal, Benj? You're like a player, right, you fuck around all the time."

Benji sighs and covers his eyes with his hands. "It's just...it feels different, I dunno."

Mandy pats his cheek lightly, "Falling for the first time, huh?"

"Oh, Jesus Christ." Benji shakes his head and stands up. "This was a bad idea."

"Aw, come on, I'm just giving you a hard time." Mandy wraps her fingers around his wrist and smiles at him. "Just...tell me about the last time you guys were together."

"Last time? Last time was last weekend, and he had a boxing match that he won, and I drove him to the bar where his friends were and on the way i gave him a blowjob and then we hung out there and we both got really drunk and went to his house where we fucked all night."

"Uh huh." Mandy nods slowly. "And was there any talking during all of this?"

Benji shrugs. "Not so much, no. Well, one time he - he tried to start like one of those deep meaningful type things and I guess I waited too long and he went and hung out with his best friend for like an hour or something. I don't really know, I got pretty wasted right around then."

"So is that the problem then? Not enough talking?"

"I guess so. Mostly." He realizes this really won't help a lot since he can't give her the specifics, but whatever. It's kinda nice having someone willing to listen. "I'm not really sure what he thinks about us, you know? He says everything's cool, but I don't know for sure if I believe him or not."

Mandy smiles. "Typical man, then." Benji's about to reply when the bell rings, and Mandy disappears for the door. He sucks his bottom lip in between his teeth and picks a piece of lint off of the hem of his shirt.

"I hope you're hungry, this place goes all out," Mandy says, returning with a bag of carry out boxes. She disappears into the kitchen and returns with plates and silverware.

"Thanks," Benji says as he scoops some lemon chicken and fried rice onto his plate. She points her chopsticks at him and grins.

"Hey hon, you needed it." She takes a bite of food, dabs her mouth primly on a napkin and says "So why do you want to be with him anyway?"

Benji chews thoughtfully for a minute. "I don't know. He's like, totally different from anyone else I've ever done stuff with or even known, really. And he makes me feel really good somehow, comfortable and alive or something cheesy like that. I like the person I am when I'm with him."

She nods and chews some more. "Maybe, and I hate to suggest it, but maybe you should tell him that? You know, you don't have to be a dork about it, you can keep your manhood intact, just tell him you really want this to work 'cause you think you've got potential to make each other happy." She shrugs. "Something like that, anyway."

Benji shrugs, really not enjoying the thought of pouring his heart and soul out to Joel. He's pretty sure that wouldn't go over well; Joel doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd be impressed by desperate confessions of pure true love forever.

"Or at least, figure out what's keeping you from really going for it with him." She shrugs. "I've totally been here before, Benj, it's impossible to get feelings out of guys sometimes, especially if you're being serious, so you just gotta take the initiative on your own."

Benji chews on his lip thoughtfully. Really, the brothers thing has been eating him up inside, and he's starting to wonder if it really should. He likes Joel, likes being around him, and likes messing around with him, too.

Benji smiles slowly. "So basically I gotta grow a fucking pair?"

Mandy laughs brightly. "Time to sack up, yeah."

**

Benji knocks lightly on Joel's door and taps his fingers against his thigh. He called before he came over, making sure that Joel would actually be home.

The door opens and Joel smiles. "Hey Benji, come on in." Benji looks good, like he got ready just to come over. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Benji steps inside and leans forward as the door swings closed, cupping Joel's cheek and kissing him softly but passionately. Joel wraps his arms around Benji, more than a little surprised by his forwardness. He's usually the one coaxing kisses out of Benji, not the other way around.

Benji's scratching the hair on the nape of Joel's neck lightly, and when they pull apart he rests his forehead against Joel's, looking into his eyes. "Being in your arms is like coming home."

Joel's breath catches for just a second when Benji says that. It's exactly what he needed to hear - Benji actually gets it. Joel's eyes shine, and he leans in, kissing Benji this time with more force.

They stumble backwards, falling against the wall, and Benji laughs softly against Joel's mouth. "God I want you, Joel." He presses his body tight against Joel's and kisses him again, his hands moving over Joel's body. "I want you so badly."

Joel grins a little and dips his head to suck on Benji's throat, sliding his tongue along the smooth skin. Benji wants him. It's really a turn on, the fact that Benji wants to have sex on purpose again, like he did before they found out they were brothers. "What do you want?"

"Mmmm." Benji tilts his head to the side, shrugging out of his jacket. "Know what I really want? I really want you to suck me off. I've been dreaming about your lips."

"You dream about me?" Joel meets Benji's gaze.

"Yeah." Benji smiles and kisses him again. "Every night since I was five."

Joel grins and kisses Benji once more before he slides to his knees. There's no hesitation, nothing, Benji wants this, and he'll be damned if Benji is left wanting. He unzips Benji's pants and Benji rests his head back against the wall, tangling his fingers into Joel's hair. Joel's hand is warm as he frees Benji's cock and strokes lightly. Benji groans and looks down at his brother, and it's a relief that he's not worried that this is his brother. Their eyes meet, and Joel doesn't blink or move his eyes when he sucks the head into his mouth. He swirls his tongue over the sensitive skin and Benji arches his back, thrusting his hips slowly. "Fuck yeah, baby."

Joel's eyes flash and he slides his mouth further onto Benji's cock, setting a slow rhythm for himself. He wraps strong, rough fingers around the base and begins to stroke what isn't in his mouth. Benji tightens his grip on Joel's hair and closes his eyes, focusing on the slick heat on his dick.

Joel deep throats and pulls back slowly, and Benji groans again, smirking a little. "Joel," he says softly, cupping his brother's face. "Jerk yourself off."

Joel stares up at him for a minute and then grins, sliding his free hand down and freeing his own cock from his faded jeans. He strokes a few times and then sucks Benji back into his mouth. The added feeling makes his breath hitch, causing him to suck more deeply and Benji bucks his hips.

The sight of Joel on his knees, mouth full of cock and jerking himself off is easily the hottest thing that Benji has ever seen. "Fuck, Joel, more..." Joel looks up through his eyelashes and deep throats Benji again, swallowing around him. Benji groans, arches his back and comes hard, his hand spasming in Joel's hair. Joel slides his mouth off, swallowing as he does, and Benji tugs him lightly, urging him to stand.

They kiss; Benji tastes himself in Joel's mouth and can't help but think that they do taste alike. Joel inhales sharply when his hard cock rubs against the coarse fabric of Benji's pants. "Let me take care of you," Benji says with a smile. He tugs Joel's shirt up over his head and pushes his pants down.

"Here, lie down," he says, pointing at the bed. Joel licks his lips and nods, falling back onto his mattress. Benji kicks off his shoes and strips down, and then pulls Joel's pants and boxers off. He leans over and pulls the lube out of Joel's bedside table.

Joel watches as Benji squeezes lube onto his fingers. Benji slides his hand down between his own legs, pressing a finger in, closing his eyes tightly as he works a second in beside it. When he opens his eyes again, Joel is staring at him, wide eyed with lust. Benji smiles at him and slowly adds a third finger, twisting his wrist and moaning softly. He feels Joel's hands on his sides and finally removes his fingers, reaching beside him for the lube. He squeezes some more into his hand and slicks Joel's cock and then straddles him.

"Benj," Joel says softly, and Benji grins before lowering himself back onto Joel. He rests his hands against Joel's chest and starts to move, twisting his hips every so often until he finds the spot that makes him gasp.

Joel's fingers are digging into his sides, but he doesn't care. He pulls himself up, sliding back down again as he and Joel fall into a rhythm together, thrusting, lifting, pulling, sliding together sensually. Benji arches his back, tilting his face to the ceiling, and Joel slides one hand up Benji's chest and down again, resting on his cock. Benji is achingly hard again, and he speeds up as Joel begins to jerk him off.

They're both panting, moaning, each movement accentuated with a rush of breath or soft smacking sound. "Benji," Joel says, his breath catching as he speaks. "Benji, I'm gonna come..."

Benji nods, swallowing thickly. He wraps one hand around Joel's, making the friction on his cock increase. "Me too."

Joel's got his eyes fixed on Benji, and he's trembling all over, trying to hold off as long as possible. Benji rolls his hips and sits down quickly, and Joel can't fight it anymore. He comes hard, stars exploding behind his eyelids.

Benji watches Joel's body arch off the bed and then Joel's grip tightens and Benji feels him come, sending him over the edge as well. He collapses forward onto Joel's sticky chest, and they lie still for a moment, catching their breath.

Joel pulls Benji up for a long deep kiss. It's lazy, unhurried and Benji smiles when he pulls back. "I wanna fall asleep here tonight. Can I?"

"Yeah, of course." Joel runs his fingers through Benji's hair, watching the pink chunk flare brightly against the rest of his black hair. "I'd love to have you here all night."

Benji smiles and kisses Joel's neck. "So do something for me?"

Joel raises an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"Go to dinner with me on Friday?"

Joel chuckles. "Okay. Doesn't sound too hard."

"Nope. But maybe we can make it hard." Benji grins and bends over, sucking Joel's tongue into his mouth.

I walk through her hills/'Cause she knows who I am

2004-09-25T04:43:32Z

01

the mountains of peru whisper to chris at night. he stands at the window of their hotel room and stares at them beyond the city. they remind him of utah, but utah never felt this insubstantial.

at midnight the local news is replaced by static. chris imagines he can see words and faces in the white noise until paul tells him to turn that shit off and get in bed.

when the sun comes up the roosters on every rooftop in the city start to crow.

chris can hear the voices of people he's trying to forget through the din.

when paul asks him how he slept, chris shrugs and lies.

they go for a walk through a local market later, wallets clutched tightly in their hands, and paul buys a rosary. chris tries not to think about praying and focuses all of his attention on the bright blue sucker he bought from a little boy in rags.

there are too many people around him; he feels like they're telling him they know in voices too soft to really make out. he can still see the mountains above the tops of tents and shops, inviting him into their silent embrace.

minusthe__text

Collide chapter 14

2004-09-24T05:32:13Z

Title: Collide chapter 14
Chapter rating: NC-17
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
Warnings: Very, very AU.
A/N: As always, a million thanks to zlobnaya for the awesome beta read. I've already got the next part started, so there should not be as long a wait this time. Sorry, guys. I love you all.

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven | twelve | thirteen

Joel's hand is on Benji's thigh, and he's sliding his fingers lightly across the fabric of Benji's pants. Benji is trying his hardest to concentrate on the road and not on the fact that he's suddenly hot and hard. They haven't spoken much beyond Joel giving Benji directions to the bar, which is good as far as Benji is concerned, because he's got a lot on his mind and it may fall out of his mouth if he opens it.

"Turn right up here," Joel says suddenly, and Benji glances at him but does as he's told.

"I thought the bar was further down?"

Joel nods and grins. "Yeah. Little detour real fast. Trust me."

Benji nods and turns. The street is poorly lit and uneven, and there are tall buildings on either side. This part of town is mostly industrial; there aren't any other cars around. Benji's more than a little suspicious, but Joel looks content so he just keeps driving.

"Okay, now left into this parking lot up here," Joel says suddenly, and Benji navigates the Beamer into a dark, abandoned parking lot. "Just park over there, by that wall."

Benji pulls into a parking space and puts the parking brake on. "What are we doing here?" he asks, turning to Joel, who's still grinning.

"I just need a little something." Benji nods, but Joel makes no move to get out of the car.

"Um. Anything special?"

Joel reaches over and tugs Benji closer. "Yeah. One thing in particular," he says softly, and then kisses Benji hard. Despite his slight apprehension, Benji kisses back, moving his hand around to the back of Joel's neck as their tongues slide together.

Joel runs his hand down Benji's chest slowly and starts to massage Benji's cock through the fabric of his pants. Benji groans into Joel's mouth and breaks the kiss. "Joel..."

Joel just mumbles something and moves his mouth to Benji's neck and Benji tilts his head to the side for easier access. "Joel we should. I've been thinking, we should. Um." He's having a hard time forming coherent thought right now; Joel's hand has sped up and he's sucking hard on Benji's neck.

"We should what, Benj?"

"Uh. We should uh, maybe think about." Joel starts to unzip Benji's pants and he moves his mouth back up to Benji's. "Think about wh-what we-" His sentence is cut off as Joel's tongue once again invades his mouth, and he figures fuck it, at this point having some stupid talk about relationships would not be worth missing out on whatever Joel's got planned.

Joel has his fingers wrapped around Benji's cock now and he's stroking hard and fast. Benji whimpers and scoots as close as he can in the driver's seat, both arms now wrapped haphazardly around Joel's neck. He's completely hard, and he wiggles so that his pants slide down a little more. Joel sucks hard on his tongue and reaches down to tease Benji's balls with his forefinger every time he strokes towards the base of his cock.

"Talk to me, Benj," he says softly, once again moving his mouth to Benji's throat. Benji groans and leans back in his seat again, bunching up the bottom of his shirt with his hand.

"What...?"

"I don't care about what. Just talk to me." Joel hums softly against Benji's skin and tightens his grip; Benji swallows thickly and jerks his hips upwards.

"You e-expect me to be able to think?" Joel just slows down his hand, loosens his fingers until he's teasing, and Benji groans. "Alright, okay." He figures the best thing to talk about would be what he's thinking about right now. "When you were up there in that ring, hitting that guy, all sweaty and passionate, that was the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen in my l-life." His voice hitches as Joel speeds up again and bites his neck.

"You liked that?"

"Jesus Christ." Benji lays his head back and stares up at the roof of the car. "Yes." Joel tightens his fingers around Benji's cock and fists the head with every stroke, and Benji's shaking now. "Fuck, Joel."

Joel slides his free hand up behind Benji's neck and tilts his head forward for another deep kiss, and Benji whimpers against his lips and comes.

Joel keeps kissing him as Benji comes down from his orgasm. He's shaking and hot and feels completely boneless, and Joel's mouth tastes so good.

After a minute Benji reaches out and slides his hand up the inside of Joel's thigh slowly. "Need a little help there?"

Joel pulls back, smirking a little. "Just a second baby."

"Baby?" Benji can't decide if he's touched or offended; generally he's the one tossing out meaningless pet names like that, but coming from Joel it doesn't sound bad. It sounds...nice.

Joel just grins at him and shrugs, pushing his black Dickies down and off of his hips, along with his boxers. He's half hard, and Benji takes the initiative and starts to stroke him. Joel wraps his hand around Benji's and drops his head back on the seat, and Benji licks his lips, scoots back and bends over, wrapping his lips around the head of Joel's cock.

This is not as comfortable as Benji thinks it should be, and he kind of wonders why all the people who gave him blowjobs in this car never complained. But the actual blowjob is pretty distracting, as are the little sounds Joel keeps making, and Benji puts all of his concentration into the task.

Joel's still got his hand on Benji's at the base, and as Benji sucks more into his mouth he can feel Joel tensing. He sucks deeply and then pulls his mouth off, licking down the edge slowly.

"Fuck, Benj..." Joel tangles his free fingers into Benji's hair, and Benji flicks his tongue back and forth over the slit quickly. Joel is thrusting his hips now. Benji untangles his hand and rolls Joel's balls in his fingers as he deep throats his cock.

"So close...shit." Joel groans deeply, and Benji can feel him tense up more. He rubs the flat of his tongue against Joel's cock and then Joel comes with a deep moan of Benji's name. Benji swallows quickly and pulls up, licking Joel clean as he does.

He shifts a little and looks up at Joel, who dips his head and kisses him deeply. Benji slides his tongue against Joel's and thinks it's kinda hot that Joel doesn't seem to mind the way he tastes.

He can't help but wonder for a second if they taste exactly the same, since they're twins?

The thought sobers him a little, and Benji pulls back with a small smile. "Your friends are probably waiting."

Joel nods and starts to pull his pants up. "Yeah. We should probably get over there."

Benji leans over and fishes around in his glove compartment for a wad of napkins; quickly wiping off his thighs before he pulls his pants back on and straightens his shirt.

He starts the car again and turns to Joel with a grin. "I like your detours."

Joel just laughs brightly.

**

Benji pulls up in front of Fuller's, and Joel glances around before leaning over to steal a quick kiss. Benji can't help but grin at that - Joel is such a goddamned tease. They climb out and Joel holds the door to the bar for Benji. Loud music pours out as they walk in, and Joel waves at his friends in the corner.

They make their way over and Gui hands them both drinks. "Finally made it, huh?" Gui slaps Joel on the shoulder and winks lewdly. "That was a long shower, man."

"Shaddup." Joel grins and tugs Benji into the group. "Guys, this is Benji. He introduced me to Marty."

Everyone smiles at him, except the guy he argued with before, Zack. He's got a bleached blond girl on his arm whose breasts are spilling out of her tiny shirt, and if Benji weren't preoccupied he'd put the moves on her, just to piss Zack off.

"Benji." Joel pulls Benji's attention back to the group. "This is Trish and Lila."

Benji recognizes them from before, and he shakes their hands carefully, trying to avoid their complicated manicures. Trish is smacking her gum, and her lips are bright red. "Nice to meet you ladies," he says. They lean closer to him and Trish grins.

"The pleasure's all ours, sweetie." She slides her hand around and grabs Benji's ass, and he widens his eyes, more than a little surprised by her forwardness.

"Uh." Benji catches Joel's eye, and Joel is smirking. Trish gives one more squeeze and then looks at Benji with raised eyebrows.

"Honey, you got a nice ass." Lila perks up and reaches back, grabbing onto the other cheek, and Benji squeaks just a little.

"Oh, he does! Sweetie, you gonna go far with an ass like this, mmhmm."

They start to reach for the front and Benji steps forward quickly, moving towards Joel, who finally takes pity on him.

"Alright girls, you can play with him later, lemme introduce him around some more, huh?"

Trish pouts at Joel, full lipped and sumptuous. She bats her eyelashes at him and wiggles her chest, and Benji's eyes are immediately drawn to her impressive breasts. Joel leans forward so that there's less than an inch between their faces. "Whatever! Still gay."

Trish hits him in the chest and laughs. "Get the fuck out of here, Hole."

Joel laughs and leads Benji over to a huddle of three guys. "This is Max, Fat Eddie and Pinoch."

Fat Eddie thrusts a hand in Benji's face, and Benji shakes it. He really is a big guy, but he doesn't look necessarily fat. In fact, Benji's pretty sure the guy could destroy him in a second flat if he wanted to.

Max looks slightly Asian, Benji figures he's probably Filipino, and Pinoch looks Hispanic. They're both a few inches taller than Benji, and they look like they probably work out as much as Joel, but use it differently.

Someone calls Joel from across the room, and he takes off. Benji watches him go with a sinking feeling in his stomach, but he turns back to the other three and tries to make the most of being completely alone in a new place. "So uh, how long have you known Joel?"

Fat Eddie shrugs and takes a deep swallow of his beer. "Known 'im a long time, Gui's my cousin so I seen him at their place all the time back in the day."

"Oh, Gui's your cousin?" Benji smiles, "I like Gui, he's a cool guy."

Eddie shrugs. "I love the guy. Kind of a fuck up, but who ain't these days, eh?"

Benji decides that this is probably a good time to abstain from the conversation, so he takes a sip of his drink and glances around. The three guys start talking about something in Spanish, and Benji's considering going to find Joel when Pinoch nods in his direction. "So, where abouts you from, Benji?"

"Uh. I live in Manhattan, actually." Benji watches three pairs of eyebrows go up, and they all glance at each other.

"Manhattan, huh? You like it up there?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's okay." Benji shrugs and suddenly his feet are really interesting. Usually telling people that he lives in Manhattan is a good thing, but he figures it's probably not something that would win respect from these guys. He'd probably have to have an ear collection from people he's murdered or something.

Max takes up the questioning. "What you do for a living? You work or what?"

"No." Benji clears his throat. "I just go to school right now."

"Big fancy college man, huh?" Max chuckles. "I guess if you got the change, why not, huh? Proly wouldn't ever go myself, though."

Pinoch grins, and Benji notices that all of his front teeth are gold. "'Choo doin' round here? Why not go spend all that money you got, eh?"

"Uh, well. I don't personally have a lot of money. It's mostly my parent's..." Benji trails off, realizing that this point is not going to help his argument much.

Eddie looks about ready to comment, but Joel appears beside Benji and starts to pull him towards another crowd of people. Benji lifts his drink a little and says good bye, and then whispers a silent prayer of thanks.

Benji gets introduced around again, but this time he's pretty much left alone. They all seem more interested in talking to Joel about his plans, which suits Benji fine. He wanted to hear what Joel was thinking of doing anyway, and this way he doesn't have to talk about himself any more. He can see Trish and Lila dancing with each other in the crowd, and Zack has joined Max, Eddie and Pinoch.

Joel looks so happy here, like he's in his element, and Benji feels almost like he's intruding, staring in at something he's not supposed to be. He tells Joel he's going to get another drink and wanders off towards the bar, stopping on the way to say hello to Gui.

He gets his drink and sits down on a stool, staring at the bar. The condensation from his bottle leaves a ring on the smooth wood, and Benji smears it with his fingertip, watching the tiny drops spread as he moves them.

"Hey," a voice behind him says, and he turns quickly. It's the guy Joel fought last, Davis.

"Uh, hey," Benji replies. Davis cocks his head to the side.

"Sorry, man. You looked kinda like someone else from behind." Davis turns around and starts scanning the crowd, presumably for Joel.

"It's alright," Benji says. He stands up and starts looking for Joel as well. He doesn't know what Davis's intentions are, but he figures if he can find him, he'll give Joel a little heads up.

Too late, Benji notices Joel coming through the crowd beside Davis. "Hey, you made it!" he says happily, and Davis turns to Joel with a wide grin.

"Yep. Heard there was gonna be some good shit goin' down tonight, couldn't miss it, right?"

Joel laughs and shakes Davis's hand. "Come on, you need a drink." They saunter up to the bar, and Benji trails after them, unashamedly curious.

After Davis has his drink, he turns to Joel. "You probably wanna hear all about Marty, huh kid?"

Joel shrugs. "Yeah. That'd be great, yeah."

"He's an amazing manager." Davis takes a deep drink of his beer. "I was workin' with 'im for awhile, 'bout three years ago, but I got injured and couldn't do it no more, you know?"

Joel winces. "That's tough, man, sorry."

Davis shrugs. "It's alright. Ya know, I was pretty broken up about it for awhile, 'specially since the guy I was training with went pro after I got hurt." He takes another drink. "But Marty got him there, he's not fuckin' around when he says he'll get shit done."

"Wow." Joel is staring at Davis with respect and admiration, and Benji can't help but feel just a little bit jealous. "Why didn't Marty stay with that guy? Did he lose or what?"

"Naw." Davis shakes his head. "He just sold his contract, he really likes gettin' guys started, you know? Gettin' ya ready for the big games, putting you out in 'em, and then when you're ready he'll cut ya loose. But not 'till you're ready."

Joel nods thoughtfully, and then Gui hops up and holds out a hand to Davis. "'Ay man, good fight! Glad ya showed up! Wanna see where all de girls are hiding?"

Davis blinks and then grins. "Yeah, sure." He raises his bottle to Joel and takes off with Gui. "See you around, kid."

"Bye," Joel says softly. Benji slides up into the spot beside Joel.

"He seems cool enough."

Joel nods and then grins brightly. "Yeah he does. He really does." Joel throws his arm around Benji's shoulders and looks out at the people all around them. "This is like the best fucking night ever, Benj. I'm really glad you're here for it."

Benji smiles a little and turns to look at Joel. "I'm glad I could be, too."

"Yeah." Joel's smile falters and he creases his brow. "This is the first time any person from my real family has ever seen me fight, you know that?"

Benji swallows thickly and nods slowly. He's trying to think of something to say that won't completely destroy the mood, but Joel steps forward. "Well, um. I'm gonna go find Gui."

"Okay." Benji watches him disappear into the crowd and gets himself another beer. This family thing is just getting more and more confusing, and he's suddenly kind of glad he's surrounded by alcohol. He doesn't feel much like thinking any more.

As he gulps down his beer in a bar surrounded by strangers, he can't help but wonder what it would be like if he had a Gui of his own right now.

Collide chapter 13

2004-08-28T07:32:24Z

Title: Collide chapter 13
Chapter rating: PG-13
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
Warnings: Very, very AU.
A/N: First of all, I'm sorry this chapter took so long; it kicked my ass (no pun intended). Second, I must give a giant shout out thank you to zlobnaya for letting me babble at her and for being the best damned beta alive.

Finally, this chapter comes with a visual aid.

meegzi31 made me the most fucking amazing thing EVER. A banner for Collide! I don't think I've ever seen anything more awesome in my life, and I want to have a million of her babies. Go loooook. And then go tell her that she's awesome!

Boxer!Joel evidence. LOOK AT THOSE CRAZY MUSCLES! Jesus.

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven | twelve

Joel watches Benji walk down the hall for a minute and then goes back inside. He turns off the stove and pours out the pot that Benji set up. He watches the water spin down the drain and wonders for a moment how someone can be so honestly clueless. Seriously, water on the stove to warm up an apartment?

He's still hard and he can taste Benji on his lips, and thinking about Benji in any capacity, clueless or otherwise, is not helping. It's kinda hard not to, though; hell looking in the mirror would be a pretty good reminder. He sighs and pulls his shirt off, tossing it onto his coffee table without looking.

The bathroom, and in truth everything else, seems a lot smaller since the day Joel went to Benji's apartment. That place was huge, and filled with all kinds of pointless, expensive things. Things that, for whatever reason, he'd missed out on.

He digs his palms into his eyes and shakes his head. It's really not worth wasting thoughts over, Benji's parents made their choice and nothing can change that. No amount of what-ifs will help. He drops his hands and stares into the mirror, squinting until his reflection is blurry.

Having a twin does sort of explain a lot, he figures, pretending that it's Benji looking back at him. He's always sort of had that feeling like he was missing something important, but he could never put his finger on what it was before. And the past couple of weeks really have opened his eyes to that; he feels so comfortable with Benji, almost like he doesn't even have to speak.

Joel widens his eyes back to normal and pulls off his pants and boxers. He starts his shower and tries to think about anything besides his brother.

The fight is a good distraction. He considers going to work out later, but figures he should probably take it easy for tonight. Tomorrow's going to be the long day, really - he has to weigh in later in the evening and figures he'll spend the morning working on his style.

The room is bone-chillingly cold when he steps out of the shower, and he towels off quickly and grabs his sweat pants from the floor where he tossed them before work. His feet are freezing, and he grabs some thick socks and a long sleeved gray shirt from his dresser. He pulls a plain black hoodie on over that and curls up on his bed with the T.V. remote. Settles on a rerun of Family Guy and wonders idly if Benji's home yet, and if he got in trouble.

He's glad he doesn't have to worry about being accountable to anyone, but can't help but wonder if it's nice to have someone worry about him. Probably not even worth daydreaming about.

The show ends, followed by some asinine special about animals, and Joel turns it off. There are things he could be doing anyway, like cleaning. Or sleeping. The apartment is finally warming up, too, so Joel pulls off his hoodie and tosses it into his closet, along with the shirt he threw onto his table.

He stops to pick up some dishes from the table and notices something that definitely wasn't there this morning. He reverently scoops up the two comic books, and he can't help but wonder what the hell Benji would have been doing with these. They're in perfect condition as far as Joel can tell, and he's itching to take them out of the bags and look.

He walks over to where he tossed his jacket and fishes out his phone. He dials Benji's number, and it rings five times before Benji answers.

"Hello?"

"Hey Benj! This is Joel."

"Oh." Benji clears his throat. "Hey Joel. Um. What's up?"

Joel glances at the comics. "I think you left something here."

"Did I?" His voice is soft; he sounds confused.

"Yeah. Some comic books...?"

"Oh." There's a small pause. "Right. I actually got those for you, man. I totally forgot."

"For me?" Joel looks up from the comic books to the wall opposite him, slightly taken aback. "Why?"

"Ian said something about you liking comics and I saw some and thought of you. I honestly don't know anything about that stuff, though. Do you like 'em?"

"Yeah, yeah, they're awesome. I just...you don't need to buy me stuff, you know." There's silence on the other end, and Joel wonders if he lost the connection. "Benji?"

"Yeah. Well, I just wanted to. To do something nice for you." Benji's voice is small, like a child's.

Joel frowns a little. "Well, thank you."

"Yeah, sure."

There's another pause. "Are...is everything okay Benji?" Joel hears Benji inhale deeply.

"Yeah. Just...I'm fine, don't worry about me."

"You sure? You sound kinda off."

"Yeah. Seriously, I'm alright. Just tired and sore and shit, ya know?"

"Yeah." Joel can't shake the feeling that there's a lot more going on than Benji is letting on, but he's pretty sure he won't be getting it out of him tonight. "Well, thanks again, Benji. This is really. Um. It means a lot."

"I'm just glad you like them," Benji says simply, and Joel bites his lip.

"Well, you sound like you need to sleep. But I'll, uh, see you in a couple days."

"Yeah, I'm about to crash. I'll see you, Joel."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye."

Joel stares blankly at his phone for a long time, tracing a finger over the plastic cover of the comic book.

**

The fight is happening at a small boxing club in Brooklyn. Joel is there an hour before things start, and he pauses for a second outside the doors to collect himself. He takes a deep breath and then tugs the door open and steps inside. He's met by dim lights and Gui's enormous grin.

"Ya ready for dis, man?" Gui asks, and Joel grins.

"I'm ready. Gonna kick some ass today." He cracks his knuckles excitedly and follows Gui towards the locker room. Marty's standing at the door, and he shakes Joel's hand.

"Good afternoon, Joel."

"Hey Marty. Are the other guys here?"

"Yes." Marty opens the locker room door and holds it for Joel and Gui. "Your first match is against Frankie De La Rosa. He weighed in at one hundred sixty-three pounds, and he's known for his speed. Your best bet is going to be wearing him out. You've got strength and accuracy on your side, fast fighters can be rash. If you win that bout, you'll be fighting last week's winner, Rocky Davis."

"Right." Joel slings his bag onto the bench and looks around the room. It's brightly lit with three rows of lockers separating the fighters from each other.

"Remember that you're new to the scene, no one knows what to expect from you. Use that to your advantage, but don't be overconfident."

Joel raises an eyebrow at that but doesn't say anything. Marty really doesn't know what to expect either, after all. He keeps talking while Joel changes.

After about fifteen minutes Gui disappears, and Joel starts to do some warm up stretches. He's already pretty loose, he spent the morning practicing his moves and getting the blood flowing, but he's getting tense from nerves. Marty leaves after that, saying he's got some things he needs to take care of before the fights start, and Joel starts bouncing a little, rolling from his heels onto the balls of his feet and back again.

He can hear the murmur of people on the other side of the locker room and he tries to make out what they're saying, but it's no use. They're speaking too low. He checks his watch for the millionth time and exhales slowly.

Gui returns with a big bottle of water and shoves Joel back onto the bench. "'Ay man, whole crew's out dere!"

Joel grins and takes a drink. "Really? All of them?"

"'S far as I can tell, yeah." Gui starts ticking off his fingers. "Javie, Pinoch, Max, Zach, Ian, Frogs, Fat Eddy and Lila, Trish, Alberto, Winky. Everyone man!"

"Awesome." Joel starts bouncing his feet, and Gui shakes his head.

"You're gonna fall over or somethin', you keep doin' that."

Joel just shrugs and chews on the inside of his lip. "I'm really excited; I think this is gonna be a good fight, Gui. I can feel it in my bones."

"Now you sound like a prophet," Gui replies with a smirk. Joel tosses a towel at him, and Gui ducks. "Just sayin', man."

"So, did you see who I'm fighting?"

Gui smirks and nods. "Yep, got a peek at that De La Rosa guy. He looks like Pinoch, but like he really actually is a little pinocho, yeah?"

"Wow." Joel laughs. "I'm fighting a real live walking pussy, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Gui says solemnly. "Guy prolly couldn't fight his way into a cab, you got nothin' to worry about."

The door opens then and Marty walks back inside. "You'd better get ready, Joel. The referee will be in for inspection in a few minutes."

"Okay." Gui fishes around in Joel's bag and finds the tape, and he settles himself on his knees in front of Joel.

"Say, Gui, while you're down there..." Joel says with a leering grin, and Gui raises an eyebrow.

"You wish, man."

Joel smirks, holds his hands out and Gui starts to wrap them. He feels like he's gonna jump out of his skin. "Did you see Benji out there?" he asks.

Gui shakes his head and rips the tape. "Nope. Didn't have a real good look around, though, the gang was hanging out close to the door right here."

Joel nods and takes a few deep breaths. The referee walks in and gives Joel a little smile before he looks over Joel's hands. "Alright, looks good. Get the gauze on and I'll initial it."

Gui nods and quickly wraps a thin layer of gauze around Joel's hands, and the referee pulls out a black marker and initials the back of Joel's wrists. "And your gloves?"

Joel pulls them out of his bag and hands them over. The ref inspects them quickly, then hands them back so Joel can put them. As soon as they're cozy he looks one more time and then slaps Joel on the back. "Alright, looks good, son. Good luck out there."

"Thanks," Joel replies, and he stands up. Gui hands him his headgear and Joel pulls it on. "Better get out there, huh?"

"Yep."

He leaves the locker room with Marty and Gui, and they make their way over to the ring in the middle of the club. The room is full of people, and Joel scans the crowd quickly, looking for a familiar face. No one's popping out at him, though, and suddenly he's at the ring and stepping through the ropes.

Joel pops his mouth guard in and glances around. The lights always seem so much brighter up here, and he's dimly aware of Gui and Marty giving him advice as he stands in the corner and takes his first look at his opponent.

He's about Joel's height, Hispanic, and he's bouncing around like Joel was earlier. They walk to the center of the ring and knock their gloves together lightly, and De La Rosa flashes the dirtiest grin Joel's ever seen in the ring while the referee announces their names. There are a few scattered cheers as each of them is introduced.

The bell rings and they start. Joel keeps his gloves up, and De La Rosa swings first. The hit lands against Joel's forearms, and he steps backwards and then swings back, landing a solid blow against the side of De La Rosa's head.

Gui cheers when the first punch lands, and then keeps cheering. Joel is really tearing it up already, thirty seconds in. He's landed a few really good hits, and De La Rosa looks surprised.

None of them were ready for this.

The first bell rings and Joel spits out his mouthpiece. "How'm I doing?"

Gui slaps him on the shoulder. "You're up already, gotta be. You've got some pretty good hits in there, man, he ain't got shit."

Joel grins and then puts his mouthpiece back in and turns around. A few seconds later the bell rings and he's back in it. It looks like De La Rosa is fighting scared now, he's darting around, avoiding punches instead of throwing them. They're two and a half minutes into the round and Joel finally backs De La Rosa into a corner and throws two left-left-right combinations.

By the end of the fight, there's no question; Joel threw twice as many solid punches as De La Rosa. They stand in the center of the ring while the judges tally the points -- both are breathing heavily, and there's a thin layer of sweat on Joel's arms.

When they stand up and announce the numbers, Joel beams. He pulls his right glove off, and De La Rosa grudgingly shakes his hand.

"Did you see that?" Joel asks excitedly as they make their way back into the locker room. "I totally killed him. He didn't even see it coming, man, I just turned around and 'whap!' he was in the corner."

Gui grins hugely and slaps Joel on the shoulder. "I saw, man. I told you, you de best."

Marty's standing by the door, his arms crossed over his chest, watching the two of them closely. "That was a very good fight, Joel. There's certainly room for improvement, but all things considered, you looked very good."

"Thanks." Joel grins and glances around. "What now?"

"Now you get ready to fight last week's champion. He's actually won four weeks in a row, now. He's a smart fighter."

"Oh." Joel doesn't like the way that sounds. "Do I have a chance?"

"Of course." Marty slips his hands into his pockets and shrugs. "He over thinks things. Use that time to slip in with those combinations of yours." He pauses, pursing his lips, and then adds "You've got some very good combinations, by the way."

"Thanks," Joel replies. He drinks deeply from his water bottle. "How long until I go back out?"

Marty checks his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Right." Joel sits down on the bench and closes his eyes, trying to calm the adrenaline that came with the thrill of winning. He needs to be completely focused if he wants to win this next bout; there's a lot riding on what happens today.

He allows his mind to wander for a minute to bright lights and Vegas and HBO and holding up that belt and thinking that finally he'd made his life into something worth talking about.

Gui's hand on his arm startles him, and he opens his eyes just a crack. "Wassup?"

"Benji's out there. I just saw 'im t'rough de window."

Joel smiles faintly and nods. "Cool, thanks. Glad he made it."

"Yeah." Gui settles himself on the bench. "What'choo guys gonna do? Any ideas?"

Joel leans forward. "I dunno. I've been trying not to think about it, ya know? It's sort of distracting."

"Right, right." Gui shakes his head. "Sorry, man, didn't mean to dig stuff up or somethin'."

"It's no big." Joel shrugs and smiles back at his friend. "If nothing else this is a good way to vent the frustration, yeah? Plus, I mean, I haven't gotten any in like a week. I'm drying up. Lots of stuff to be angry and fight about."

Gui looks completely horrified. "A week? Man. That's not right." He pats Joel's shoulder lightly.

Joel starts to laugh and sits back, staring up at the ceiling. "Where do you think we'll end up next?"

"I dunno." Gui sits forward now, pressing his fingertips together. "Atlantic City, maybe? And then I guess de west coast, California, Arizona. Somethin' out there."

"As long as we get out of the neighborhood, I'm happy."

The door opens and Marty motions for Joel to follow him out. He grabs his headgear and pulls it on as he leaves the locker room, Gui at his heels.

His opponent, introduced as Rocky Davis, is taller than Joel by several inches. He nods, acknowledging Joel, and then the bell rings and they start.

Joel finds his headgear slightly restricting, now - he has to look up a little to aim his punches, and it's distracting.

He gets hit twice on the side of the head and once on the side, and he hops backwards quickly, taking a second to collect himself and appraise Davis's weak points.

He jumps forward, but only lands two solid hits before the bell rings. "Man, don't look up at him!" Gui says while they're in the corner, and Joel just nods. "He's slower than you, did you see how long it took him to get to you? Go for de sides."

"Right," Joel mumbles as best he can around his mouthpiece and then turns and starts back towards the center.

The bell rings, and they start again, circling each other, and Gui swears under his breath. They're both thinking defensively now, trying to size each other up, and if they keep doin' this all night it's just gonna be a draw. They grapple, foreheads meeting as they try and get around each other's defenses, but there are only a few real hits before the second bell sounds.

Joel looks pissed when he gets to the corner, and Gui really can't blame him. "You're doin' good, Joel. Just...take it up one more, yeah? You got him scared, 'cause he ain't kickin' your ass all over de ring, right. Surprise him."

Joel nods and heads back in. Davis doesn't seem to have time to react before Joel's glove connects with his head, and he drops his arms. "Yeah!" Gui shouts, but it's drowned out by the crowd behind him. Joel jumps on the opportunity, hitting Davis in the sides and arms quickly.

It seems to take Davis a second to collect himself, and then he hops backwards, his arms back up, and they're at a head again, both circling and jabbing.

Gui sneaks a glance at Marty, who's got his arms crossed again and is watching with the most expressionless face Gui's ever seen. It's like looking at a wall. A boring white one, at that.

The bell rings and Gui grins and slaps Joel on the shoulder. There's really nothing else he can say at this point, so he settles for something vague yet hopeful. "One round left. Make it count, m'man." Joel nods, his shoulders moving quickly as he catches his breath.

Davis looks like he's expecting something like last time; he's got his arms at the ready as they close in on each other, and Joel just unleashes. It's the last round, he's still got a lot of energy left, and he's ready to put it to good use.

He throws punches quickly, moving forward and driving Davis towards the corner. Davis does his best to counter the onslaught, but Joel's ready. He ducks the jabs and returns with combinations aimed at the openings Davis leaves.

Blood is pounding in Joel's ears; the crowd is cheering but it's a low-level buzz as the bell rings. He has no idea how he stacked up, Davis got some pretty serious hits in on him, and the wait for the scores seems to take way longer than usual.

When they finally announce them, Joel feels his stomach lurch. He won?

He won.

He grins and raises his hand, and he can hear all of his friends in the crowd shouting his name, and Gui is bouncing up and down excitedly. He can feel sweat dripping down his arms and back, and his head is hot and sore where he got hit, but he doesn't care.

There's someone behind him, and Joel turns to see Davis. "Good fight, kid," he says, and Joel smiles and shakes Davis's hand.

"Thanks. You too."

Davis nods towards the corner. "Martin your manager?"

"Yeah."

Davis nods and smiles broadly. "He'll take you places you ain't never thought of before. He's a good guy to have on your side."

Joel cocks his head to the side curiously. "What do you mean? How do you know?"

"I'll tell ya later." Davis nods at Gui. "Looks like your friend really needs some quality time with his champion."

Joel laughs and shakes Davis's hand one more time. "We're probably getting together at Fuller's later, if you want to come."

Davis nods. "I might show up. Thanks, kid."

"Yeah, no problem."

Joel heads over to Gui and steps through the ropes, hopping onto the floor. Gui throws an arm around Joel's shoulders and knocks his headgear off. "You're de fuckin' man, man!"

Martin shakes Joel's hand firmly. "I'll be calling you tomorrow. We have some paperwork to go over, Joel. That was a very good fight."

"Thanks Marty!" Joel grins enthusiastically.

Two sets of bright red lips connect to his cheeks, and Joel wraps his arms around the girls on either side of him. "Lila, Trish! I didn't know you liked boxing."

They grin and Lila smudges the red lip marks she left on his cheek. "We like you, we hadda see you kick some ass, baby."

"Motha fucka, you gettin' up on my woman?" Joel turns around and finds himself face to face with Fat Eddy, and he shakes head quickly, grinning at the look of mock affront on Eddy's face.

"Shut up, Eddy!" Lila says. "You know I always gotta give the winner his congratulations kiss." She untangles herself from Joel's arms and steps into Eddy's.

Winky and Alberto sidle up to them, followed by Frogs, Javie, Pinoch, and Max. "Congrats, man! You wiped that ring with those guys!" Winky slaps Joel hard on the back, and Joel laughs.

His friends have surrounded him and are all hollering and carrying on, and Joel is completely euphoric with adrenaline and excitement.

Benji watches all of this from the side. He feels like he should congratulate Joel on winning, but all of these people have taken over, and he doesn't know a single one of them.

He makes eye contact with one guy for a second, and that seems to be enough to warrant a reaction. The guy steps closer with narrowed eyes and a small sneer. "What the fuck are you looking at, rich boy?"

Benji curls his lip. "Fuck you, Junior G-Unit."

The guy's about to reply when Gui comes barreling past him and jumps on Benji. "Benhameeeeen! You made it, man!"

Benji's taken aback by that and can't help but smile. "Man, you're heavy." He lets go of Gui, who grins brightly. "And yeah, I couldn't miss it, right? It's Joel's big break."

"Gui?" the guy interrupts. "You know this guy?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Shut up, Zack."

Zack sneers a little and turns back to the crowd, and Gui starts to drag Benji towards Joel. Gui's rambling on, spouting out names and facts too quickly for Benji to retain, and so he just tries his hardest to remember what people look like.

Joel turns around, and he's got two lipstick marks on his cheeks and he's grinning like there's no tomorrow. He's still sweating, and Benji is trying really hard not to think about how fucking sexy Joel is right now. He's also trying not to get jealous of the girls who got to Joel first.

"Congratulations, Joel. You were awesome up there."

"Thanks!" Joel keeps on grinning. "I'm really glad you came, Benj."

"I'm glad I did too."

"Hey Joel!" A lanky black guy squeezes in between them and grins down at Joel. "We're gonna head to Fuller's now, you comin'?"

"Yeah Wink," Joel replies. "I gotta shower and stuff, but I'll be there. Get the party started for me."

"You got it man." Winky slaps him on the shoulder one more time and then walks off. "Hey, Alberto! Trish! Let's go, the beer ain't drinkin' itself!"

"Are you gonna come hang out?" Joel asks, and Benji shrugs.

"Sure. I can give you a ride, if you want."

"Yeah, thanks."

The crowd starts to disperse slowly, and Lila pecks Joel on the cheek once more as she and Eddy head past. Benji rolls his eyes a little; could her skirt be any shorter? He's really trying hard to be completely jealous and not at all interested, and anyway the guy she's leaving with looks like he could probably squash Benji in half a second. Gui leaves with Max and Ian, and finally Joel and Benji are the only two left of the group.

"I'm gonna go shower, I'll be out in like fifteen?"

Benji shrugs and gives him a small smile. "Cool, take your time. You earned it."

Joel glances around; there are still people milling about, and he nods towards the locker room. "Walk with me?"

They walk in silence, and Joel checks the room quickly before the door closes. It's empty, and as soon as he hears the click of the door he pulls Benji between a set of lockers and kisses him deeply. The heat and excitement of the fight surges through his blood and Benji just looks so good.

Benji groans and slides his hands up Joel's arms, and Joel presses his tongue into Benji's mouth, raw and passionate. Joel grabs Benji's hips, pulling him closer; he can feel Benji's arousal through their clothes, and he rolls his hips, flicking his tongue along the inside of Benji's lip as he does.

"We shouldn't start something we can't finish," Benji pants against Joel's mouth, and Joel lets out a breathy laugh.

"Yeah you're right." Joel sucks Benji's lip into his mouth and runs the tip of his tongue over the soft flesh slowly. "I really need to go shower. I'll be right out."

"Yeah." Benji nods and kisses Joel one more time. "Okay, yeah."

Joel grins and grabs his bag. The shower is cold and helps calm him down a lot, and he changes into his clothes quickly. He brought some black Dickies and a dark blue fitted t-shirt, and he can't help but smirk when he sees Benji's eyes light up as he leaves the shower room.

"Ready to go?"

Benji nods mutely and stands. They're almost to the doors, and Benji turns so that he can speak softly. "You look really good in blue."

"I know." Joel grins and holds the door open. Benji's car is parked on the street a little ways down, and Joel slips his hands into his pockets while they wait for traffic to clear.

This is, by far, the best night he's had in a long time.

Word to teh pwp

2004-08-09T04:59:24Z

Title: Get Inside
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
A/N: I was talking to meegzi31 and somehow the idea of Benji playing in an industrial band came up, and dude, can you get hotter than that? No. No you really can't.

I love going to my brother's shows. I love the music, I love the energy, I love watching him on stage. Music gets him worked up like nothing else - it seeps into him while he's playing, completely engulfs his soul until it's completely the focus of everything in his life.

I wish that I could elicit that sort of passion in him. I can come close, but only after a show. Only after he's completed his affair with the sounds he's created.

Tonight's just like any other, really. I show up with the band, help them carry things in, and then I make my way out to the floor. I've only seen the show from the side twice - there's something much more enjoyable, more primal about experiencing the music with others.

The room is filling quickly; they'd never admit it, but the band is getting pretty big. Industrial's the new punk, I guess as I look around.

By the time the lights dim there are people crammed up all around me. There's a soft rumble of voices in the room, punctuated now and then by someone shouting, and then the lights are off completely and people are starting to go apeshit. They're yelling and screaming and someone beside me starts to jump.

And then the band walks out and without a word they hit the first notes. I know their routine so well, and still every time is like the first because everyone around me is seeing it for the first time.

Benji grins hugely at the crowd, and I can see him searching for me. He always does that, he finds me in the crowd in the beginning and after that it doesn't matter. Our eyes finally meet, and his eyes narrow suggestively. He licks his lips and I swear to God I'm going to lose it.

And then he looks away, lost in the song, and I start to dance. I love this shit so much, I love their music, I love the throng of people all around me, I can't get enough of watching my brother jumping around on stage.

There's a boy beside me, he looks like he's gotta be seventeen, eighteen. Younger than me, anyway, but I don't care. He's into the music, his eyes are closed and his arms are raised and his hips are moving. I watch him for a while, keep my eyes trained sideways on him for two songs.

The band moves straight into my favorite song, the one Benji wrote, and he wrote it for me. It's fast and deep and sensual, and he likes to hum it when he's fucking me. The kid looks euphoric, and it must be his favorite too. I move through the crowd, slip my arm around his waist from behind, and I can see that it startles him, but he doesn't pull away. He drops his arms, rests his hands on top of mine, and we move together to the music.

I know he can feel how aroused I am, I'm hardly trying to hide it. I look up at the stage over the guy's shoulder and watch Benji, and I lick salty skin slowly. The guy groans, moves back against me, and I catch Benji's eye as I slowly run my tongue over the shell of the guy's ear.

I see Benji swallow thickly, and I smile and grind my hips up against the kid. We're moving in time with the music, our bodies filling in the gaps in the sound, and my eyes haven't left my brother yet. He's staring at me and he licks his lips every once in awhile, making those lip rings glint in the flashing lights.

The guy has his head back on my shoulder, and I'm still sucking on his neck. Kid's gonna have some nice souvenirs from tonight, I think, and I slide my hands up underneath his shirt. We're still moving together, and I know Benji wants this, wants me. The guy's hands fall back, rest on my hips, and I grind against him again, press my aching erection up against his ass. The fabric of my boxers is so damn confining, but it's good. It's keeping me from doing anything stupid.

Benji starts to mouth the words to the song, still staring directly at me. I smile at him, a slow, seductive smile that creeps up to my eyes, and then I turn my head and kiss the guy hard, deep. I keep his back against my chest, making sure that Benji can watch every movement we make, see every single flash of tongue on tongue.

The song comes to an end and I suck hard on the guy's tongue before I step back, melt into the crowd behind him. I see him turn, search for me, but I'm already lost in the shadows. Benji's lost me as well, but he'll have me soon enough.

I walk outside and light a cigarette, and the cold air helps with my hard-on. I'd hate to show up after the show and be too turned on. There are some kids hanging around outside the venue and they look like they're getting ready to come over and ask questions, so I flick my cigarette and walk over to the back entrance. The security guys recognize me from earlier and so I just walk inside.

The band is still playing, but it's their last song. I lean back against a wall and light another cigarette. I always think maybe I should quit smoking, but Benji says it's hot. I hear the music end and their singer is saying his thank yous.

And then, finally, I see them walking towards me. Benji hands his guitar off to someone, and when the others turn down the hallways, Benji keeps coming. He's got a spark in his eyes, one I've come to recognize all too well.

"Nice show down there," he says, his voice low and rough with arousal. I smirk and take a drag on my cigarette, and he walks past me and through a doorway. I can smell him when he walks by. I flick my cigarette onto the floor, crushing it beneath my shoe.

He left the door open and I let it swing forward. The room is dark, I can't see him anywhere, but I'm really not interested in finding a light. The door closes behind me with a soft click and then his hands are on me, sliding up my torso. My eyes are adjusting to the light now, and I dip my face down to kiss him.

He slides his tongue into my mouth and slams me back against the wall. It always goes this way: heady, fast, desperate. We never speak. The kiss is wet, tongues moving against each other haphazardly, and I can feel every inch of Benji's body through his clothing. I slide my hands up his sides, dragging my nails over thin fabric and hot skin.

Our clothes are being shed quickly, and somehow we manage to keep our mouths on each other. His cock is pressed against my thigh, and I slide my hand down, wrap my fingers around it and stroke, grinding against him. He's so hard, it's amazing that just being on stage can do this to him. He drops his head to my neck, starts to suck and bite and lick, like he's trying to emulate what I was doing to that guy earlier.

His mouth slides wetly over my collarbone and I groan, tightening my grip on him. There's nothing like this, this euphoria is better than any drug. And then he grabs my shoulders roughly, spins me around so that I'm facing the wall, and he's gone. There's nothing behind me but cold air. I can hear him rustling around, and then his hands are on my ass, slick fingers pressing inside of me.

My eyes fall closed and I arch back towards him as he scissors his fingers inside of me. Jesus, he knows me so well. Knows how to make even this bring me to the edge. He kisses the back of my neck, sucks the hot skin into his mouth and I groan again.

And then his fingers are gone and I feel his cock pressing inside of me. He wraps his arm around my waist and steps forward, pushing inside with little thrusts. His hands are wandering all over my body, sliding over my skin, teasing my nipples and he's completely inside, now. His body is slick against mine as he starts to thrust, and I spread my legs, giving him more to work with. I move my body back against his, tilt my head back and he slides his mouth to the side of my neck.

He rolls his hips a little and now he's hitting that spot, and I cry out softly, bite my lip and drop my head forward. His thrusts are growing more frantic, and he reaches forward, wraps his strong hands around my cock and starts to stroke me hard in counter to his movements. I can feel his wet hair tickling the back of my neck, his open mouth on the spot between my shoulder blades, and he's panting.

"Fuck," I moan just before I come. My entire body tenses, I try and hold it off as long as I can, but tonight I just can't. I feel myself tighten around him, hear his ragged breath catch as I come, and moments later he follows suit.

He keeps his arm around me as his cock slips from my body. I can feel him against me, almost as if he's got no strength left, and I turn slowly, wrap my arms around his middle and pull him close. Kiss his eyelids and his nose and suck his bottom lip into my mouth.

"Joel," he says softly, and I'm a little startled. We usually just get dressed in silence and return to the others with an air of innocence.

"Yeah?"

He slides his hand down my stomach slowly. "Nothing makes me feel like you do, you know that?"

"What?" I catch his eyes in the darkness, searching them for any hints, anything that might give away some answers.

"Just..." He shrugs, turning from me and starting to pick up his clothing. "You know, you get inside me, man." He turns back to me, licking his lips, and I see his lip rings move in the darkness. "Nothing makes me go crazy like you, not music, not anything."

I follow his movements with my eyes, and right now I love him more than anything. I've always loved him, yeah, from the moment we were born, but this is definitely something more. Something almost tangible.

"Anyways," he says, handing me my pants. "We should get back. I'm sure that kid you were dancing with wants your number."

I groan and smack him lightly. "Shut the fuck up." He's already mostly dressed, and I quickly pull my clothes back on. I like this. It's...relaxed. Benji opens the door and I trot after him, offer him a cigarette. "Hey Benj?"

Benji's face glows for a second while he lights his cigarette. "Yeah?"

"When's your next show?"

Benji grins.

Collide Chapter 12

2004-08-04T07:21:58Z

Title: Collide chapter 12
Chapter rating: PG-13
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
Warnings: Very, very AU.
A/N: Verily I say unto thee, that this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.

Thank you forever to zlobnaya for running the marathon with me and curing my neurosis.

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven

Benji's on his way back to Manhattan. He knows about a brand new Whole Foods supermarket on 14th street, and he wants to get some food for Joel. He navigates his way to a parking garage around the corner, drops his car off with the attendant, takes his ticket and then makes his way out into the street.

The wind has started to blow, and he pulls his coat up around his neck and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He's idly imagining hot chocolate by a roaring fire and cursing the stupid April weather. It was like sixty degrees the day before.

He turns a corner and glances up, then does a double take when he sees the store up ahead. It's called Forbidden Planet, and the windows are full of science fiction looking toys. "Comic book crap," he whispers, remembering what Ian said about Joel, then pushing the door open and stepping inside. It's stupid, but he really hopes that no one he knows is hanging around. The rumors alone would be enough to kill him.

Benji feels completely lost in here; no one he knows was ever into this sort of stuff. The store is claustrophobic, stuffed with toys and comics and little parts for video games. Benji notices a guy by the door, he has a thick unruly beard and kind of smells like... cat pee.

He quickly moves away from the strange guy and starts poking randomly through little displays of various toys. He has no idea what he's looking for, but figures maybe if he's lucky something will catch his eye. Some of the toys are in boxes and some are in little packets, and Benji can't help but wonder what is up with that.

He spots a comic book display towards the back of the store and starts to pick his way towards it. There are racks and racks of them, all sorted by title and issue number.

They all look pretty much the same to him. He does recognize some of the names, obviously - Spider-Man, Superman, Hulk - but what if those are too main-stream? He shrugs and pulls out the first two in the Spider-Man box and heads for the front. The comics are wrapped in plastic covers and Benji slides them from hand to hand as he walks.

Benji walks up to the register and sets the comics on the counter. It's pretty high, and the guy behind it is staring down his nose at Benji. "Spider-Man, huh?" he asks, and Benji shrugs. The guy's name tag says Rory, and his face is probably at least fifty percent metal. He's got some annoying tribal half-sleeve tattoo thing going on, and Benji balks a little.

"It's a gift," he replies shortly, and pulls out his wallet.

"Old school Spider-Man, that's one hell of a gift, man. That'll be one hundred twenty seven dollars and sixty-eight cents."

So maybe he's not doing so badly after all. Benji smiles a little. "They're for one hell of a person," Benji says handing over his credit card.

Rory nods and swipes the card, and then hands over the receipt and a pen. Benji signs quickly and takes back his card.

"You want a bag?"

"Yeah, please." Benji accepts his new purchase and leaves as quickly as possible, glancing around to make sure no one spotted him. He knows that Tim would get endless satisfaction from information like this.

Whole Foods is just around the corner, and Benji makes it there quickly. He steps inside and takes a deep breath; the store smells like money. Also like food, but mostly money. It's a brand new store, with bright lights and shiny floors and lots of space for people to move around in.

For the first time all day, Benji feels completely comfortable.

He grabs a hand basket and starts poking around. He doesn't really know anything about boxing, but he figures he should probably lay low on the carbs. He grabs a container of hummus, and makes his way through the vegetables, picking up some carrots, tomatoes, celery. He also grabs some fresh cut melon, pineapple, and a small bag of cherries.

He wanders around, adds some good seven grain bread, wraps and a big bag of jumbo cocktail shrimp to the mix. He picks up a container of freshly made cocktail sauce as well, and some paté.

There's a medicinal section, and Benji meanders into it, wondering idly if there's anything he could put on his cuts and bruises. Everything has some kind of organic name, and Benji reads the backs of several boxes until one catches his eye.

It's called Arnica Gel, and according to the box it reduces swelling, bruising, and pain. All in one simple gel. Benji is more than a little impressed, and he adds a jar to the basket. On a whim he throws one in for Joel, as well.

He's making his way towards the front when he spots the foreign foods section, and he thinks for a second about what sort of stuff Gui might like. He doesn't know Spanish food from Adam, though, so he just randomly grabs a package of red beans and some rice.

He picks up a small thing of lasagna and his basket is starting to get heavy so he makes his way through the line, gets everything paid for, and heads back out into the cold.

An hour later, Benji is back at Joel's. It's five-thirty, Joel should be off work in half an hour. Benji grabs his shopping bags and heads up to the apartment.

It's freezing when he gets inside, and he checks the thermostat. It's on, everything looks okay, but nothing's coming out of the vents. "How the hell does he live like this?" Benji mutters to himself.

He fishes around in Joel's cabinets until he finds a large pot, and he fills it with water and sets it on the stove. He honestly has no idea if it's going to help warm the place up at all; he's never had to take drastic measures to be warm before.

He pulls out the comics he bought and looks at the covers. The temptation to take them out of the protective plastic is eating at him, but he resists. Nerds generally wrap things up for a reason, he figures.

There's some space on Joel's little table, and he clears it off and sets them down before starting to unpack the food. Joel's fridge seems impossibly tiny now that there's food going into it.

Having the stove on doesn't really seem to be helping, and Benji's starting to wish he had a pair of gloves. His whole body aches from the cold in the room; it feels like it's seeping into his bones through his skin. He's almost done putting things away when he hears the key in the door, and he turns quickly when it opens.

"Uh. Hi," Joel blinks. "I wasn't expecting you to be here."

Benji shrugs. "I wasn't sure I'd come back or not." He glances to the side and then grins hugely and spreads his arms. "But here I am!"

Joel chuckles and rubs his hands together. "Here you are. It's a nice surprise."

Benji steps forward and emulates Joel's hand rubbing. "I um. I dunno what's up with the heater. I couldn't make it work."

"Yeah, I talked to my neighbor on the way up, she said it's broken." Joel shrugs. "It happens a lot here."

"A lot?" Benji's not sure he's ever been this appalled. "That's really awful, Joel. You shouldn't have to live like this."

Joel starts walking around the apartment, curls his lip a little and throws his keys onto the counter a little harder than probably necessary. "Yeah, well, most people shouldn't. But we do, so whatever. We deal," he snaps.

"I guess." And now Benji feels like a complete jackass. Again. "Sorry."

"Don't sweat it." Joel is rooting through the small closet next to his bathroom, and Benji watches him pull out a small space heater. "See? Not much, but in a place this small it works great."

"Cool," Benji says softly.

Joel plugs in his heater and plays with the knobs, and then straightens, smiling. "So, Benji, whatcha cookin'?"

"What?" Benji blinks, completely confused, and then Joel points to the pot on the stove. "Oh! Um. Water."

"Water?"

"I thought it would help warm up. I didn't know you had a heater."

"Right." Joel gives him a light kiss and then sidesteps towards the fridge.

"So anyways," Benji says. "I got you something."

"Oh yeah?" Joel pulls open the fridge and his eyes go wide. "Oh."

Benji smiles. "You like?"

"You got me food?" Joel turns to look at Benji slowly. "Why did you get me food?"

"You didn't have any. I thought you might like some."

"Well. You bought me liverwurst?" He makes a face and holds up a bag.

"No! It's foie gras!"

Joel blinks. "Fwah what?"

"Never mind." Benji takes it from Joel and sets it back in the fridge. "Just put it on toast. It's good on toast."

"Okay." Joel pokes through the fridge a little more, and shakes his head a little. "I had food, you know."

"Like what?"

"Um." Joel opens a cupboard and moves aside some stuff Benji put in it. "Peanut butter."

"Right."

"I also had some pickles left, I think." Joel looks at the peanut butter thoughtfully. "Peanut butter and pickles wouldn't be so bad..."

"Nasty." Benji makes a face and closes the cabinet door. "How are you not dead?"

Joel shrugs. "Gui cooks for me."

"All the time? He doesn't live here." Joel starts to advance on him, a slow predatory gleam in his eye. "Well you know, I just though you could use some extra..." Joel keeps coming and Benji backs up a step. "... Stuff."

Joel is right on top of him now and Benji feels his back hit the wall as Joel licks his lips. "I can always use ... stuff."

Benji rests his hands on top of Joel's upper arms. He was never really into this so much, but damn, Joel is just. Nice. All muscular and cut, and Benji suddenly realizes that Joel is wearing a t-shirt, and his skin is hot under Benji's fingertips. He squeezes Joel's arms reflexively, and damn it, he's hard. Really hard. His eyes widen just a little - there's no way he can just let on how very turned on he is.

Joel chuckles and dips his head, sucks hard on the spot where shoulder and neck meet, and Benji groans. He rolls his hips, and is rewarded with a soft moan of approval from Joel.

He turns his head a little and kisses Joel deeply. Their tongues slide together wetly, and Benji moves his hands down Joel's back and then up under his shirt.

He's still pretty sore, but he's ignoring it for now. Joel is sucking on his lip, and Benji groans softly and once again rolls his hips forward.

Joel inhales sharply and gently pulls Benji as tight against him as possible. He's moved his mouth and is pressing wet, teasing kisses along Benji's jaw line.

Benji's phone rings suddenly, startling him, and he sighs and fishes in his pocket.

"Let it ring," Joel says, reattaching his mouth to Benji's neck.

"I can't. It's my mom."

"Mmm. How do you know?"

Benji sighs and pulls his phone out. "It's her ring."

"Your mom has her own ring?" Joel doesn't seem at all interested in stopping what he's doing, and Benji really doesn't want him to anyway.

"Yeah, well." He tilts his head to the side to give Joel better access and flips open his phone. "Hello?"

"Benjamin? Where are you?"

"Hi mom. I'm kinda busy, what's up?"

"Benji, I want you to come home right now." She sounds pretty upset, and Benji rolls his eyes.

"Okay. I'm just gonna finish up here, though."

"No. Benjamin, you haven't been home in two days, and Tim called and asked if you went to the hospital. What's going on?"

Shit. Benji closes his eyes and tries to think of slow, very painful deaths for his best friend. "Don't worry, mom, I'm fine."

"I'll have to see for myself. I want you home now."

Benji sighs again and takes a small step backwards, away from Joel. "Okay. I'm uh, I'm at the library, I'll be home in like an hour, okay?"

He hears his mom sigh heavily. "Fine. If I don't see you in an hour, there will be hell to pay, Benji."

"Fine. Bye." He closes his phone and looks up at Joel with a rueful smile. "I gotta go home, my mom sounds pretty upset."

"I heard." Joel kisses Benji once more. "Sorry I got you in trouble."

"It wasn't your fault. Tim's the one who called her." Benji leans forward and kisses Joel again. "I should go."

"Yeah," Joel agrees, and then kisses Benji back. Benji sucks Joel's tongue into his mouth and wraps his arms around his neck tightly. He knows he should go but Joel's mouth is just so damn tempting. Hell, Joel's everything is damn tempting.

Joel pulls away after a moment and runs his thumb over Benji's lips. "I seriously cannot get enough of this mouth," he says softly, and Benji feels his cheeks warm a little.

"I was totally just thinking the same thing," Benji replies, wrapping his lips around Joel's thumb and sucks teasingly on it.

Joel closes his eyes and sighs heavily. "That's really not fair, you know," he says, and his voice is low and husky. Benji raises his eyebrows questioningly and Joel leans forward. "Teasing me like this when you know you have to leave."

"Mmm." Benji lets Joel's thumb slide from his mouth and then grins. "Think of it as a preview for next time."

"That had better be a promise," Joel says. He leans forward and kisses Benji deeply once more before he pulls back. "You'd better get out of here before I take advantage or something."

"It wouldn't be taking advantage, believe me," Benji replies. "But I should go. My mom sounds like she's ready to have a heart attack."

"Yeah." Joel shoves his hands into his pockets and starts to walk with Benji to the door. "Hey, um. Drive safe. And thanks for the food and stuff."

"It was no problem, really." Benji smiles and pecks Joel lightly on the mouth. "I'll see you for sure in a few days."

"Alright, cool. I'll call you sometime." Joel holds the door open for Benji. "Good luck with your parents."

"Thanks." Benji gives Joel one last smile. "See you later."

"Bye."

Benji starts down the dark hallway and hears the door close behind him.

He gets into his car and starts to worry. He checks his eye in the rearview mirror, hoping that the bruise stuff works fast, because his mom is seriously going to freak out. He sighs and takes off.

An hour later he pulls into the parking garage for his building. He spent the entire drive composing his excuses, and he thinks he's got them down now. The lobby and the elevator are warm, and he takes off his jacket, folds it over his arm and wishes he could send some of the heat to Joel.

He pauses outside his door and takes a deep breath, then pushes his key in the lock and walks inside. "I'm home," he calls, though he heard his mom coming from the living room as soon as the door opened.

"Benji," she says, walking quickly toward him in the hallway. "Where have you been, we've - Oh my god, your face!" She closes the distance between them and grabs Benji's shoulders, pulling him close. "What happened to you?"

Benji squirms a little and rolls his eyes. "I'm fine, mom, let go of me."

"This is not fine, Benjamin. Put your coat on, I'm driving you to the hospital."

"Mom!" Benji shakes himself free and steps around her. "I don't need to go to the hospital." He stalks down the hallway and into the bathroom. He doesn't close the door, just leans forward and starts to peel the gauze off his eyebrow slowly. It hurts like hell.

His mom appears in the doorway and she's watching him closely. "What happened, Benji?"

"Some guy pissed me off, so I hit him in the fist with my face." He winces as the last of the tape tugs on his eyebrow. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

She sighs and crosses her arms. "I don't like the idea of you fighting, sweetie. It's extremely crass."

"It's not like I went out with the intention of fighting." Benji wets a washrag and starts to dab lightly at his cut. Now that it's starting to heal it looks pretty gross. It's starting to scab over and he wrinkles his nose.

"We really should get that looked at," his mom says again, and Benji sighs.

"Seriously, it's not that bad."

"Not that bad? Benji, it's a huge gaping hole on your face. At the very least let me call Doctor Riggins and set up an appointment - he can make sure it doesn't scar."

Benji turns and gapes at her. "Are you serious?"

"Of course. You don't want to walk around with a giant cut on your face for the rest of your life, do you? You'll look like a hoodlum." She says it like a curse word.

Benji just stares at her. "You want me to get plastic surgery? Mom, people are like, freezing to death down the street, and you want to just..." He shakes his head. "No. I'm not gonna do that." He starts digging through the drawer under the sink, looking for some gauze or band aids or anything.

"Benji, please be reasonable."

"I am being reasonable!" he mutters darkly. He finds a box of large band aids and carefully sticks on over the cut. The ends of the wound are still sticking out a little, but he figures fuck it, if it gets infected maybe his mom can sign him up to get his whole face amputated.

His mom sighs. "Fine." She walks away, and Benji feels a little bad, he probably could have pretended to care a little bit more. He looks at the rest of his face - his lip is still bruised but the swelling there and along his jaw line seems to have gone down almost completely.

The rest of his body still aches and he considers taking another bath; not yet, though, he's hungry.

The lights are dimmed in the living room and Benji figures his mom must have retreated into her study. There's no sign of his dad yet, but with his luck his dad is lurking somewhere, lying in wait for the moment Benji lets his guard down.

He flicks on the light in the kitchen and opens the fridge. There's really nothing that looks easy or appetizing, and he settles for a bag of baby carrots.

He kicks the refrigerator door closed and leaves, crunching the carrots loudly. There's something infinitely soothing about crunching things, he thinks idly as he walks. He's just about to his room when the door to his father's study opens, startling him. "Dad! You scared me."

His dad raises an eyebrow and then steps to the side. "Why don't you come talk to me for a minute, Benjamin."

"Um. Okay." Benji swallows a mouthful and walks into the study. The room is impressive, Benji's always been kind of awed by it. Bookshelves line two walls, and there are thick, floor-length drapes covering the windows. He sits down carefully in a large leather chair and his father sits down across from him at his desk.

"Would you like a drink, son?"

Benji raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "No thanks. I'm good."

"Fine, fine." His dad folds his hands in his lap and sits back. "So, your mother tells me that you've been fighting."

"Um." Benji clears his throat and shrugs. "It wasn't intentional; I didn't go looking for it, or anything."

"I understand that." His dad looks thoughtful. "Was it aggravated? Do we need to involve the authorities?"

Benji widens his eyes and shakes his head. "No, no. No authorities." Could he have more over reactive parents? Jesus.

"And why not?" his dad asks. "Would there be any evidence against you, by chance?"

"What?" Benji is completely taken aback. "No, I didn't start it or anything. He hit me first."

"Good." His dad is silent for a moment. "Why won't you go to the hospital?"

Benji shrugs and keeps his eyes glued to the floor. "I don't really think I need to. It's really not that bad, I don't want to make a big deal about it."

His dad nods slowly. "And where were you last night?"

Benji shrugs. "I was with a friend."

"Which friend?"

"Uh. Mandy. Mandy Baker. Her dad is at Bear Stearns."

His dad narrows his eyes slightly. "I certainly hope that nothing happened."

"Nothing happened." Benji looks up, angry now. "But so what if it did, dad? I'm hardly a kid, Jesus. I'm twenty years old and you're trying to give me The Talk. That's just...it's ludicrous."

"Benjamin, you will not take that tone with me," his dad says dangerously. "And as long as you live in my home you will abide by my rules. You have a very serious future ahead of you, and we cannot afford stupid mistakes."

"We?" Benji asks, and his dad nods.

"Yes, we. You are a representative of this family, Benjamin. You're right, you're twenty years old, it's time you started taking responsibility for your future. Not getting into fistfights and sleeping around. Understand?"

Benji sighs and nods. "Yeah."

"Very good then." Benji sits still for a moment until it's obvious his dad is done, and then he stands and starts for the door. He's got his hand on the knob when his dad speaks again. "Oh, Benji?"

"Yeah?"

"I understand your mother found information for you about a brother."

Benji swallows thickly and nods. "Yeah."

"Have you attempted to contact him?"

Benji's eyes fall closed and he shakes his head slowly. "Um. No."

"Good. It's probably not a good idea to peruse something like that. For all we know he could be some kind of con artist. An embarrassment like that is one I'd like to avoid."

"Right," Benji says softly. He feels something surging inside of him, some kind of serious, quite, almost undetectable but very dangerous rage. "I'd hate to shame the family."

"Very good, Benjamin." His dad hasn't moved, and Benji opens the door and leaves as quietly as possible.

Collide Chapter Eleven

2004-07-29T06:27:20Z

Title: Collide chapter 11
Chapter rating: PG-13
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji/Joel
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Damnit.
Summary: Benji's an upper class Manhattan heir to millions. Joel's a street kid with nothing going for him but one crazy dream.
Warnings: Very, very AU.
A/N: The day after. Benji meets a friend of Joel's. Much Ado About Nothing, as they say. And, of course, thank you times a million to zlobnaya for the beta read.

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten

Joel's alarm clock went off early the next morning. Benji has hazy memories of Joel mumbling grumpily while he got ready for work. It'd been way too early for Benji to think clearly. He does remember a gentle goodbye kiss and Joel talking about a spare key before he left and Benji went back to sleep.

He's staring sideways at the key now, drumming his fingertips on the countertop. It's just sitting there, all silver and blank and key like, mocking him with its mundane existence. It's almost noon, and Benji wants to get out and do something, but there's that key. If he takes it, should he give it back next time he sees Joel, or is this like a permanent thing? It seems kind of early to be permanent. So he should give it back, right, but how awkward will that be? "Hey, Joel, here's your key back, I don't really want this kind of responsibility with you."

Which is, of course, leading him to questions like well, would it be such a bad idea if he actually didn't come back? And every time he thinks that he finds himself touching Joel's things, as if soaking up the aura of the place will convince the rational part of his mind that everything will be okay.

He takes a step to the side and picks up the key. There's a plain green plastic key chain attached, a little circle the size of a quarter. He runs his thumb over the cool metal and then slips it into his pocket experimentally. Nothing's changed - he takes a step, feels the light weight in his pocket, but it's not disconcerting in any way.

"Damn," he whispers. He'll never admit it, but he was almost hoping the key was magical somehow, since it belonged to Joel and there was all this stuff between them. Like touching it and sticking it in his pocket should have whisked him off to some other time or place, or at the very least initiated some kind of world-wide paradigm shift so that tomorrow he can tell everyone that Joel is his brother and that they sleep together and it will be okay.

But nothing happened, the key is still key shaped when he wraps his fingers around it, the room is the same. He checks his reflection in the microwave door and he's still bruised all over.

"No miracles today, huh," he says to himself. He grabs his jacket and pulls his baseball cap low, trying to hide his gross eye at least a little bit. The door swings closed as he exits, and he entertains the idea of sliding the key beneath it after it's locked.

But it does make him feel kind of, well, cool, which he thinks must be the stupidest thought ever because that key is in his pocket with the keys to his BMW, his Escalade, and an apartment in Manhattan.

Maybe this key just has more character, he figures on his way to the car. It means more because it's worth so little.

And now he's getting into some crazy philosophical shit and it's going to make his head hurt. More. He sighs and climbs into his car. He's hungry; there wasn't a whole lot in Joel's apartment worth consuming. Maybe there's a sandwich shop or something around?

He kind of doubts it.

There's a group of kids on the corner as Benji drives by, and he wonders why they're not in school. He really doesn't have room to talk though; he hasn't been to class in like a week. Tim's not gonna help him out for much longer.

The store that Joel works at is up ahead, and Benji turns in on a whim. He figures maybe he can pick up some food and say hi to Joel if he sees him.

He triple checks his car alarm before he goes in. This neighborhood still freaks him out a little, and he doesn't want to risk anything. He especially doesn't want to try and explain what he's doing here to his dad. There's a metal cage around the doors, totally ghetto-style, and Benji looks up and all around as he walks through it. He spots some bums at the recycling machine by the side of the building and he speeds up.

The store really isn't very big, and it's kind of old and dingy-looking. Benji almost feels like he's going to need a shower when he leaves. Most of the lights are flickering, and the aisles are too close together and too heavily stocked. He picks his way towards what looks like the produce section, but diverts into the soup, terrified of seeing what the vegetables look like here.

There's a guy stocking cans and Benji feigns interest in the Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup before he sidles up to the guy slowly. He looks vaguely familiar, but Benji writes it off to coincidence.

"Hey," Benji says, and the guy looks up.

"Yeah? Need help?"

"Not exactly. Uh. I'm wondering if you know Joel Combs?"

"Oh yeah, I know him." The guy narrows his eyes and stares at Benji. "You're that guy who picked him up that one night in the Caddy, aren'tcha?"

Benji blinks and nods slowly. "Yeah. That was you Joel was talking to, huh?"

"Yep." The guy puts two more cans on the shelf and then nods towards Benji. "Did Joel do that to ya?"

"What?" Benji frowns and then touches his swollen eye lightly. "What do you mean?"

The guy shrugs. "Joel's got a nasty habit of beatin' up his tricks, is all."

Benji feels his stomach drop out at that statement. "W-what?"

"Yeah." The guy shrugs and starts stocking in earnest. "Him and this guy Freddy went out for a while, Freddy used to work here too, see. And he started gettin' bruises and shit, slow but sure, and he got real scarce around work." Benji's staring, complete dumb-struck.

"Um."

"Yeah. And then he told us, right, told us that Joel is really this twisted psychopath once you get past the big teddy bear routine. And then," the guy's voice lowers conspiratorially, "Then later that night, Freddy had an 'accident' with the lifter. And Joel's the only guy 'round here can drive that thing."

Benji's almost shaking. This is like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. "Did he die?"

"Yep. People say he haunts the store, waiting for his chance to get revenge."

"Revenge?" This is too much. Benji may have lost his mind recently, but he's not stupid. "His ghost wants revenge?"

The guy breaks into a huge grin. "Okay, so I'm fuckin' with ya." He wiggles his fingers around a can of green beans. "Woo, spoooooky."

"Fuck you," Benji spits out, and he turns to go. Get the fuck out of this shithole place.

"Hey, hey man. I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist, you look too strung out." Benji turns a little, and the guy holds out his hand. "I'm Ian."

Benji shakes his hand with a small sigh. "I'm Benji."

"Nice to meet ya," Ian says, still grinning. "And just so you know, I made all that shit up. I don't think Joely-boy could hurt a fly, ya know?"

"He is a boxer, though."

"Exactly, see. He channels all his rage." This point is emphasized by two cans moving in a concentrated line away from Ian's body. "He's a cool guy, you seen him fight yet?"

Benji crosses his arms and shakes his head, and Ian shrugs. "It's good stuff. He's got skills, for sure."

They fall silent for a minute while Ian picks up a new box of canned corn. "So, you two together?" he asks conversationally, and Benji shakes his head quickly.

"No, no. We're just friends."

Ian shrugs. "Suit yourself. I guess you probably go for those rich types anyway, huh? People who'll buy you fancy shit, huh."

"Not necessarily," Benji counters. He slips his hands into his pockets and leans back against the shelf. "I'm usually the one doing the buying, actually."

"Probably a good thing you ain't with Joel, then."

"Why?" Benji perks up curiously.

"'Cause. He's weird, he'd probably ask you for comic book crap or something."

Benji raises an eyebrow. "Comic book crap?"

Ian nods. "Yeah. He may look tough, but he's just a nerd underneath it all. He has, like, Star Wars boxers."

Benji snorts and Ian nods in a "told ya so" way. "Whatever keeps him happy, I guess," Benji muses.

"I guess." Ian shakes his head disgustedly. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who holds with geeky comic book crap.

"Hey," a voice in his ear startles Benji and he whirls around, finding himself face to face with Joel.

"Hey," he replies. Joel is smiling, and he glances from Benji to Ian slowly.

"Hey Joel, break time?" Ian asks, and Joel nods.

"Yeah. Wanna cover me up front for a few?"

"Yeah, if you'll finish this aisle for me when you come back."

Joel grins. "Deal."

"Awesome." Ian sets down his cans and starts past Benji and Joel. "Nice meeting you, Benji."

"You too," Benji replies. They watch Ian turn the corner. Benji feels Joel's hand on his, a tiny, subtle touch hidden between their bodies.

"Wanna hang out or something?" Joel asks, and he's tangling their fingers together. "It's my lunch break."

"Okay," Benji says. He feels warm all over and light headed.

"Come with me," Joel says, and he starts walking towards the back of the store. Their hands are still together, and Benji feels a blush start to creep over him. He keeps his head low. They start through the door leading to the back, and Benji hesitates.

"Am I allowed back here?" he asks, glancing around.

"Yeah, don't worry. They won't say anything." Joel gives him a gentle tug but doesn't move, and so Benji steps forward into open arms. The door swings closed behind him and then Joel kisses him gently. It's pretty dark, and they stumble backwards a little. Benji wraps his arms around Joel's neck and slides his tongue between their lips.

He presses his body against Joel's, getting a small rush when he feels the heat from Joel's body through his clothes. This isn't the time or place to get really horny, he reminds himself, but that's a hard point to focus on when Joel is sucking enthusiastically on his tongue.

Brother, brother, this is his brother, he thinks, but it's not working. He's still tugging lightly at Joel's hair, trying to kiss him harder than he's ever been kissed before. The horror of being brothers must be wearing off he thinks frantically as he slides his hand up under Joel's shirt. What good is sex with your brother if you can't be disgusted? They've switched, now, Joel is damn near tongue-fucking Benji's mouth, and he's got those strong hands on Benji's ass.

Benji is trying to think of something else, now, as they thrust against each other, and then he whimpers when Joel pulls away and starts kissing down his neck. Benji keeps his hips pressed against Joel and Joel grabs his sides, grinding them together.

Pain shoots through Benji's body, and that's one way to stop, he thinks. Joel grabbed his bruise, he guesses, and he shies instinctively from the touch.

"Oh shit," Joel says. "Oh, Benji, I'm so sorry."

Benji takes a small step back and wraps his arms around his middle. "It's okay. I forgot, too." Joel leans forward and gives him a small kiss.

"I should eat, anyway," he says. He takes Benji's hand again and they walk through the back stock to a small set of lockers. Joel opens one and pulls out a small cooler, and leads Benji to a table set up nearby.

"How long have you worked here?" Benji asks, looking around.

"Almost a year." Joel pulls a sandwich out of his cooler, and a bottle of water. "It's pretty sucky, but they made me a supervisor a couple months ago and I got a raise and stuff."

"Cool," Benji says distractedly. There's an insane thought running circles in his brain, and it's trying its hardest to get free. "Hey, um. Did you go out with a guy named Freddy?"

Joel stops with his sandwich halfway to his mouth. "Freddy? Yeah, why?"

"Just, uh. Ian mentioned something." Benji clears his throat. "And I just. I was kinda wondering what happened. But if you don't wanna talk about it or whatever, it's cool."

Joel shrugs and takes a thoughtful bite. "No, it's fine. We went out for a couple months last year, but um. It just didn't work out." He takes a drink of water and continues softly. "He cheated on me. Which, um. Whatever. I didn't ever, like," he makes a face, "Love him or whatever, but it was pretty shady anyway."

Benji swallows thickly and wonders again if the thing with Mandy counted as cheating. "What happened?" he asks cautiously.

"I told him to fuck off, and he did. I guess it was a pretty clean breakup, there wasn't even any yelling. Just 'get the hell out,' and him leaving."

Benji nods and speaks very quickly. "So you didn't murder him in cold blood and hide his body back here behind the wall?"

Joel blinks and cocks his head to the side. "What the hell?"

"Just, um," Benji stares at the table top intently. "Just making sure."

Joel bursts into laughter. "What did Ian tell you? That I killed Freddy?" Benji just shrugs. "He's such a little fucker." Joel keeps laughing and finishes his sandwich, and Benji just picks at the table and feels incredibly stupid.

"Hey," Joel says softly, and he covers Benji's hand with his own. "Don't worry, he does that to everyone. And I'll never kill you and hide your body, okay?"

Benji looks up at him with a little smile. "Promise?"

"Promise," Joel says, and he leans over and kisses Benji lightly to seal the deal.

"Man," Benji says suddenly, and he feels like he's about to overflow and explode all at once. "I feel like such a goddamned dork all the time. Like, 'Oh, Joel, do you kill people?' and 'Oh, Joel, we can't do stuff, we're brothers, blah blah." And 'Oh, Joel, I walked into a wall this morning because apparently all I can think about any more is you and our relationship and your damn spare key.'"

Joel frowns and looks like he's trying to process everything he's been told. "You walked into a wall?"

"Well, no." Benji exhales slowly.

Joel is cleaning up his lunch. "And what about my spare key? Did you lose it?"

Benji shakes his head. "No, no, I've still got it. I'm just spazzing for like the sake of it, at this point."

"Okay." Joel is smiling again. He kisses Benji once more and then stands up. "It's really cute when you do that, you know."

"Cute?" Benji stands as well and crosses his arms defiantly across his chest. "Who are you calling cute?"

"You." Joel mirrors Benji's stance, but he's grinning. "You're cute."

"Am not," Benji says sullenly, and he shoves his hands in his pockets.

"Okay, then." Joel goes back to his locker and grins over his shoulder. "Well, whatever it is you are makes me want to keep surprising you."

"Oh god." Benji groans and closes his eyes. "No more surprises, please. I've had too many all at once."

"Alright, fine. I'll try not to." Joel glances at his watch and sighs. "And it's time for me to get back. Um. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah." Benji bites his lip thoughtfully. "I may have to do some stuff tonight, but I'll call you."

"Okay." Joel slips his hands into his pockets and starts walking. "Well, take care. Don't, uh, walk into any walls."

"Ha ha, very funny." Benji shakes his head. "I'll see you later. And, um. Thanks for everything, Joel."

Joel grins and shrugs. "No problem. See ya."

"Bye." Benji waves and leaves the store. He's got great ideas for this afternoon.

**

Joel clocks back in from lunch and stalks up to the front where Ian is busy packing grocery bags. Ian places the last bag in the customer's arms and then Joel is on him, completely up in his face. They're about the same height, but Joel's definitely got the advantage.

"Hey, Ian. I heard you were running your mouth about me again."

Ian's eyes go huge and he takes a step back. Joel follows him and intensifies his glower. "Uh..." Ian runs into a shelf along the wall, and he stiffens. "Uh."

Joel places his hands flat against the shelf on either side of Ian's head, and then he cracks a huge grin. "Stop fucking with my friends, man."

Ian exhales deeply and shakes his head. "Jesus, man. I about had to change my shorts."

Joel chuckles and steps back. "You mean you don't? I'm losing my touch."

"Whatever." Ian carefully fixes his hair and shakes his head. "This'll make a good story tonight."

"You're crazy, dude. You know that?"

Ian grins and starts helping a little old lady with her carrots. "Yep. Hey, tell Benji I'm sorry again. I think I really scared him."

Joel shakes his head and slaps Ian on the back. "I'll tell him." He winks vaguely at a guy in line as he heads back to finish up Ian's aisles. All in all, today is not shaping up badly.